Lonely marriage

[emilyandelliesmum]

Hello, I'm new at this and to be honest I don't even know what I'm hoping for by posting this.. maybe for someone to say that I'm not going crazy or that someone out there has been through something similar and can offer some insight or maybe just to let out what I'm feeling inside before it destroys me. In the meantime, thankyou for listening.
I have been married for 20 years and have 2 teenage daughters.. I feel pathetic saying this but I've been unhappy for the past 10 years. I used to be so positive and full of energy but as the years go on it's like the relationship is draining me. In the last few years I have been able to gain some financial independence and have constantly been thinking about leaving but emotionally it is so difficult. For years I have tried talking to my husband who is emotionally absent and has been for the moat part of the marriage. I always thought it was me, maybe if I acted differentely or paid more attention to him he would change but over the years I've learnt that this is not the case and will never be. He is not capable, he's a good provider, works, and he a good father as far as the practical things such as the daily school runs etc but never supports me in any confrontations that I have with the girls, he never once intervenes but pretends he doesn't hear. Raising teenage girls is not easy and sometimes I need him to have my back but sometimes he even contradicts me in front of them making it even harder for me to get my point over.
Things are going from bad to worse despite the number of times that I have tried to speak to him, he is convinced, or pretends to be there is nothing wrong and he says how could I live with myself even thinking of ending a 20 year relationship?
Christmas for me has always been a special time but this year I feel so depressed, my husband is so cold and unemotional, my kids are doing growing up and quite rightly want to do their own thing with their friends, I feel so lonely...

Im really sorry you feel that way. Have you thought of couples counselling? You are obviously the fixer but it’s a joint fix this one.

You're not alone emily&dellies, bless you. So many others on here express similar and it is particularly poignant at this time of year. You'll find friends and solidarity on mumsnet but each case is unique.

I hope you were able to enjoy Christmas. Please do try to find an outlet in the new year and someone, preferably neutral, to talk to.

It's good that you are making sure you're independent.

I honestly don't know if your husband will change, he's been like he is for so long. However he really shouldn't undermine you in front of your children, that's something he should be firmly told, it isn't right.

No advice from me but I wanted you to know I feel for you and believe things can improve. Very good luck for the future, particularly 2019 which is imminent.

Hi, I have suggested it a number of times but he refuses. To make things worse my teenage daughter has ocd and I've made the appointment to go and see a cbt specialist this morning. Husband doesn't know as when I told him what our daughter had told me he got all short tempered and said she has to improve her memory and laughs at me when I say otherwise. He has no idea, he doesn't believe it's from anxiety.. so anyway, this morning I'm going on my own then I will tell him about it, but I'm dreading it..

Thankyou Jesstan2 for your kind words. I have read some of the posts on here and they have given me some reaasurance that I'm not the only one going through this. This year I really want to be strong and be happy, single with my girls. It's hard to explain but everytime we talk I always end up feeling guilty and give in to him, this has been going on for years but each time it kills me a little.. We have seperate lives, don't sleep together, hardly talk to one another, I can feel the resentment he too has towards me but despite all this when faced with the ultimatum he refuses to acknowledge the reality and ends up making me feel it's me...

Oh dear - he is cherry-picking the best bits of family life and leaving the real business of making a family work to you. I do recognise this; but in our case it was because OH was both overworked and unwell (he had to retire at 42 in the end).

The problem is that he probably does not realise what he is doing wrong, so it is a hard road for you to battle. I help with the school runs, earn the dosh, what more do you want? That is the hurdle you need to jump before any improvement can occur. It is a huge hurdle of course and you may feel that it is not worth the effort as you do not rate the chances of success very high.

I do not know how you get this across to him, but maybe you could seek counselling on your own to discuss what might be the best way forward for you and how you might jump this hurdle - if you decide alongside your counsellor that you want to even try. Fear of finishing up alone is very powerful and it might be that a counsellor can help you think that through.

I wish you lots of good luck with this and hope you will find the right way forward.

Thankyou mishappening, I have thought about councelling, on my own at this point. I didn't mention before but I live abroad which makes things a little different.. thanks for your advice.

The thought of living alone after 20 years of marriage is scary, although my instinct has been telling me for some time that it's the right thing to do. I used to think that I would stay for the kids sake, my girls are now 14 and 19 and I know that it is doing more harm than good continuing with this farce. Christmas day our eldest spent the afternnon with us then wanted to go to meet her friends.. tbh and I hate saying this, I was happy for her to go, I hate them having to be around me when I'm so sad, I can't stand them seeing me like it. My husband's response was not to give any response, no reaction, not a yes you can go or a no, you can't but then when she decided to go he made her feel terrible, he drove her there and didn't speak to her for the whole time and sulked for the rest of the day! He makes me so mad, these little games which he now plays with them. I can't understand it..

Sometimes I feel so sad I just want to close myself away alone somewhere... the happy face that I have managed to put on for so long is wearing away and even at work it's hard to pretend all is well. I hate people seeing me like it.. Christmas time has been especially hard, even going out for a walk, seeing other families walking along together, laughing and enjoying each others company.. my oh has never done these things with me without me insisting but over the last couple of years I have stopped trying..

I do think you need some counselling - really to help you make the decisions that need to be made. Otherwise it will just circle round in your head and you will get nowhere.

I do not know about the counselling situation where you live, but you could be helped with such tings as:

• analysing what is wrong for you
• making decisions as to what you want to do
• thinking through the process for how to achieve this aim, whatever it might be

It is hard to do this alone when you are enmeshed in it all.

