Dealing with PIL illness and death when strained relationship

[SandysMam]

Just that really...if you had a strained, difficult or even unhappy relationship with your in laws, how did you act when they got ill and died? FIL is aging and on a downward spiral really. We have never got on and I have had many a row with DH about his behaviour. I can’t forgive a lot of it just because he may die soon and I don’t want to be two faced. He is not terminal, just old and unhealthy.
I love my DH and don’t want him to blame me when his Dad does die for the strained relationship.
Any advice or experience?

Rarely saw my pil as they always seemed to prefer bil and their children

I never really got along with fil and he only saw my son 3 or 4 times (he is 9) and my daughter 6/7 times (she is 24).

When he passed away two years ago I never went to funeral & neither did children. Dh went but I chose not to go

Sorry dd 14 not 24!

Thanks for the reply! Did it cause issues between you and your DH?

We discussed it & I explained why I would not be going.

His parents caused arguments between us in the past but not now.

Strangely it has bought us closer together

Hmm. I'm in a kind of similar situation. Not at all close to PIL, low contact. FIL out of picture, MIL now frail and elderly. I see my role as supporting dh to do what he needs to do. It's dh's role to decide how to support his Mum.

This bothers me too from time to time. We’re NC with DH parents but hear about things from other relatives and FIL has cancer. I have nothing good to say about either of them, last time we bumped into them MIL physically attacked me and FIL screamed at DH till we literally ran away. They’re horrific. But when FIL dies it’s still going to be shit for DH and I expect he’ll want to go to the funeral. I don’t know how MIL will feel about it... I certainly wouldn’t want to go but I wonder how it’s best to support DH when it happens.

When he was diagnosed DH was agonising over the prospect of him dying with things so awful between everyone and I think he considered trying to reconnect. But after the last grim incident he was reminded that while the man is ill he’s also an abusive arsehole. Difficult.