Blended families

[Albert5311]

Hi I am new here and would appreciate your advice be it from first or second hand experience or a different perspective. My 20 year old son has had issues with his step dad for the last 5 years. My husband has been father to my son since he was 3 years old. I have always been in the middle of them trying to bring them together and help foster a relationship. But it came to a head with my son moving in with my parents, who are not helping by letting him live his own life with no responsibilities.

He is a good young man, studying full time at uni and working part time for the past 3 years. He did some chores around the house but engaged very minimal with us or his 2 younger sisters (from current marriage). The issue is he feels no connection to my husband and had told him this, due to him not being his biological father (whom has not been in his life for the past 12 years of his life). He holds a lot of resentment to my husband for disciplining him and not doing a lot with him...all in his point of view. My husband disciplined him as should be, with consequences and responsibility but NEVER layed a finger on him, but I had always been so over protective of my son so eventually my husband stopped.
My husband wants a relationship with him and used to be close to my son, being actively involved in his sport and going to all his games till my son lost interest in it. Since then there has been nothing in common for the 2 of them.
My son visits us once a week but even then he makes no real effort with myself or my husband. I have changed my approach to him by letting him visit when he feels the need rather than imposing on him.
We had been going to counselling which he refuses to do anymore as said it was a waste of time.
He wants to move back in but on his terms and we have told him there are 2 conditions we need met, he needs to go to counselling to deal with the emotions he has towards us and he needs to engage more with the family and not avoid us. We told him we can all draw a line in the sand and move forward together but he sees he has done no wrong and blames us for him not wanting to be part of the family. My husband took responsibility for him not being the father my son was wanting and said let us work together to move forward, but my son is not wanting to comply. He now has this attitude that we cannot tell him our expectations of him. It's as if he has grown in his mindset that we have no right to tell him anything he doesn't agree with or that upsets him. And it is his way or nothing. He still has a very immature approach to life due to lack of experience, relationships and most of all ignorance. My husband keeps telling me it is his nature that is showing through and taking over the nurture we have given him.

I am at my wit's end, whilst I love my son as does my husband...we are losing patience for him and his behaviour. He is not working towards moving back in on our expectations...and when we tried to work with him as to what changes he would like to see when he moves back in, he has no answer. All he says is he wants to reconnect with us separately and together for outings, but nothing about our 'family relationship' and even then makes no effort to stay connected to us, it is us that message him to which we get short answers. I call him to check up on how he is doing, yet he blames us for not making any effort with him.
My husband has almost given up on him which is sad to say but he is justified and I am ready to give him a deadline to show us that he is wanting to change and work with us or he is not welcome to the family home anymore 😣

Honestly?
I think you are making a huge mountain out of a molehill.

I’ve been both the stepchild and married to the step-parent.

As a stepchild, during the difficult teenage years, I felt a lot of resentment and isolation feeling like the intruder on the perfect nuclear family. I see you have two children who are biologically your husbands. Similar situation. For me, it was mainly teenage angst, I grew out of it. Obviously I have no idea about your son’s motivation, I’d suggest time just you and him and leave your husband out of the relationship for a while.

As an adult and married to a man who was not my son’s father I think I managed to sidestep a lot of the step parent drama. Son maintained a relationship with his biological father (who is dad) and my ex (who was always referred to by name). We never had the ‘you’re not my father’ argument because my ex never tried to be a father, he married me - discipline and major decisions down to me. What does your son want? There’s lots of ‘us’ at the end of your post. Why is it so important that it’s ‘us’? I understand that your marriage is important to you but personally I’d go with maintaining a relationship with my son separately over forcing your son to accept ‘us’ for now.

He sounds like a normal lad to me. What responsibilities do you want him to take? He's at uni .....and working. I don't think your problem is your son, I think it's your husband. The nature / nurture remark is very passive aggressive. 'He's just like his dad'.

Also there's a hint of submissiveness in your post. I'm guessing your husband is the driving force behind these 'expectations '. He's either a control freak or a drama lama. Give the lad a break

You’ve said he’s 20, and at that age it’s time you treated him as an adult, because he is one. You can’t make him “engage more with the family and not avoid us”. That’s something as an adult, he can chose to do, or not do. Your post reads of behaviour expected of a much younger child.

You’ve said he has a “immature approach to life due to lack of experience, relationships and most of all ignorance”. He’s 20, and you’re still trying to tell him how to behave, and how he should feel. How do you think he’ll ever grow and learn as an adult when you are telling him he’s not allowed to?

Are you sure your husband even likes him? That comment about your husband saying your sons behaviour is his “nature showing through” while the two of you have been rosy faced angels bringing him up is a really nasty, bitchy comment that I would not expect a step parent or parent to make. Maybe your son has realised how two faced you both are and while he may well love you, he may not like you either.

Be proud of him and stop trying to control him. You’ve said he’s full time at uni as well as working part time. Most people would assume that alone means he’s growing up, setting goals, working hard to combine study and a job - not an easy thing.

It’s great that you all seemed to get on when he was younger, but you seem to have a sense of entitlement that because your husband went to his sports games your son should still be full of gratitude over and “comply” with your wishes, including that very self righteousness comment that he toe the deadline you’re thinking of and turn into a biddable 8 year old again, otherwise he never sees you all again.

