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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just need to tell someone.

24 replies

littlemissmanchet · 25/12/2018 12:50

Hi all. this isn't really a plea for advice but I guess today is turning out to be such a sad day for me I needed to tell someone.

Earlier this year I fell in love with a good friend and colleague of mine, and I squashed those feelings because he is married. Stopped speaking to him much for a while but we are still friends. I have no idea if he knows how I feel or not as obviously I never 'confessed' or did anything daft and never would. I hope I've managed to keep some integrity around it.

I recently found out through a mutual that he is having an emotional affair with a woman who's a 'friend of a friend' kind of thing. I feel like I've been hit by a train, and I don't even really know why. He could never have been mine, but selfishly the fact that he's gone and done it with another woman is also hard and I know that's incredibly stupid and self-centered of me, but there's a part of me that feels like a rejected and broken toy that I can't seem to stamp out.

I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that the feelings will pass. I've been pining away quietly for half the year now, and this on top of it was completely crushing. I feel cold and sick and so very stupid. Hope you're all having a better christmas xx

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 25/12/2018 12:52

What you’ve discovered is that your crush was partly because he was giving out “on the market” signals despite being married, and that he’s not the man you thought he was. It is not a rejection of you, it’s a lucky escape

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 25/12/2018 12:52

They will pass. He's no prize judging by your post.
Feelings happen. It's what you do with them that matters.

Happy Christmas & be kind to yourself x

AnotherEmma · 25/12/2018 12:54

You're too good for him. He's unfaithful and not the person you imagine him to be. Please lick your wounds and move on.

shitwithsugaron · 25/12/2018 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadeForThis · 25/12/2018 13:00

He's not the man you would want him to be. He's cheating on his wife. You had the morals not to act on your feelings. He's a cheat.

Take time to be sad but move on.

MumsyP · 25/12/2018 13:54

Dear OP, you deserve a better man, someone to call your own and you can walk around in public with. Thank goodness you didn't act on your feelings, it's just a crush and the feelings will pass quicker than you think. Do have a Merry Christmas x

IsThisSeeSawTaken · 25/12/2018 18:14

I feel the same as most of the PPs, but wanted to chime in with my support. It’s a sensitive time of year for many people, so I can guess how gut wrenching it was to find out about this. Remember that you haven’t really missed out on anything - he was unavailable to start with. You’ve acted with decorum, and respect for him and yourself. You have also now seen that he probably was willing to stray, and thankfully it doesn’t involve you (so messy). Watch from the sidelines and reaffirm to yourself that you have standards and values, which will see you through many moral challenges.

Wallow a bit then shut this door - you no longer need to ‘hold out’ for him. Merry Christmas @littlemissmanchet and best wishes for the new year. You deserve a good person!

ImNotKitten · 25/12/2018 18:18

He’s a liar and a cheat. You’ve dodged a bullet, and kept your integrity and dignity.

NopeNi · 25/12/2018 18:27

Feeling upset is understandable. It turns out he doesn't miss you, and he wasn't really who you thought he was, he was just looking for a random affair.

Seriously, well done you for absolutely avoiding it all, you have saved yourself a world of heartache.

Keep taking care of yourself - it'll get better

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/12/2018 18:57

These type of people are serial cheats and attention whores.

Think of it this way....When the shit hits the fan (and it inevitably will at some point), at least it won't be you in the firing line as a scapegoat for his fuck ups!

Its not a matter of if but when.....

You've had a lucky escape!

Abi47 · 25/12/2018 19:33

It's difficult. When you fall for someone, whatever the circumstances, you want them to love you back. To find out what you have, is a huge knock for your self esteem. Makes you think what's wrong with me. Try and see this as a positive. I know it's hard. He likes attention. You deseve much better. Try and avoid contact.

Original poster

littlemissmanchet · 25/12/2018 21:20

Thanks all, I know that in reality I've dodged a huge bullet and managed to keep at least some of my self-respect...on the other hand it's trodden my self-esteem into the floor and I've spent a good portion of the day in tears.

