Struggling at christmas (loneliness and abortion)

[AnnaStudy]

Hello!
I'm 24, partner is 25. Been together 4 years.
Long story short: i found out i was pregnant 2 and a bit months ago. I had an abortion 7 weeks ago. I was 7 weeks. (DP wasnt ready for a baby, he wanted to go travelling), stopped bleeding from it a couple of days ago and HCG finally got to a "not pregnant" level last week (blood tests were tracked).
Anyways - 3 weeks after abortion, DP went travelling and he's planning on working away and not coming back for ages (basically i'm visiting over summer) so it was about 7 months until i was to see him again. 4 days notice that he's moving away and i hadnt even stopped bleeding :,( He only gave me 4 days notice.
Anyways, we've made.plans for me.to go see him in January but still i feel empty.
I've become very distressed by the abortion - i know i didnt want the abortion, i want my babies back (they were triplets), i was so stupid :( i've been having nightmares and distressing thoughts of the scan (i saw the scan before abortion, saw the heartbeats).
Watching my little sisters (8 and 9) (i live with parents) open their presents made me have a lump in my throat because all i kept thinking was how much those 3 babies would have loved Christmas :,(

I'm also lonely because DP is obviously away. We've been keeping in touch everyday but he's travelling around poorer countries so sometimes signal can be quite bad and it has been the past 2 days so i havent heard much.
I feel i've lost 2 things in such a short amount of time - my babies.and my dp.
I miss him so much, especially today :( i'm looking forward to seeing him soon but that's only for 5 days then i wont see him for 5-6 months. I'm really struggling. I'm in uni training to be a teacher so i couldnt go with him. It's been his dream to travel for so long but i just think his timing was awful.
He's having the time of his life and i'm just at home. The HCG lasted longer than i thought so i was left to deal with cramps and horrible blood sights in the toilet (sorry TMI) all by myself :(

I dont really know what i expect anyone to say, i just needed it off my chest. I'm an emotional wreck. I just feel the past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions

PS in case there's confusion about the travelling side of things - he has always spoke of going away throughout our relationship but nothing ever came of it. He always said he'd give me at least 2 months notice before he went. But he gave me 4 days. His family and i all found out the same day and we were all devastated at the short notice. I was angry because it was so close to the abortion and none of his family knew about the abortion

Oh OP I really don't know what to say. I'm sure your DP doesn't mean to come across that way, but he's being an insensitive twat really.

I can't offer much advice. I'm here to listen though.

I had an unwanted abortion at 20, and felt pushed into it by my then partner. I get how tough that is. The worst thing I did was not talk to anyone about it, I ended up with a lot of pent up anger!

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're feeling low. It's a lot to cope with and at an emotional time of year.

You sound like you're angry with your partner for the influence they had over you having an abortion?

It's good that he's fulfilling his dream of traveling. What are your dreams? Do you long to have a family? Are you going to be able to achieve that with this partner, in the timescale you want to?

Give yourself time to get over the abortion. It's so hard. Then think about what you want and how you can achieve it.

Lots of love x

PS as someone twice your age - you're very young to be hanging around waiting for someone who's going to be away most of the year, who hadn't shown you much commitment, who you're not married to.

Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time after your abortion/ miscarriage of twins/ triplets. I recall your difficulties in your previous threads, you've had a terrible year. Can I suggest rereading the advice in your last thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3440307-Boyfriend-has-moved-away-how-do-i-cope?pg=4

In your thread from the other week you said you would’ve been having twins but now you’re saying they would’ve been triplets?

Anyway, the advice wont have changed. It sounds as if you’re way more invested in this relationship than you. If he truly was commited to you then he would’ve spoken to you about his travelling plans WAY in advance. Instead he clearly lied. He had them plans made long before he admitted.

You can either stay with this man who isn’t as commited as what you are, someone who is more interested in travelling with a friend than having open and honest communication with you.

Or - you can accept you both want different things and eventually you’ll find somebody who is on the same level as you.

Don’t hang around waiting for a guy who can’t even be honest enough to tell you the truth about his travelling plans

Just a small suggestion....depending on who your provider was for the termination, you may be able to (relatively quickly and easily) access some free of charge professional counselling. It's worth contacting them to enquire.