He’s a separate person now, an adult, and you don’t own him. If you want him to WANT to see you what do you think you and your husband need to change in your behaviour? What should YOU change in yourselves?

You want a 20 year old to go to counselling because he is becoming his own independent person and he isn't as close to you as he was when he was younger

It isn't your DS's job to meet your needs. If he is able to complete a course at uni and keep a job he can't be that irresponsible. If you continue trying to force him to be the perfect son you will only push him further away.

I will go against the grain here but...I think you should do the maximum to maintain a relationship with him, but do not let him move back in. If he does, with how he currently feels it will become a battle ground far more difficult than what already exists whereby he will do whatever he likes and he has the advantage of being there, and the only way forward if he refuses to engage is for you to get him to leave which will have far more damaging consequences.

Whilst he is not living in the house at least you can keep trying but will,have respite which you won't have if he is here 100%. What you don't want in the worst case scenario is to end up destroying your marriage and the family unit you do have as there is a balance for all of you and you have two other children as well

Of course you should let him move back in. Failing to do so just reinforces his feelings of being outside your nuclear family. I think he sounds lovely - he's at uni, working full time and isn't causing any serious teenage issues, so what is the problem? He's becoming his own person, an independent adult, and won't always want to engage with family life.

Go and look at the 'teenager' board if you want to read about some real problems. Surely you know his behaviour is normal. Haven't you ever heard parents saying 'he treats this place like a hotel' or 'I'm just a taxi service to him'?

Every time you meet normal behaviour with 'you need counselling' you are telling him that he is a problem or has a problem, widening the chasm between you.

Your dp sounds like the problem to me, not your son.

Your DS sounds like he is doing very well. He has got into university and he is working part-time, so presumably self-sufficient whilst living with his grandparents. His grandparents also sound good people for supporting him at a difficult time.

Where my senses tingle is your partner - who has taken the discipline role of your son rather than you (which is why your son kicks back and says he is not his dad); and the nature over nurture remark - which is really quite nasty because your son is doing you proud - he has left your house so you have not had a war zone between him and your husband, he has got into uni and is working part-time, and he does not bear you ill will and is trying to find a way to come back but be allowed to be his own person. He is a 20 year old man, he should be finding his own way in life.

Hence, if he moves back in, it should not be about a relationship as a family but common respect and mutuality in the household. Your husband has no right at all now to discipline him (or even comment, to be honest). But I agree with the PP that him moving back in will just lead to conflict, but not because your son will do what he likes but because your husband will not like having his position as dominant man and father threatened. Your son will be the subject of constant digs and pressure to be different than he is. I actually do not get the impression your son did what he liked before - he did chores and he has done well enough to get into uni and hold down a part-time job. Not the actions of a layabout.

I have re-read your post, there are so many negative descriptors of your son. He is being painted as a problem. Why not make a list of all the good things he has done? And then think about where these negative ideas have come from? What else does your husband ‘keep saying’?

Honestly, what your son is suggesting sounds fine - reconnecting separately and on outings, and you are threatening him with being cut off?

You have a successful son who is doing well. But he is an adult.
Let him move back in and be kind. He will come around but as he is 20 he won’t be as interested in family time as you.

I honestly think that you're overthinking this, OP. He sounds like a perfectly responsible, normal young man to me. Just relax and stop trying to micromanage.

I agree with those who say you shouldn't put conditions on him moving back . He is your family and wants to live with you and yet you are putting up a wall. He is a young man who is doing more than many to support himself and do the right thing for himself and his relations. Look at him for whom he is and listen to him ; you can't turn him into a different person. What is he doing 'wrong'?

I think you need to stop imposing your virws on how your DS should feel and behave onto him. He sounds perfectly normal and you and your H sound really overbearing.

I think it's best he stays with the grandparents.you can't discipline another adult ,that's hilarious.your dh has done a wonderful job of alienating him.well done.

At that age I pulled away massively from my parents, and was pretty selfish too. I was finding my own way, and they (eventually) let me.

I went back, a few years later, and we had a really close bond after that.

So I guess what I’m saying is I know it’s hard and hurtful, but let him go. He’ll come back, if you’ve not mined the river after he burned the bridge if that makes sense.

Your son is not the problem here.

He is not obliged to love your partner. Nobody gets to tell another human being how they should or shouldn't feel. You and your husband are trying to impose your view of how your son should feel onto him - that isn't okay. The nature vs nurture comment is pretty revealing in my mind - that's a really nasty thing for your husband to say.

Your son is a grown man. You need to start respecting him as such

At 20 years of age, if you are letting your ADULT son live at home, (presumably to make his studying/working life easier), then I don't think you get to dictate anything more than some basic rules of respect for sharing a house. You can't impose relationships on him! Honestly, it sounds batty. The conditions you and your husband are trying to impose on him are utterly ridiculous. Please take on board what people are telling you or you'll end up with no relationship with him when he's older.

This is very odd.

I agree!

Your husband is not your son's 'family'. Stop all the 'we' and 'us' - he is your son and he is not obliged to feel connected to your husband.

I don’t think your son should live with you and your husband. He is moving forward in his life away from 2 overly controlling people who seem to have labelled him needlessly. He should be there for his sisters but not for you.