No friends

[vanillapink]

I feel horrible about this. I am actually quite frightened at how horribly isolated I have become.

I used to have some very close friends, but between 2015 and now, they have all started families and are now on second and third children. I really have tried to maintain the friendships but there’s such a fine line between keeping things going and being a bit overly pushy/demanding. One moved abroad in any case!

I do have three other friends from when we worked together years ago and we always have so much fun when we meet up but pinning them down is so hard - I only manage it three times a year at a good year.

I do obviously get that people are busy.

Just the same I feel so depressed and despondent - I haven’t spoken to anyone this holiday really!

I don’t honestly know how to go about making new friends. I’ve tried the usual sort of things like volunteer work and meet-ups. Most things in my area seem aimed at parents of small children or retired people - there’s nothing much at evenings or weekends. I’m sure there’s things I could do but I am not posting because I am bored, but lonely and there’s a difference.

Or is it just that we are expected to be in couples and deviating from that norm is considered not normal?

Hi OP. Don’t really have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I have been in your shoes. All my friends married and settled down and started families and I was always the single childless one. I looked at other people I knew living the dream being single but I couldn’t as didn’t have friends to do it with! Sounds like your doing everything you can to widen your circle of friends but if you have a close friend that you can speak with about how you feel then I definitely would. I did spend a lot of saturdays drinking coffee in play centres but I enjoyed it as I love my friends children and it gave us both the chance to have a good catch up x

This is a regular theme on MN

I think the only way to make friends who you can see regularly is to make friends with people who are at the same stage as you

So for example - the friends I see the most are divorced/separated people with kids at uni

Same as me

My friends who are at different life stages than me, I see much much less

You can start a meetup group yourself?

You’re probably right gina but I honestly don’t know anybody at the same stage as me.

I’m not sure meet-up groups are the answer here really ... they are quite transient.

@vanillapink

I’m in the opposite position - I am a bit lonely and feel my friendships of yore are evaporating as I’ve now got children and most of my “old” friends don’t and my “mum” friends are always BUSY BUSY with other stuff.

I know this is the same old toffee trotted out every time but DO join a couple of clubs or take up an interest. My fortunes are starting to change a little with my having taken up night class to learn a new language and I am a member of a running club now (even if I am Mrs Slow).

These outlets are cushions against the lonlieness and disappointment I feel from seemingly everyone I know vanishing over the past year and I swear I’ve not turned into a tosser, it really has been “one of these things”.

That's hard @vanillapink

Any reading groups around you?

But what clubs? Everything is in during the day when I am at work - there isn’t really much evenings or weekends.

I do a couple of things but they don’t really lead to lasting friendships unfortunately.

I was in this position and yet 18 months ago met 3 new friends via meet up. It’s a bit like dating, you can have a lot of dead ends but it only takes that 1 meet up where you do click etc , you have to be in the game though for it to happen. And I found honesty worked really well, these ladies all felt similar and yet had partners

I made friends at a dance fitness class. I have been to many many exercise classes and never made a friend so why this one was different I do not know. I guess it was a nunbers game. Try enough new things and something might click.

I had the opposite problem, I was first to start a family amongst my close friends. I think the key to adult friendships is familiarity. Do research into activities, clubs, groups etc in local areas and then attend regularly and volunteer to help which means that people will come to see you as the friendly familiar face. Adult friendships can take time to build up into close friendships as you don't necessarily see someone all the time to create bonds quickly. Good luck

Another avenue might be interest groups? ie political parties, campaign groups for a particular cause?
Also are there any clubs or social events at work?

I know it isn't easy. Feeling lonely is horrible.

I was in your situation when i moved here. I was very lonely for the first couple of years here. I volunteered for a political party and round elections everything was very busy and there was good camaraderie and social events but after polling day things petered off a lot and the regular meetings were relatively poorly attended and prettt much a closed shop for people who had been there for years.

I then joined a Women’s club which I didn’t think would be my sort of this at all but it absolutely was. A monthly meeting at first then I joined various clubs and societies within the larger Women’s club and now I have lots of friends and things to do all month long.

The running club I run with meets on Monday evenings and the night schools start at 7.

