Need advice desperately

[Evaleemorr]

Bit of a long story but I need desperate advice.

My ex left me for another woman nearly 3years ago. It wasn’t a good marriage and in hindsight he treated me awfully the whole time.

I met a guy 6 months after we split up. Not at all my type as he’s very self centred, controlling and I don’t feel he could ever be trusted. I saw him 6-7 times in total and we always had sex. Again...the sex was all about him, was rough and I never felt it was anything more than sex.

I then went on and met another guy about 2.5yrs ago. He’s the most lovely guy I could ever ask for. He’s very attentive to me and treats me fantastically. I’ve never had any reason to doubt him and he moved in with myself and my children 3 months ago. They adore him and we are really happy.

Here’s the problem. Stupidly, I’ve stayed in touch with the other guy. Only via text but I’ve really valued him as a friend. We were a great support to each other as we both separated at the same time and have followed a similar journey. His wife left him and moved out with the kids and I can imagine why!

Anyway, I dropped a Christmas card at his house a few days ago and he invited me in. I said no several times but he’s very persuasive. He pretty much jumped me once I was in the house and we ended up having sex again. Despite saying no several times prior to it, I allowed it to go ahead. He was very rough with me and I’ve felt awful about cheating on my partner since.

How do I go about moving on from this? I feel so low and actually pretty violated by a so called friend.

I don’t understand how you felt like this person was a “valued” friend.

We can only go by what you are telling us and to be honest it sounds like you went there because you knew it would happen and only put up token resistance?

(If I’ve missed the point and you’re saying you feel you have been raped then I apologise entirely)

I totally disagree with Frogs.

You were sexually assaulted, op. For some reason this aggressive bloke has a hold on you and despite you not giving enthusiastic consent he went ahead and fucked you anyeay

There is only one word for that. Coerced sex is rape. I am sorry

I posted the Christmas card at I time I felt he wasn’t there as his car wasn’t on the drive. It was in the garage being fixed apparently and he saw me and opened the door.

Thanks for slating me when I’m already feeling awful about what’s happened.

We’ve supported each other via text through our divorces. That’s why I valued the friendship over the last few years.

Your biggest concern is for the cuckolded bloke oof

What the fuck am I reading today ? Has all the Xmas gin made everyone's brain fall out ?

Despite saying no several times prior to it, I allowed it to go ahead.

Allowing and consent are not necessarily the same thing. How did you feel at the time? Did you feel safe to continue saying no or to leave or did you feel scared and intimidated?

Not sure it is rape, but it surely was a violation. Stay away from him!!

Just out of interest, TS what is the difference between this and rape ?

Op went to his house willingly ? Op has slept with the guy before ? Op was alone with him ? What ?

Don’t move on, actually deal with what happened and what you did. If it helps your valued friend is a nasty piece of work. And you are his friend by choice, knowing that.

You said no. Several times. The sex was rough, and not enjoyable. This doesn't actually sound like cheating to me.

We were friends for years yes. I have blocked and deleated his number and will never have any contact with him again.

I’m not asking for judgement or slating...I’m doing that to myself heavily. There’s not a second that’s gone by since that I haven’t eaten myself up and regretted posting that card.

And yes, I did feel scared when he had both his hands around my neck. I’m not faultless and I went in to his house because I’m a fool, believe and wrongly judged him as a friend. I’d never have asked for that though and just want someone to turn back time.

Has your current partner noticed your change in mood ?

You need to be honest with your current partner and then work out a way forward, if he wants to continue being with you.

I don't understand your motivations in staying in touch or even posting a card to the ex. You have your current partner for support.

I think you need to tell your partner what has happened.

Well it sounds very much to me that you've been raped. You may be struggling with that possibility because you were not more forceful, did not try to fight or flee. However, it's very common for people to freeze as a response to a dangerous situation because fleeing is impossible and fighting risks making the threat even more dangerous.

Be kind to yourself OP. You are not to blame. Please consider giving Rape Crisis a call, just for a chat and to help clarify your thoughts and feelings.

I'm not sure why you would want to be friends with someone who in your own words is controlling and can't be trusted, even if his circumstances were identical to yours.

Cut all contact with him completely including social media.

Be certain to use your red-flag radar for friendships and acquaintances as well as relationships in the future. It seems because you weren't in a relationship you deemed this persons red flags as inapplicable to you. Wrong.

Use this horrid experience to re-examine the suitability of people you have contact with and remove any further trash (toxic acquaintances or friendships) from your life.

Good luck.

Thanks closetbeanmuncher.

I’ve learnt one of the biggest lessons of my life with this. On reflection it was a toxic friendship and it’s taken until now for me to realise this. I was vulnerable when we first started seeing each other and have never looked at him in a sexual light since that point. It’s been purely friendship based on support through our divorces since.

Hopefully in time I can put this awful experience behind me and move on. I know no true friend would have put me in that situation and I never want to have anything to do with him again.