A lot of men are like this. Once the ring is on they stop bothering and do their own thing.
Tell him you are planning to divorce him if things don't change, that will wake him up once he realises what he will lose.
Go to counselling either with him or alone.
If you are menopausal it is common to feel like this once the rosy veil of oestrogen starts to come off. Suddenly you look at people and think WTF have I been doing with this person.
Seriously you need a third party to help you decide what to do so even sole counselling can really help.

This evening he gets home and I tell him our daughter has asked if she could go iceskating with a friend this evening, he says no, she could hurt herself and 2m she has an important volleyball tournament, ok so he's negative about everyrhing, can't help it I guess, anyway I think at least he's being assertive, but when he has to tell our daughter he reluctantly gives into her and tells me to take her but it's my responsibilty!!! I flipped, said no is no ffs!! You said it so stick to it... am I being unreasonable in saying this. Ffs be a parent, I'm not a single mum ...yet!!! Anyway, when he sees how much this has irritated me he starts laughing at me, telling me to calm down and relax etc being really condescending!! I told him that he enjoyed seeing me that way and he laughed again saying I need help as I am not mentally stable.. you need to see someone he said but all the time laughing and all the time in front of our daughter!! I cannot srand being in the same room as this man...

Hi. Just want some opinions please. Split up with my ex husband in may. Reasons being he has lied to me stole money off me, Visited prostitutes, basically a very selfish person. He comes to spend time with the kids in my house as his shared accommodation isn't suitable. I was ok with this. However this evening while I was reading my little one a story I needed to get something in my room so ran down there in a hurry only to find ex in there in dark and my bag opened and my purse taken out and thrown beside it. I said wat the hell do u think ur doing. And he said he was just going using the ensuite toilet in bedroom and swore he never touched the bag and I must have taken out purse myself. I 100% know I didn't take it out as I am always so conscious wen he is in house to hide my bag under clothes and make sure it's closed. God leopards never change their spots do they!!

Oh I'm sorry I hijacked someone else's post. I'm sorry il start my own one. Sorry....

a lonely marriage is a desperately painful one. 31 years here and can sympathise. one day.....

He was laughing at you because you pulled him up and wanted to get his own back at you.

he a good father as far as the practical things such as the daily school runs etc but never supports me in any confrontations that I have with the girls, he never once intervenes but pretends he doesn't hear.

Straight away I thought 'Conflict Avoider' and 'Avoidant Attachment' Minimises situations and then you feel 'gaslighted'. Enough mental s**t to make you feel like you're losing the plot! So you're now retreating in to yourself. I bet you used to try and explain empathy to him back in the day? You know, run through how situations unfolded because he didn't seem to understand? I'm thinking he did and just wants the noise to stop? 🙄

Oh just get out of there - how much does it take before you say "I am worth more than this." You are. Don't let him manipulate you. I can't bear these tales of women being ground down because of the responsibility they feel to their children to try and soldier on when they just want out. You and they deserve so much better.

New Year resolution time soon!!

It's really hard to be the one who calls it a day, but reading your story I think you've already made your mind up, I've been through this with my ex husband and it's a difficult decision to make, but be strong it will be scary at first but it will be OK. Good luck.

I know how difficult this is for you but, honestly, you'd be better off on your own. Look into your finances and weigh up the options when this 'festive' season is over next week. Take some professional advice.

Good luck

Of course he doesn't want you to leave him, he's a scared little man who needs another adult to bully to make himself feel better. You don't have to justify to him why you want to leave, his behaviour is the cause. Counselling will be pointless as both parties have to consider whether change is necessary or possible. It sounds like life suits him as it is.

But it doesn't suit you, and you only get one shot at this life. Your dd's are unlikely to be surprised if you leave him. Being sulked at for hours just shows them how you must feel.

Know your own worth. You've spent a decade being unhappy but trying to make things work. Life as a single woman will be a challenge at first, but you'll never regret it. Just imagine posting here next Christmas when you've spent the day with your dd's. Doing what you want, free from criticism, sulking, game playing, arguments. I'm sorry but he sounds awful, why would you stay ?

Thankyou all for your words of encouragement and advice. My mind is made up, it's just a question of getting things moving now. After the hols I'm seeking legal advice and hopefully things will be abit clearer. I'm worried about being in the house with him after I tell him that I'm leaving as I can imagine that he will make me feel like the lowest of the low but I'm doing it, it'll be worth it in the end and my gut feeling has been telling me this for years..

It's scary...but the gut feeling is the right one!! You get one life and need it to be a happy one. Your children will understand in the future. As long as they still have both of you supporting them - that doesn't need to change. It'll be hard process....but you need those tough times to get to the other side!!!

You're right, thankyou butterfly44🌻

Morning all, well I'm having a good couple of days as he's away with our daughter for a vb tourmament!! This christmas I didn't get him anything, I was hoping he'd do the same but he got me 2 presents, nothing expensive but at one time I would have been the first to say, it's the thought that counts, but thought being the operative word... there was no thought in it, so mecchanical... He told me, open one now and keep the other one for THE anniversary ( which was yesterday, he wasn't here). The other present is still on the side cabinet, I can't bring myself to open it... what's the point? It's like with some aspects he wants to show to others (the kids maybe) that he's making an effort but it means nothing to me... so it's just sitting there unopened!!

Glad you're having a good day OP. This is a taste of things to come! Sounds like the gifts are just another aspect of his manipulation. Good for you for not buying him anything.

Remember the grey rock technique. You are a large, immovable unresponsive object in the face of any of his behaviours. Detach as much as possible to make the next few weeks and months more bearable for you.