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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christmas sadness

21 replies

louisejanep · 25/12/2018 23:38

I’ve posted quite a lot lately, but just need some wise words tonight feeling very lost right now. I have been in an emotional and psychologically damaging relationship for 10yrs and we have 3 ye old together.

After battling for a long time I faced my demons and left and come back to mum n dads with DD. Today I spent day here, then he wanted to see DD so although it was very hard to return back ‘home’ I did for a few hours so he could see DD and I couldn’t bare not having her with me xmas day. I got him a few presents off DD but when I got there he had spent a lot of money on me and I had not even wrote him a card as we have not spoke face to face for 3 weeks. I left after about 2 hrs as mum was cooking our dinner. I felt awful when I left knowing he would be sitting in on his own on Xmas day :( he has caused me a lot of pain but I can’t get the image out of my head of him sitting there all day on his own when he’s not well either. I feel very guilty, I don’t think anybody should be on own at xmas.

He hugged me and said please stop being stubborn and stop putting up a wall to which I replied today is about DD nothing else, just hope I’ve not given him false hope. But then at same time everything felt ‘normal’ and I felt happy for a very brief moment something I haven’t in a very long time. I feel really lost and would like some wise words. Am I terrible leaving him alone? When we use to spend ages every year getting ready for Xmas and all but one had really nice special Christmases.

OP posts:

NC4Now · 25/12/2018 23:41

No, you weren’t terrible leaving him alone, you were more than generous visiting. Christmas rakes up all sorts of feelings- I’ve had a message from my ex today - but it was up to him to fill his day. He must have friends or family. It’s down to him to make plans and if he didn’t, assume he was happy to be alone.

Original poster

louisejanep · 25/12/2018 23:51

Yes I agree that Christmas drags up a lot of feelings, I feel like I’ve took two steps back today when I have been doing well ‘coping’ with everything. I just keep thinking imagine if I was in that situation I would feel so sad, but like you have said I would have also made plans and bout put myself there.

OP posts:

pog100 · 25/12/2018 23:53

Read your old threads, he is very very bad news for you. You are NOT responsible for his happiness. You really need to break that thought pattern. It's hard but important. Good luck

thelaststraw123 · 25/12/2018 23:56

I've spent today alone as I'm living in a refuge after leaving a violent ex!!

He's been fishing all day to try and get me to go see him and contact him.

I've actually quite enjoyed my day.

Xmas brings rubbish feelings. This will pass! X

Original poster

louisejanep · 25/12/2018 23:57

Thank you pog100 I went to see a councillor who is putting sessions in place for me in the new year. But yes it’s so hard to break the thought pattern especially on my own, I just hope I’ve not give out wrong signal today as he’s been texting Saying how lovely it was to have us 3 all together again

OP posts:

Original poster

louisejanep · 25/12/2018 23:59

The last straw, I’m sorry your in a refuge well done for leaving and sticking to your guns, it’s very courageous of you. I’ve enjoyed my day with my family playing games and having a nice time but then as soon as I seen him and went back to ‘our’ house felt overwhelmed and a little lost in leaving.

OP posts:

JK1773 · 26/12/2018 00:13

Xmas is an odd time of year. You feel sad as you are a kind empathetic person. He is neither of those things. Surround yourself with people who love you. You are not responsible for him or his feelings, he is responsible for his own situation. He’s lost you. It’s difficult I know but you can’t change him and you and your child deserve better. Oh and happy Christmas x

Dirtybadger · 26/12/2018 00:23

Just read some of your older threads. He had plenty of chances to change. He didn't. Now you protect yourself and your DD and try to just preserve yourself emotionally. Don't be manipulated by him. If he wants company next year's he has plenty of time to build some closer friendships, etc. Unless he gets a new girlfriend I would expect the sympathy card to get whipped out now and again going forward. Ignore it. Look after yourself.

He is still blaming you now. You're not "being stubborn"....He means "stop not doing what I want". That's a different thing!