Sorry you are going through this.

He gave you 4 days notice he was going away? I'd be furious. In what world is that ok?

Have you organised any counselling? I really recommend it. You’ve been through a trauma so you could benefit from talking to somebody.

OP, reading your posts has brought back some memories from over 10 years ago.
I haven't had a termination, but I have 2 children and I have had one miscarriage and I can only imagine how sad and upset you must be feeling. I'm sorry that you are going through all this.
As for your relationship, I was in a similar situation. All those things you mentioned have reminded me of my then relationship. Similar manipulation, selfishness and cruelty. Please, do not waste your life on him. He is not worth it. If he were a decent person, he would have behaved very differently throughout your relationship. I wasted over a year of my life playing my then partner's games after he had left in a similar fashion (we were looking for a flat to move in together a couple of days before he told me that he was leaving).
If I could only go back to your years, I would never ever waste a day of my life on such selfish and manipulative bastard. Even if he were to come back to you and you did get married, it's almost certain that he would make you miserable. Believe us who have been there.
You need to grieve your relationship and losing your babies, get counselling if you can and stop contact with his mum (and him). It will take some time, but you will feel good again. Try to learn from this now and move on, rather than realise where you went wrong in your forties when you are stuck with children, morgage and a selfish twat of a husband. You are young and life is ahead of you, do not let a selfish man lead you astray.

Sorry you felt that guilt/lump in throat feeling watching your sisters - I guess we always tend to make things seem "black and white" as in that moment, you felt as if life is an amazing gift and felt guilty regarding the abortion but life isn't all that pretty always either - for one thing life is not permanent, at best a person gets a long life and dies very old, frail and possibly ill and even between being born and death, there's a lot of stress, problems and unhapiness to get through - some religions do say life is almost like a test/punishment, where only those who do well (i.e are very moral, kind etc) get upgraded to a holy status whereby they don't get reborn into various lives (tests) upon each death.

Also, your loneliness is only a temporary feeling OP - tbh, there's a lot of lonelier people with no one around them today - you have your sisters, parents and a partner (even if he may be far away).

Sorry you are going through this OP. I too had an abortion last year and I was wracked with so much guilt, but I promise you that time really is a healer. As time passes your guilt will lessen. Your only young and would maybe benefit from throwing yourself into something that you are passionate about, spending more time with friends, and healing from the upset you have had lately. Big hugs

@AnnaStudy I've read your previous threads, about his cheating, his moods, you not even meeting his friends in three years, but them then texting and joking about you? He's absolutely, beyond awful. How much worse do things have to get before you get some self respect and get rid?? I do not mean that unkindly! But believe me - this travelling of his? This relationship is over. You should finally take some control and be the one to vocalise that. You've never been a priority to him. You think you will be while living in different countries?

You need a clean slate and maybe some counselling into your low self esteem

I’m sorry you’re hurting but you just don’t want to accept that your bf is a twat. The reality is he didn’t want children and if you had kept them, he would have bailed and deep down and you would have struggled.

Torturing yourself over your decision to prioritise his needs above yours is not going to bring you peace.

Secondly, the ‘sudden’departure wasn’t bad timing, it was a deliberate choice to prioritise himself in your time of need. You joining him is probably his cruel and immature way of appeasing you. He’s not interested in a future with you but not mature or selfless enough, to be honest with you. I suspect he will string you along hoping that you’ll get bored and dump him or, until he gets a more appealing (to him) offer. I

You’re stuck in a fantasy waiting for your happy ever after with a man child. The question isn’t ‘why is he a twat?’ but rather, ‘why am I so desperate to be with someone who I have no future (happy future at least) with’?

Use his absence to your best advantage and get support for why you continue to waste your time and energy on waiting for a better version of this selfish twat to show up.

Prioritising someone who sees you as an option is emotional self harm.

I remember reading your previous thread and you said it was twins

You also said he went travelling with a friend and didn't want to wait for you to go with him he wanted to go off on his own.

I'm sorry this has happened but I think the advice is still the same as your previous threads that you need to move on from him and focus now on the positives in your life and move on. Don't let this get you down