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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

17 replies

newye · 26/12/2018 09:46

Hello everyone, merry Christmas Grin.
I had a conversation yesterday with a good friend about relationships . If it is relevant I have been single for 6 years and have a DS .I was telling how I would have loved to have a family unit to spend Christmas with then came the conversation about men and relationships. She told me I was expecting too much if I am waiting to meet a man that will not cheat on me because I told her I wouldn't stay with a cheat . She said in this day and age meeting a man that doesn't cheat is like a needle in a haystack. According to her , if a man disrespects , lies and cheats on you , you find ways to work on yourself and make him love you but don't leave because the next man will not be any different.
This made me think maybe I should revisit my standards if I don't want to be alone forever as I would love to get married one day and have more dc. We are both 30 if that's relevant., is my friend right? I am open to any advice or criticism.
Thank you for reading Smile

OP posts:
FissionChips · 26/12/2018 09:48

Your friend is an idiot.

MiniTheMinx · 26/12/2018 09:53

Your friend is very silly. Men behave as men behave without any consequence only when women expect so little. Social pressure is a thing, and if all women were to expect better treatment we'd all get better treatment.

Dirtybadger · 26/12/2018 09:54

No she isn't right.

Not all men cheat. Have you ever cheated? Do you think you ever would? Obviously you can't be sure, but I assume the answer is no. Men aren't special. Not all women cheat. Nor all men.
Nothing to do with this "day and age", although the means people use to cheat is different I guess to 30 years ago. But people still had affairs!

But being a "family unit" at Christmas with step children in the mix, might be a different reality to the one you're thinking of. You have to assume you will not only meet someone you love etc etc but that the in laws are also great too. Otherwise Christmas is probably more stressful than being single...

Never lower your standard. The exact opposite! Never give up a lovely Christmas just you and your son (and family if you have one) for a bloke who isn't reliable.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 09:55

Your friend needs to raise her standards! Massively!

You, on the other hand, have it right. Don’t lower your standards, ever. In fact, being faithful isn’t even a high standard! It’s a basic requirement of a decent relationship, not some kind of treat.

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 09:57

Your friend is a dick. You know that. No way are you thinking you should lower you standards to this, surely.

What I can say is that you can't ever say you wouldn't stay with a cheat. You have no idea what you would do until you are in that situation. Even if you have left a cheat before, another situation could be different to you might end up staying.

I would say my Dp is very unlikely to cheat. But who knows. You don't know if you are with a cheater, until it comes out.

You both seem to be on extreme ends of this which is odd.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2018 09:59

Your friend's perspective is highly likely to have been influenced by her background, maybe her own DF was unfaithful, or by her romantic relationships, if she has been cheated on one or more times.

If your self respect is high, you are more likely to attract someone who willlove and value you above others, and not want to risk losing you by being stupid enough to chase after other people. They'll see the grass is green on their side of the fence.

Argonauts · 26/12/2018 09:59

Seriously, OP. You honestly need to come on here and ask if your friend with the subterranean standards is right, and you should put ‘Fine with chronic infidelity’ on your OLD profile?

Original poster
newye · 26/12/2018 10:09

To answer to a few general questions;
We come from a culture where marriage and family is an objective by the time you reach a certain age so I am feeling the pressure .
I have no family in the UK but do elsewhere in Europe and the world but I tend to avoid visits because the marriage issue always almost comes up.
I have never cheated before and ds's dad left me for the OW and is happy with her today . Like a poster said I don't know how I would react if I am cheated on but is expecting fidelity a bad thing? To be fair some days I think I would have stayed with him if given the chance just to keep the family unit . I don't even know anymore SadSad

OP posts:
Holdingoutforalotterywin · 26/12/2018 12:54

No I don’t think she is right. It sounds like she needs to meet a lovely man who will help her see that she is wrong. She sounds very sad and confused at the moment. Don’t let her issues get tangled up with hers - she doesn’t need to be forced to see that she is wrong and you don’t need to impose her disappointed views on your own x

keenkaren · 26/12/2018 13:02

She has half a point. You will never find someone 100% perfect and some compromises will need to be made and you need to figure out what those are. We see time and time again here on MN people posting threads about generally ok husbands who have one major flaw and everyone is saying LTB but really they should be working on them because at their age it probably wont get any better

Moonstoned · 26/12/2018 13:11

OP, I come from a culture where working-class girl of my generation were expected to leave school at 15, work in something minimum-wage for a few years, then marry ‘a good provider’ and have a large family within a couple of miles of where you grow up. I came to the UK to study at Oxford, work in a professional field no one in my family understands, and married at 39, and had my only child at 40.

To my parents I am a huge disappointment. I’m telling you this because
cultural pressures can be resisted. They should certainly not lead to you feeling you should be tolerating infidelity or other poor behaviour from a male partner in order to marry.

NotTheFordType · 26/12/2018 15:55

She said in this day and age meeting a man that doesn't cheat is like a needle in a haystack

In this day and age? Men (and women) have always and will always seek sex outside of relationships if they think they can get away with it.

I'd say in this day and age, as opposed to the 60s and 70s, women have a lot more freedom to leave an unfaithful partner - they are far more likely to have employment, financial independence, a support network, and most of all no ingrained stigmas about the horror of a broken home. Back in the day women felt they had no choice but to stay with unfaithful husbands through fear and shame.

SandyY2K · 26/12/2018 16:08

Women cheat just as much as men. You just don't hear men mention it as much, because it dents their ego and they feel embarrassed and emasculated by it.

Of course faithful men and women still exist in their numbers.

It's the quality of your relationship that is a large part of whether one steps outside or not.

Original poster
newye · 26/12/2018 16:54

@keenkaren yes I know no one is perfect and I am far from perfect either so I am not asking for someone who is perfect but I think asking for a partner that's committed hopefully is not asking too much
@Moonstoned My story is almost identical as you in terms of coming to the UK to study but then for me I ended pregnant and a single parent which makes me a disappointment as I am supposed to set example for my sisters.
Thank you ladies for your advice, at least I know well I hope I am not asking for the impossible Smile

OP posts:
keenkaren · 26/12/2018 21:21

Women cheat just as much as men

I seriously don't think this is true based on people I've spoken to over the years

Notacluethisxmas · 27/12/2018 07:42

I do think women cheat as much as men. In my life I have known just as many women cheat.

As pp says, women are more likely to be honest about being cheated on. It's a different experience for men, they don't like to admit it.

Also read mn. When a woman cheats she is advised not to say anything. To forget it and move on. If a man posted the same he would be ripped to shreds about it. Women are encouraged to keep quiet about their indiscretions. That's seemingly acceptable.

Notacluethisxmas · 27/12/2018 07:43

I also think women who cheat are more harshly judged. Another reason women wouldn't admit it to publicly

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