Relationship falling apart after new baby

[emilyrose0]

DD is 5 weeks, gorgeous healthy girl. But things with DH have never been worse, I can’t standhim right now. Always thought we had a lovely relationship, communicate well, etc but now feel like I’d like to wring his neck and not sure how our marriage will survive another day. Feel so frustrated and impatient with him, can barely make eye contact.

He seems to not understand what a newborn needs and is inattentive and selfish. I also feel ill never had my figure back and he’ll never fancy me again. I’m exhausted and doing the nights with Dd (EBF) whilst he’s in bed on PlayStation and having a wank. To be fair he does most cooking and washing up but tends to leave it until the last minute so house is a tip until evening which drives me mad. He leaves all visitor scheduling, family, appts etc to me. I don’t want to criticise him so as not to decrease his interaction with DD or doing housework but finding hard to hold my tongue.

Love my gorgeous girl but never thought things could change overnight like this. Am I alone? I’m frightened and don’t know how to talk to him about it, I can’t imagjne being a singnle mum right now but feel utterly ready to walk out the door.

Children can really change things. You are not alone in this experience. There's an expectation that it should all be wonderful and super bonding but equally it can drive a wedge between a couple and change the dynamics in a way you could not have anticipated. It is still very early days for you in terms of being parents so maybe give it time before making any dramatic decisions.

Can you book some Skype couples counselling
Tavistock do it.

OP, I felt exactly the same as you! I genuinely thought “what have I done! I don’t love my husband any more!” After 11 years together, I suddenly couldn’t bear him to touch me or the way he chewed or anything.

But DD is now 13 months old and I love him again. Sleep deprivation, conflicting attitudes to parenting, and a sudden new fuckload of responsibility of course will take time for you both to adjust and butting heads is inevitable, just focus on yourself for now you are only 5 weeks in to parenting and I would say it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do!

I actually confessed how repulsed I was by DH about 6 weeks in to a friend and she welled up (also had a newborn) and said she thought it was just her and her DH.

Congratulations on your baby girl. It honestly does get easier, you’ve been through a huge life change it just takes time for the ripples to calm again x

Did you watch The Split? There's a bit where the lady says that having a baby is like a bomb going off in your marriage - we've had 4, and it's been true every time.

You're both so new at this, and right now you're better at it, you're getting more practice. Your life has changed irrevocably while he is still hanging on to some of the luxuries of his old life.

Time will help. You will like your figure again (and bfing helps here, I found it much easier to lose baby weight when ebf than with my mixed fed baby). You will sleep again, and unless he truly is an unmitigated dick, he will learn to help more with your DD.

To help in the short run, some rules that help us:
Nobody sits until everybody sits- if you're doing childcare or house jobs, he does too
Equal leisure time (we haven't always cracked this and it's my main source of resentment)
Does he use a sling? He needs to learn to settle your baby, slings are usually a good way, or it can be rocking or buggy or whatever works for him. If he feels that he's good at it, it helps with his bonding, with his appreciation of what you do, and also gives you some time back.
Talk to him! Explain about being touched out, if that is relevant, and tell him what would make you happy.
If none of this is relevant and he really is an arse, call Relate, or your mum, or whoever you need, and think about next steps
Good luck and hope you can get your team back on track

Last one - work out what 30 mins of self care looks like for you. Is it a half an hour getting a really nice coffee out of the house with no baby, doing a postnatal exercise DVD or yoga class, reading a book, getting your nails done, having a bath?
It's easy to be tired and use any bits of time to meet around on your phone but you need some time to decompress. You decide, and then work together with him to find a way to achieve that at least twice a week. We started doing this after my second baby and it really really helps.

I really wondered if DH and I would survive the early baby weeks/months; I felt so resentful that my world was turned upside down and it felt that his didn’t change much. It did get better tho and I’d say just hold on (even if it’s with your fingertips) and things get better. It took months for us but I love being a family and I’ll put up with a certain amount of frustration for that.

Absolutely agree with previous posters, having a baby makes you realise how different men and women are, we had previously always been best mates on total equal levels, suddenly I lost my financial independence, my body felt fucked, I had this desperate little being that only wanted me, DH didnt understand me at all, but you find a new normal. Do you have any mum friends you can talk to in real life? Your body will heal, and has just done such an incredible thing, giving life. Give yourself a break x