Struggling with Christmas, my relationship and life

[AllSheNeedsIs]

NC for this.
I don’t know where to start... me and DP are having problems. I’ve posted before under a different name.
He is distant, no affection, it’s like he’s gone cold. His VERY close relative passed away a few months ago, and it seems like his ability to love, died to, I think he’s grieving.
Not only has his perception and attitude changed towards me, but to his DC too (whom we have 50%). He had no interest in Christmas shopping.
C.day he didn’t want to speak to them in the morning, don’t think he would of collected them if he didn’t feel he had to. Had no interest in their presents, dinner, anything. He put them to bed at normal time (expected them to stay up a bit later).
I’ve done the usual checks and am pretty confident there is no other woman. However he is spending so much time away from our home. The area he grew up in / works / where all his friends are is a 45-50min Drive away, he still has a property there. It’s been rented out, and we’ve made my home the family one. Since all this started it’s been empty, so he’s staying there.
I’m at breaking point, every time I try and talk to him, he crys. He won’t soeak to anyone, his DM, DF, other GP, DB, we’ve all tried. I’ve told him to get help, he won’t. I’ve gone to councilling myself because I’m struggling to cope, I feel like i need to be strong.
Something needs to change and Christmas has made me realise that. But without telling my DP, who is what I feel a broken man on the edge, to leave what can I do??
If I tell him to leave, that isn’t fair on the DC. He loves me, I love him, but I can’t stop crying.

It sounds like he’s depressed as well as bereaved. He needs time to come to terms with what’s happened. Very difficult for you and everyone else I know. It looks as if he’s throwing himself into his work to cope with things if you’re sure there’s no OW. Can you check up on his work and new living situation (just to be sure)?

@unibtainable thanks for the quick reply, wasn’t sure anyone would be awake. I’m just led in bed crying, he’s away tonight.
I’ve checked the usual points for OW, eg phone, story of events, etc. nothing to be concerned over.
He spends all his day working (he’s SEmp) but he’s where he is, as I know the family who’s house he’s working at. Then he finishes go to the pub, which I know as he’s tagged in stuff on SM. Then he goes to his house. I’ve been in and it’s like a hostel (no bed, just a mattress), no duvet, just a sheet and no other furniture, so doubt he would take anyone back there, and he’s there when he says he is (I’ve checked). He says he can’t deal with the “serious” conversations at home, so avoids it and needs space. I too think he’s DEpressed, but without receiving help, what can I do? I feel like my life is on hold too and the DC.
I know this all takes time, but it’s making me so sad.

How long are you together? What does he mean by serious conversations? It feels as if he is running away and just wants a simple life...sadly often not depression just a selfish person.

We’ve been together 3years, nearly 4.
Serious conversations; talking about his grief, emotions, our future, the 3 SDC, what’s going on his head, his attitude towards anything, how I’m coping, things he needs to get in order.
I said before have you spoken to any of your friends. He replied no, because that’s my place / time where I don’t need to think.
Mention anything like that and he just breaks down a cry’s. He has never cried before in our relationship until this bereavement, now it’s a regular occurance.

AllSheNeedsIs god that sounds hard. Do you think he’s heading for a nervous breakdown or do you think he’s just had enough of family life and the crying is to mask the shame of abandoning his family? It’s really hard when someone just bales like that and refuses to engage.

Do you love him? Does he love you? Have you discussed separating/divorcing at all in the past? Was everything fine until he lost his relative?

Lots of questions I know. So sorry you’re going through this.

I've seen how grief can change a person. It may take a few months to start being himself but running away won't help. It's not fair on you either or his kids.

Dear OP, sorry to hear about your current situation this time of year. You've done and are doing what most women would do in your position, very admirable. I hope he tries to stop being vague as it's having effects on all involved. Time is the only healer and I'm sure he'll come around in due time. Stay strong x

Thank you all..
I love him and the SDC, he says he loves us too. But is confused of how / why he feels this way. I’ve asked him if he wants to leave, he said no and if he did he would have left months ago. Then he cries.
Everything was fine until he lost his relative. We had just been on are first family holiday abroad, was looking at houses to move to (so we could be in his area), he was here, we was generally happy. Now it just feels like life is a daily struggle.
He’s meant to be coming home soon, we have a child free day, and it was my birthday on C.Day. We haven’t really spent any time together, so we was going to go shopping, meal out, do something fun. I’m hoping he shows up, and that I can keep my emotions in check so we can enjoy the day.

