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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with resentment- parents

19 replies

dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 01:05

Hi

I don't think there's anything I can do, but I can't sleep and felt writing it down might help!

I've got this awful overwhelming resentment towards my parents. Whilst on one hand they're lovely - would do anything for me/my children - on the other hand they're pretty controlling and stupidly I've allowed it to happen Sad

So for instance - Christmas. Always has to happen at their house, with their rules, their choice of food/TV watching, controlling which toys my children can play with etc. Always been the same. My eldest is now 15 and it's dawned on me that I'll never have a Christmas with him like I'd like it! Because I'm stupid and have never put my foot down about it.

It doesn't help that two years ago we were going through major health problems with DS2 (chemotherapy) and my Dad rang me to have a go with the way Christmas was happening that year - we had to change things to work everything , meaning we'd be travelling around every day to make it work. They were furious as they felt " second best" to others etc . A lot of nasty stuff was said and I've never really got over it.

It doesn't stop at Christmas, they've now extended to expecting a holiday with us - again their choice of location, their itinerary, their first choice on bedrooms etc. Wouldn't be so bad but quite often this is the only holiday we can afford and we get no say over it.

I now hate it all. I know I sound like an utter bitch and should be grateful to have parents that are still alive, and that I should just grow a back bone, but I can't help how I feel. I just feel so overwhelmed and unable to control certain aspects of my life. It doesn't just stop at Christmas/holidays. In general they treat me like I'm still a child and push me around a lot.

I don't want to fall out with them, I just wish I could tell them how I feel

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 27/12/2018 01:09

You don’t need to tell them how you feel

You just need to say no to any request

No we are spending Christmas at home

No we’ve decided on a family holiday already

Step back and ignore

Weenurse · 27/12/2018 01:10

Read Captain Awkward on dealing with controlling people.
He gives you a script to follow.
You do need to step back out of the child role though

ColumboOnTheCase · 27/12/2018 01:18

You don’t sound like an utter bitch at all. I don’t know that I can offer any useful advice as I have had similar problems with my parents but have slowly detached myself from their grip slightly fairly recently. Do you have any siblings.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 01:26

I do @ColumboOnTheCase , and it doesn't help that they don't behave this way with my brother. He's a much stronger character than I am so I don't think they're brave enough to control him! Also he has no children and a major part of it has been about my children. My parents are very involved, have very strong opinions over everything. It's always felt like they use my children to have another go at parenting?!

I feel awful thinking/saying these things as they can be so kind to us but I can't help how I feel

OP posts:
Karenspolos · 27/12/2018 01:30

They sound GHASTLY and it’s like you don’t exist for them as a person, just as an extension of them. What happens if you attempt to put a boundary in place?!

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 01:38

They tell me what they think of it @Karenspolos !

I think I've just allowed it to happen and now there's just an expectation that it will

OP posts:
Karenspolos · 27/12/2018 01:42

Do they stick to the boundary or ignore?

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 02:06

Pretty much ignore it but if they do stick to it they show how unhappy they are

OP posts:
ColumboOnTheCase · 27/12/2018 02:14

I really feel for you I used to feel like this, as similarly my parents weren’t able to pull this kind of stuff with my siblings (they were too strong willed). I realised that I needed to make a stand for myself and my children. Your parents have had their children, made their memories they’ve had their time and if you don’t make a stand you will have none of these for yourself.

It’s not too late to say no to them, what’s the worst that will happen if you said no to them....... they won’t speak to you for a while? What’s the worst that will happen if you keep bending to their will? ..... your children will grow up move on with their lives and you will be left with regret and more resentment towards your parents.

Your parents do not sound kind to me, they should have been trying to make your life easier when your DS was ill, not stressing you out more. That’s how loving, caring parents behave. Think how you would handle things if you were in your parents shoes and be kind to yourself.

I used think the world of my parents until I realised actually they were manipulating me to get their own way. For what it’s worth I haven’t fallen out with my DP in any big way but I will not let them cross the lines anymore.

ColumboOnTheCase · 27/12/2018 02:17

It’s the realisation that my DP’s were putting their own happiness above mine that helped me keep my boundaries firm.

stayathomegardener · 27/12/2018 03:03

Do your parents support you with any free childcare?

LaLoba · 27/12/2018 06:15

They aren’t kind OP, their behaviour when your son was having chemo shows that. Kind people would have supported you at such an awful time. From experience, they won’t react well to you getting firm about boundaries, but you can learn to let that be their problem, not yours (the Captain Awkward site mentioned above is great for rehearsing answers in situations you know will get fraught).
I’ve had a lovely Christmas, doing fun things with people who always look pleased to see me and show consideration towards me. It took me 46 years to break free of the FOG, I only wish I’d done it sooner. You can have the Christmas you want with your children xx

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 09:10

Only very occasionally @stayathomegardener , maybe once a year. However when DS1 was tiny we both lived with them ( as my relationship with his dad broke down) and i feel they've always acted like I owe it to them to do everything they want. I was a fairly young mum (23) and it started almost straight away with treating me as if I'm DS's nanny.

I think that is where a lot of it stems from, they had a lot of time with DS1 when he was a baby, but we're now 38/15 and I'm married with another child and they still treat me like an incapable young mum!

The phone call during chemo was awful, two years on I still can't quite believe what he said and how he could possibly be behaving so self centred. We were going through such an horrific time and he made the whole thing about their feelings. Dragging up stuff like they'd calculated how many times we'd visited them at their house that year ( we had seen them many times at ours/ met up somewhere), and did we realise how hurtful it was for them to read on Facebook when we managed to have a day out with friends - let's forget how much DS missed out on with missed parties, cancelled holidays etc! So yes we made sure if we did have a free day ( and he was well!!) that we enjoyed it and sometimes this was with people other than my parents.

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 27/12/2018 09:10

But you do get a say. You are allowing this. New year, new start. Have s family Christmas with just your kids at your house next time. Don’t go on holiday with them. Stand up to them. It’s not fair in you and your kids. You won’t have many christmas’ as a family left, as your kids won’t want to spend it with grandparents when they’re older, they’ll make excuses and do other things. Griw a pair, get your brother to support you.

CottonTailRabbit · 27/12/2018 09:13

It is OK for them to be unhappy about your choices and for you to do fuck all about it. Don't explain. Don't apologise.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 27/12/2018 09:29

I know @Angrybird345 , I'm not only angry that they've acted in this way, I'm also angry with myself that it's taken this long to really realise it's unacceptable.

I am going to try and be stronger but a lot of it is too little too late Sad. The one thing I've learnt is that when my children have their own families then I'll be backing off and not suffocating them!!

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/12/2018 10:08

Sweetheart, take it from me, it’s never too late to get your life back!

With your ds having gone through so much, who better than you to realise that life is too short to spend it being ruled by people who care only for themselves

Start today, love yourself enough to say that things will change starting now.

This is what is right, what your parents are doing IS wrong

Hissy · 27/12/2018 10:12

Step one: the word No.

Use it, and ignore all the reactions.

It’s your right to say no.

People like your parents won’t like it, but decent people who do want you and your family to be happy will be supportive of you.

Once you have got used to saying no to others, you will learn to say yes to yourself- that is the bit that suprised me the most, wasn’t expecting that, but OMG the transformation in my life

We’re here for you all the way, you can do this

GreenTulips · 27/12/2018 13:14

Ask yourself every time

‘Do I want to do this?’ Then answer

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