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 00:26

I feel like I’ve made mistake by going back with my little one today for Xmas. I could have dropped her off there but didn’t want to be without her. Just hope I’ve not given him false hope. Thank you JK and dirtybader for your replies.

OP posts:

JK1773 · 26/12/2018 00:34

Don’t beat yourself up about today OP. You did what you thought was best for your child. That’s never a bad thing

SandyY2K · 26/12/2018 00:40

I have been in an emotional and psychologically damaging relationship for 10yrs

Read this over and over again.

subspace · 26/12/2018 05:21

Sod worrying about whether you've given him false hope! He's given you plenty of false hope over the last few years, deliberately. This is so not a thing. He is pulling your strings and manipulating you. Don't let him.

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 06:12

You haven't given him false hope

If he chooses to see something that isn't there , that's his problem

Look after you and DD and don't allow him to hurt you again

changeoflife · 26/12/2018 08:29

Who cares about giving this man false hope. I've just had a quick skim through some of your previous posts and quite honestly, this man sounds vile. He doesn't respect you or even like you very much from what I've read. He is a controlling, abusive arse and you and your daughter are so much better without him.

Hopefully he did spend Xmas alone and miserable. This is not your fault. It is his. He did this to himself.

Well done on getting out. I hope you can muster the strength to stay out and away from him. His happiness is not your concern. He certainly hasn't shown any concern for yours over the years. For you and your daughters sake I hope you can realise this and don't get sucked back in!

daisychain01 · 26/12/2018 12:12

My only advice is please stop being responsible for anyone else's happiness, only be responsible for your own feelings and happiness Keep repeating it to yourself.

Remember he doesn't care about you, I can bet you any money you like he doesn't sit there agonising over how his behaviour affects you. So your concerns are not appreciated.

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 13:30

It’s all very true what you said, I need to remind myself about all the bad times and stop thinking about the good times like how much we all really enjoyed Christmas as a family.

After 10 years though (my whole adult life) I feel so lost.

OP posts:

Original poster

louisejanep · 26/12/2018 17:28

Anybody else ever done this and come out the other side? Seems impossible to get through t the moment but hopefully will get easier

OP posts:

changeoflife · 27/12/2018 08:46

Be kind to yourself OP.

Plenty of women have left relationships and gone on to be very happy, either meeting someone else or by living a single life. You will find your happiness, you've just got to ride out this crappy part first. My exh and I separated over 6 years ago now. It takes a hell of a long time to completely recover but you do. I was left with a 5yr old and a 2yr old at the time and it was devastating. But 6 years on, all is good. I'm single but through choice, have bought my own home and feel very settled. It took time though and I just ploughed through the bad months knowing that eventually things had to get better!

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 08:52

Anybody else ever done this and come out the other side? Seems impossible to get through t the moment but hopefully will get easier

Many many many people have done what you're doing (myself included - although my ex didn't ratchet up the drama as he isn't a narcissist )

We all got/get through

Life is better for everyone without abuse and narcissism

Life is better for the children without abuse and narcissism - please remember that children see the horrible things - and knowing Mummy is strong and is making a safe life for them , makes children feel very happy

JillScarlet · 27/12/2018 08:58

So you are supposed to ‘stop being stubborn’.

I.e he sees you at fault and the one who has to change. Not him. Tells you everything.

Abusuve men typically turn on the ‘nice guy’ to manipulate you. Buying presents is easy.

You have done the difficult but, OP, moving to your Mum’s. Don’t throw your new future away, and certainly do not take your Dd back to an abusuve household.

Paranoiasettingin · 27/12/2018 09:08

Its one day. He will survive. More to the point would you and yr dd if you had stayed? Dont waste yr energy feeling sorry for him- he didnt care about you and dd did he? No. Sometimes when we go back to the place we only remember the good timed. Think if all the shit he put you through. Dont look back. Go forwards. Hes a grown man. Think to yrself why he is on his own? Maybe nobody wants him as he has brought it on himself or he has chosen this to be vunerable looking to you? Clever ploy. It will get better. Its a weird time of year. Everyone feels lost at times. Youll get there and you wont feel lost- youll feel bloody brilliant!

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