If I could also do yoga and Pilates my local church hall has them on at 7pm too.

Have a gander at your local college brochure for “nightschool”. It really might open some ideas up.

Good luck x

Yes - like I say though it’s not really a shortage of things to ‘do’.

What is totally fucking shit about the situation you are in (and me to some extent) is that the key really has to be patience. What chokes me is that I’m good at organising things, making the first move, getting folk together but it’s like the world has lost interest overnight.

For me, I have to dig deep and resist trying to organise or “force” socials as when the rejections come they hurt me more and more. So I have to try and resist the urge meaning I’m at the mercy of A N Other(S) to make the first move.

In short what I am saying is it is super fucking difficult but just going somewhere and keeping an open mind and expecting nothing of others could perversely make the magic happen.

Again, if I could follow my own advice perhaps I wouldn’t feel so bent out of shape and sad.

Is the problem getting from 'people I see' to 'friends'?

I think that can be really difficult. As PP said you do have to approach it like dating. Choose someone you think you might like, engineer a few conversations, judge a facebook friend request and send a couple of casual messages... then move it to whatsapp..

You have to make all these moves though, and their are many pitfalls along the way- like them not wanting more friends, having a really busy life, you not liking their other friends and potentially you not liking them.

If you want some new friends though, I think you have to go this route. It won't just happen. First step is a range of people you see regularly. Would work not be easiest? If not you do need a regular outing which the same people always attend.

*there are pitfalls- apologies

I'm in a similar situation. My ex isolated me from all my friends years ago, and I've never really had any real friends since then. I'm quite introverted and really find it hard to meet and trust people

OP, I understand what you're saying (I think).

I have a group of school friends who I love but they are all in couples/parents.

Over the last few years the places I have successfully made new lasting friendships are;

• at work (moving from work colleagues to friends does take time but can definitely be done, I'm going to be a bridesmaid at one of my work friends weddings next year we've become so close)

• through houseshares (this is very situation dependant I appreciate)

• holidaying alone. I did one of those bus/adventure trips to South America and met 2 girls who I am now really close to and although they're not local to me we've already met up in both of their home cities!

I tried MeetUp and really wasn't a fan, felt like they weren't really me, I also think I need a bit more time with people to feel comfortable which is why the 3 ways above have been so successful I think!

I would suggest GirlCrew.com. It has been used successfully by two colleagues of mine is similar situation to one you are in.

I can see house shares and travelling alone might work for younger women but I am a bit old!

Increasingly I’m thinking people don’t really make ‘friends’ as they get older, it’s all about mutual convenience

@vanillapink don't rule the holidays out! They do them for all ages and when I was researching I kept reading how popular they were becoming with older people!

It can feel like dating, when you've to kiss several frogs before you find your proverbial prince!

Sounds like you acknowledge there's plenty places & opportunities to meet people. But it's possible to feel lonely in the busiest of pubs, cheeriest of parties and worthiest of voluntary groups.

My only advice is that you need to make the effort. Not suggesting you haven't, but it does take that effort to nudge acquaintances into friends. Whether that's coffee / drinks outside of the main group / club, or taking on a "leader" role so that you have to be phoning / emailing folk such that the emails / calls eventually become friendly not just "club business" etc. Or volunteering for the extra tasks yourself so that group organisers / regulars start to remember you & get to know you.

I think sometimes you also have to carefully select the groups / clubs you get involved with, depending on what you want out of them. Groups like Rotary, Inner Wheel, Ladies Circle have "friendship" as one of their aims, along with the voluntary / community .....you'll get almost instant involvement and in time genuine friendships will develop, along with your interests. Book groups might be similar - some will be really into the book, others it's an excuse to get together!

I would suggest joining online services for finding friends such as girlfriend social. Just google female platonic friendship sites. Failing that try mumsnet! There are threads on here about local meetups. Maybe where you've come to post can actually solve it. good luck!

Do you have any beliefs?
The longest lasting friendships I have found have been within church but appreciate it might not be where you are

WI?

What hobbies do you have? Are there any knit and natter groups or singing groups?

Sports?

Volunteer work?

Because you want it so much, you would be a good friend. People will be lucky to find you :-)