Binge drinking

[MummyMons]

I'm new to this so please be kind with your comments as looking for support and advice. Perhaps others have experienced this too?

I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years and we have two beautiful children together and a nice life overall. However, he has this side to him where I feel he almost has a double life. He goes to meet friends I don't know and stays out drinking all night. I used to stay awake and be so upset but i know it doesn't make any difference so over the years I've just got used to this happening and now just try to push it out of my mind to concentrate on the children. He feels so regretful the next day and says he feels he cannot stop himself as it's a habit/addiction. After a night like this he will be sleeping the next day & not help with anything in the house or children so I feel very resentful towards him and wonder why he keeps behaving like this? Surely it's time to grow up? His actions are affecting our relationship, his health and not to mention money wasted. He's looked at local
Support services to help with the drinking but it never leads to anything.

I never go out anymore, I feel I need to be the one the children can rely on and know I will never let them down or cancel plans cause of drinking. I rarely accept invitations to things or see friends as if I go and do anything for me I just feel guilty.
I keep myself going for our family but I just feel so mentally drained with this happening every few days. He just opts out of his responsibilities for 48hrs and expects me to hold it all together!
He's not a bad person or bad Dad but it's just this part of him that really puts a strain on our relationship. Why does he behave this way? Why is the drinking so excessive in one night? Why does he have these drinking friendships with people who don't give a damn about the damage it does? Why can't he stop after a few and just come home? Why does he do this repeatedly when he know it's upsets us and our family plans.
Is this normal behaviour? I worry my children's childhood will be mixed with memories of their dad being passed out on the sofa? Family photos of just me & them cause their dad wouldn't join due to a hangover!

How often does he do this?

On average once a week. At this time of year, more frequently though. When trying to stop he never lasts longer than 2 weeks without drinking.

If he is doing this on average once a week surely it's preventing him from spending any quality time with family. He has a serious drink problem. Will he seek help?

That's a lot. If it was once a month or every couple of months I think I'd let it go but weekly is too often to get that shitfaced especially when you have a family.

If he's struggling to give up booze then you have some decisions to make as you can't make plans which are dependent on him being sober.

Can you live like this?
What are you prepared to accept? Do you want absolute abstinence from him or just cutting down?

I'd suggest working out what your boundaries are and lay that out for him. It's then down to him.

Sorry, it sounds really tough.

I'd suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting near you and attend - you will be able to work out what your boundaries are, how to stick to them and how to move forward.

I can tell you this now - it never ends well. Alcoholics only ever go in one direction: they get worse. Get help for yourself now so that you can prepare for this. Also consider the impact on your DCs of them not having a functioning dad. They deserve better than that.

I've been there, done that and am out on the other side - my alcoholic H is dead. Drink absolutely contributed to the heart disease that killed him. Be prepared.

I think that’s far too often and must be impacting on family life even though you say he is a good dad.

I don’t understand how you can not know the ‘friends’ he is with if you have been together 15 years.

Exactly. If it was once a month or less it would be more bearable but I feel it's too much. I used to wish I had somewhere to go with the kids to shock him into deciding what's worth more to him US or his drinking buddies & all night drinking sessions but over time it's just become the norm. He knows I love him and don't want to be without him it equally I'm starting to feel differently these days cause it's not getting better despite him saying he will get a grip on it one day. He's been AA but felt it was not right support, spoke to GP who referred to local drinking support but cause he wasn't deemed high risk he wasn't a priority for them. He has a home and a good job and they are inundated with referrals.

I have no money saved and he's the main earner so not sure how I'd mange if we went our separate ways. Plus I fear the drinking would continue and he may then let the children down at times when due to see him.

Truth is I don't want to be without him but I'm also not happy with how things are.

Al-non is a good idea, I've thought of whether this would be good to try but wasn't sure if he is classed as alcoholic but I guess if alcohol is impacting on family life then it answers my question. Sorry to hear you lost your partner to alcohol. It ruins so many lives.

I don't know his drinking friends cause he has met them in last 4 years, he only sees them in local pubs which I do not go and am not interested in meeting them. As far as I'm concerned they all have a drink problem as do it more than him and just invite him out all the time.

How does he hold down a job? (Assuming he does)

Most drinking nights are on a weekend so although he may feel a bit out of sorts on a Monday he still makes it to work. He never drinks two days in a row.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post tonight. It's much appreciated.