I hope he shows up and you have a good day. Could he be using the death of his relative as an excuse to withdraw from family life? It seems odd that he’s still working as normal but is unable to do family life/relationship with you.

Sorry to hear it’s been a tough Christmas OP. Bereavement and grief are difficult things to deal with - a person has to go through it by him/herself even if everyone around is also grieving. There is no set time and actually no definite progress through the classic stages of grief either - your DP may well be going back and forth between stages of grief and it’s therefore impossible to predict when it will resolve, and stop being the biggest darkest part of his life. Depression / Low mood can occur at the same time - all this takes up a huge amount of mental space and energy and it’s not surprising he is withdrawn.

A grief counsellor might be helpful. I doubt this is the time to ask him to read self-help books but taking time to talk it over certainly helps.

Don’t feel you have to ‘leave him alone to grief’ as that might not always be the best thing if he is not verbalising much.

The thing to avoid is a complex grief disorder - which can sometimes occur when the grieving process is prevented / limited / halted.

Be gentle, kind, flexible and accepting to start with, but you might need to push him to seek some help if you see this going nowhere. Take care!

@allsheneedsis forgot to wish you a very Happy Birthday and a peaceful year ahead!

@unobtainable thank you, he came round. We didn’t talk as such, about the things bothering us. So we’ve had a nice (crying free) day, went out for lunch and spent some time together. I don’t think it’s a excuse. If it was just me he was being like this with, I would. But it’s towards he’s DC who mean the world to him. I think work/socialising is just a coping mechanism.

@isthisseesawtaken thank you for the birthday wishes. I think I’m struggling as I have never grieved someone so close, plus I also struggle with my MH. So his withdrawal from me and the SDC is hurting me, which is why I’ve got help.
I’ve asked him to see a counsellor but he is against the idea. I’ve tried letting him know I’m here to talk, and let him have his space and time, but then I have tried to be firm. As I can’t keep being let down, and feeling so hurt. Especially when the SDC are starting to pick up on it all, and are wondering what’s wrong with their Dad. I just don’t see any way forward at the minute, and how things are going to improve.

Sorry OP, that looks hard to deal with.

Do you have friends and family who could support you?

@unobtainable
My family love close by, but we aren’t close and I’ve never spoke to them about issues. I don’t seem to have that sort of relationship with my mum or Dsis. I’ve spoke to DPs mum, and she’s been a big help.

As for friends I have one who is being great, I think she feels like she is on this rollercoaster too.

My other close friendship group cut contact years ago, as they thought I was in the wrong taking on 3SDC, in their eyes it’s stupid and no one should do it (their attitude was similar for other things).

Other than them I have a few other friends, but they are busy in their lives, so we don’t speak / see each other much. Life is pretty lonely atm.

In that case i think you just have to wait it out until its no longer possible. Tough, I know both for you and the step DCs.

Try to expand your social circle a little bit to avoid becoming isolated. It will help your mental health too.

@AllSheNeedsIs
It probably feels like you’re wading through mud. There are a few things here:

1. you. Your insight is valuable, in that you know that it does take a toll on your own mental health, so I hope this means you realise roughly what you are capable of taking on, and what you might have to ‘close yourself to’ a bit more, and perhaps go through the motions simply to keep things going. It’s hard when this happens to someone close, whereas counsellors listen but are not meant to feel it affecting themselves. So reassess regularly to see if you are still keeping afloat.
2. SDC. They’re not going to understand the change in their dad unless they are told about it. You might be able to have a quiet little chat where you first ask them their feelings and thoughts about what is happening and either correct their misconceptions or provide a little bit more info so they realise it’s not them, and also they will know it might not go away quickly or fully. Keep yourself open to questions, and little group hugs (updates) might be useful so they feel part of the process - they are! I don’t know if DP will feel cheered up by their support? But I certainly don’t believe you should behave as if nothing is wrong because children are not oblivious.
3. the crying. This takes grit to see, because it hurts you when he is sad and crying, but I don’t think crying is all bad. Whether it’s started off by a sad movie, trigger song etc, it can be a bit of a release, and if you’re able to sit through some of the crying, you could get some talking done at the end of it. He, and you are going to figure out how his grieving process works, not even an expert can tell you as it is a very individual experience, so you will just learn about it through episodes of crying / talking / recovering.

Mostly, remember to look after yourself and be able to decompress as he and DSC are relying on your strength to move him through this. Keep posting here to offload and I’m sure you will get some support from those who have been through similar. xx