When should you give up on your marriage

[Janepear]

I am not miserable but I am along way from happy. I dread the holidays when he is at home. He’s on his phone all the time and mostly I just feel like I am irritating him, he never listens to me and I am so lonely I just take tranquillisers to flat line my life. He works long hours which I am glad of but I’m so scared of leaving. I have no money we have 3 dcs and I have no family at all. If we split up what if it was worst than this. He doesn’t have any unbearable habits in a way I wish he did then the choice would be made for me. Sometimes I wish he’d have an affair. But I think of the dcs and then I feel really bad they wouldn’t see their Dad as much and we don’t argue, well not much. I feel pathetic and weak. My Mum who was my best friend died last year and I have no one. Please be gentle in your replies.

I am not miserable

You sound rather miserable. If you split up, it probably wouldn't be worse, and might become much better pretty quickly.

Sending you hugs and sympathies

Go read some John Gottman or watch his vids on YouTube.

Google 'Bids for Attention'

There has to be more to life than this nothing relationship. Be brave. You obviously want more than this out of life

It sounds like you are a bit lonely and depressed after your mother's passing. Is there something you like doing outside of domestic life where you could perhaps take time out and join a group or meet others with similar interest so you could boost your self esteem and meet new friends?

For me when an unhappy relationship starts affecting the children then it's the right thing to call it a day. Children pick these things up naturally and is deeply unsettling and cause long lasting psychological issues. Split parenting isn't ideal on children but I firmly believe growing up with separated but happier parents is better.

Thanks for your comments. It’s odd how you get used to something isn’t it. I didn’t realise I sounded so miserable. I think trying to go out and meet new people is a good idea. I imagine maybe I’m not much fun to be around either. I’ve lost a number of people over the last few years, hence I have no family now and I worry that’s colouring now I see my life. I think I am depressed and going through grief. If I leave then I realise it wasn’t him but me, well that scares me. I’m lost in my own thoughts and so confused.

You are bound to miss your dm. Look at it objectively. Are there things you love about your dh? If you can't think of at least 6 things you love about him then marriage in trouble. Then could you change things? Would a regular date night with just the two of you and no mobile phones make you feel better? If the thought of together time makes you feel worse separate as you both deserve more. If thinking of leaving i would save up secretly just in case your dh uses finances against you. For me the acid test would be if it was your daughter, what would you advise her to do? I stayed in my first marriage for too long as i was not happy but like you i thought he was not cheating and we had 3 kids so i sucked it up and made best of it. Then my friend discovered he was cheating on me so i threw him out. Hard until divorce came through bit life is much better. I found new dh and am so happy now i realise i should have been braver and left sooner. My ex is also happier in new relationship and is even nicer to me than when we were married.

Good luck on your journey

I hope you find a happier future.

Your post sounds similar to one I wrote on a forum years ago before I got divorced. I wanted my husband to have an affair as well so I'd feel justified. My marriage was horribly toxic and after a visit to a therapist a whole lot of marital problems I wasn't even aware of came to the surface. I suggest you start planning out how to leave and don't feel guilty if you do.

I get it. I so get it.

Waiting endlessly for the 'switch' to turn 'off' myself.

Big hugs to you x