OP posts:

funicorn · 25/12/2018 22:08

Your self esteem is based on a cheating liar and not a very good one by the sounds of it ? Move on - do yourself a huge favour !

KataraJean · 25/12/2018 22:20

Your feelings are normal, not only because of the emotional affair you have found out about, but because this man is not who you thought he was.

Christmas Day is hard if you are on your own, so no wonder all your emotions are coming out today. I do not think it should be a big disaster for your self-esteem; if anything it shows your judgement and integrity is spot on so you should be pleased with yourself. Get a good rest and look after yourself

stupidmestupidme · 25/12/2018 22:31

Hugs @littlemissmanchet
I was you, only I didn't act with your integrity & decency & i did get involved with a married man. And it's left me feeling like a dejected teenager. It's shit. I feel so angry - with myself most of all, but also with him. I KNOW he's a cheat & a liar. I HAVE had a lucky escape. But i still feel shit & rejected.
for you & I hope you (we??) feel better soon.

Catren · 25/12/2018 22:44

Totally understand your feelings. But thank goodness it isn't you who he's ended up messing around with, it won't end well. You've kept your integrity by keeping your feelings to yourself, and hopefully this will help you move on. Best of luck OP

Abi47 · 25/12/2018 22:57

Sending OP love. Being tearful and feeling alone is tough. It's hard when you fall for a friend as you automatically feel that they are a good person....even if turns out they are not. Things will get better. Not sure if you still have to work together? Small steps. Minimise contact. Put yourself first

Cheesycheesytwist · 25/12/2018 23:33

You sound like a really lovely person OP, you kept your integrity and self respect. It feels shit now, but nowhere near as shit as it would have felt to have been just another notch on his list. He's not the romantic idyll of the one who got away, he's a cheating wanker who you've had a lucky escape from. You can't see it now but this time next year you will

Sarcelle · 25/12/2018 23:52

You are crying because he is not the person you thought he was. He's a massive player and you did well not to get sucked in. 10 mins to midnight. Have 10 more minutes of wallowing then draw a line under it.

SpiritedLondon · 25/12/2018 23:58

I’m interested to know how the friend knows he’s having an “ emotional affair “ ? That’s one of those terms that’s bandied around on here a lot but unless he’s said he’s emotionally involved with her you’d have no way of knowing.

jessstan2 · 26/12/2018 01:52

I promise you these feelings will pass - yes, they really well.
You've been a good person too, you can't help what goes on in your head sometimes and it was no more than that.

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 07:25

You obviously did a good job of making it clear you wouldn't be up for an affair. Your self esteem should be high. You did the right thing and acted right. You are a good person.

He wants an affair and actually doesn't give a shit who it's with. Nor does he give a shit whose life he ruins.

You can bet that if you had given off the vibe that you would have been up for an affair, you get he would have pursued it. Then what? Your self esteem really would have been battered. Being the OW. Good enough to shag, but not good enough to be a real relationship, not good enough to be a partner, or for him to sort his life out or be a good man. Just somewhere to park his dick when he is bored.

You should have your head held high.

Original poster

littlemissmanchet · 26/12/2018 10:48

spirited He did tell our mutual that he was emotionally involved with her, yes, but they haven't done anything physical so he doesn't really believe it's an affair. She's a 'very special friend' and she calls him 'my love' apparently vomits

I think that's what's worse - they aren't even sleeping together, but he loves her and prefers even her personality to mine, when all I've tried to do is the right thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlemissmanchet · 26/12/2018 19:36

notaclue Well now I'm wondering what if i did. We were in contact a lot while I was going through a difficult time at work and worrying I was going to lose my job, perhaps that did give off signals, you know how clingy you can get when you're vulnerable... but I've always made a point of asking about his wife, to maintain my boundaries and underline the fact that we're friends.

Far more gutted over the emotional content of his affair to be honest, I've heard women are more likely to be upset over that then sex even. And if feel that way I can't imagine his wife's feelings.

OP posts:

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