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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive childhood- Christmas

26 replies

ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 12:03

Does anyone else hate Christmas because they had an abusive childhood.

I have next to no happy childhood memories. Non of the good memories that others may have of Christmas. My mum asks me to spend Xmas with her but a day with her is very difficult. J can't move on from her not protecting my childhood. I am in my childhood bedroom having a cry. All too much already. I want to go home and spend this day alone but I don't want to ruin anyone's day. I hate this and hate pretending I had a great Xmas to friends and coworkers.

OP posts:
TougheningUp · 25/12/2018 14:17

Go home and look after yourself. If anyone's day is ruined by you not being miserable then they have a problem, not you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Believeitornot · 25/12/2018 14:18

Yanbu

I know what you mean with a similar experience as a child.

Make your own memories and reduce contact. I gradually minimised contact with my mum and now we only text.

It’s great.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 25/12/2018 14:22

I hear you OP. V similar here, not abusive but neglectful and lots of shouting, nagging, ignoring, sulking etc. Christmas is hard.

Insomnibrat · 25/12/2018 14:25

Another one checking in, I hear you. And seeing her being the same to the next generation is eye opening and chilling all at the same time.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 14:27

Thank you both for replying Flowers my mum wasn't abusive and she tried to leave my dad but did so too late but i can't seem to let it go. Days where I should be happy are the worst. I'm going to stick it out today but going to be the last Christmas I do so.

OP posts:
Fantasisa · 25/12/2018 14:32

Yes, but I made new Christmas traditions with DH and our DC and that has helped. I don’t know if you have your own family yet but even if not, try and pull away and think about what you could do on December 25 that might make you happier in the future. Flowers

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 14:32

I hope you all have as best a day you can FlowersGin

OP posts:
stabulous · 25/12/2018 14:33

Yeah. This is me. Also trauma later on in adulthood too. I hate it all. I want it to go away. I want to die every year.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 14:33

I don't have children yet but I hope I get the chance to make new memories with them one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 14:34

Stabulous I hear uou. How are you spending this year? It will be over soon x

OP posts:
MyMyMyMy · 25/12/2018 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stabulous · 25/12/2018 14:47

I'm home alone by choice because it's too stressful for me to pretend to care or want to care. Spent the last few days dissociating a lot. I just want it to be over

graphista · 25/12/2018 15:47

I hear you op. There'd be a huge build up then dad would get drunk and find s way to wreck it - but it'd be someone else's fault.

Someone not grateful enough or supposedly having a dirty look on their face or something wrong with the dinner (except there really wasn't).

I'm 46 now and left home many years ago and my stomach still gets in knots about Christmas.

TougheningUp · 25/12/2018 16:56

I asked my children just now what they remember from Christmas day, growing up. They said things like opening presents, having a lovely lunch, and visiting our friends. Then they asked me what I remember. Arguments. Plates of dinner being thrown against the wall. My father shouting "That's going back!" when we didn't play with the presents we'd been given in the way he thought we should.

I am so glad my children have positive memories. It showed me it is possible to turn things around if you have enough help and support. We don't speak to or see my family of origin at all, because they are all so toxic. It's a positive thing, not a negative thing. But it took me a long time to see that.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 17:53

@tougheningup...that's great you have given your children such positive memories. I hope I do the same one day.

I struggle with NC but have tried LC over the last year. I struggle with the guilt as my abusive father is no longer in the pic but I know it hurts my mum that I can't be around her. I can't get past blaming her for not protecting me from him. She's a nice enough woman but I resent that she'll never understand what I went through as a child and how it affects me now. She tried for many years to ignore what had happened and I think the older I'm getting the less I can ignore.

Has anyone done NC with a non abusive parent for these reasons?

OP posts:
ohnonotyetplease · 25/12/2018 18:20

Same. Am feeling your pain. The time of year where you 'should' be having 'a great time' and 'family time' etc. When your family was a mess and still is, it's a pretty crap feeling... Also trying to replace the negative patterns too but it's uphill work sometimes.
Hugs to all - and here's to dear old January in all its grey skied normalness!

TougheningUp · 25/12/2018 18:21

She should have protected you, Chacha. And by ignoring it ever since she's continuing to abuse you.

I don't see her as your "non abusive parent". She's abusive, just as your father was. Abusive in a different way perhaps but she's still abusive.

When I was growing up I always thought my father was the abusive one and that my mother was lovely. Looking back I see that she was manipulative and cruel, just not angry and shouty like he was.

You have to do what you think is best. But don't let her guilt you into maintaining contact if it exposes you to further abuse. You must protect yourself, because she can't be trusted to do it for you.

Napssavelives · 25/12/2018 18:27

Yep . I also struggle. I’m NC with both my parents, both abusive in different ways. Received a text off one today and it’s tipped me over the edge. I feel guilty, like I should be happy and having a lovely time. I have my own family now, but that doesn’t make it any easier, doesn’t take the hurt and memories away. Christmas time for me reminds me of violence, plates throwing, drinking , walking in egg shells and giving evidence against my dad for sexually abusing me. I can’t wait for it to be over

RingThoseChristmasBells · 25/12/2018 18:42

Yes. I am really sad on the lead up to Christmas Day because I have such horrible memories. I do enjoy it now. We are no contact with my abusive parents.
I don't celebrate my birthday as they were always really abusive on that day. I mourn the loss of my childhood and I need to feel the pain of my memories. I feel much better now I don't have to pretend to enjoy it for the sake of my dcs. Also my birth was nothing to celebrate as it has been made clear to me how much my parents didn't want me and how much they hate me and have actively tried to ruin my life and abuse my dcs.
My advice is listen to how you feel. Be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't deserve what happened to you. Do what you feel like doing, not what is expected of you.

MissWilmottsGhost · 25/12/2018 18:44

I'm LC with my DM. She did nothing while i was abused for years by my elder brother. She also refuses to believe any of it happened and thinks I dont like my brother because I'm just mean Hmm

Needless to say, it's caused a lot of strife over the years. I forgive but dont forget.

For a long time I volunteered to work Christmas day so I didn't feel i had to go and share the day with my family. Maybe you could do something like that? If you don't work in a profession that covers the holidays, maybe volunteer? Then you have the legitimate excuse of being busy and can say NO without guilt Grin

Nowadays I have Christmas with DD, DH and his family. We made our own family traditions that DM is not a part of. Sad for her, but she made her choices and can now live with it.

RingThoseChristmasBells · 25/12/2018 18:45

Your Mum did abuse you by doing absolutely nothing to protect you. Have you been to counselling to help you sort out your feelings?

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 18:53

Thank you for your replies. I have left now and I've asked for space. She knows why this is hard for me, I mean I've told her...but she doesn't really know. We're so different she doesn't get it... but I still feel very guilty.

Thankfully the day is almost over.

Thank you everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 25/12/2018 19:10

I've been to councelling I went in total for about 2 years. I think I'd perhaps benefit from seeing someone else but ended up stopping going to mine as I hit a brick wall. I didn't feel she knew what to do with me...and it's was ££££

OP posts:
Upyerbum70 · 25/12/2018 23:22

Glad you left and now getting some space chacha.

Same here. Sadly can’t believe there are so many others that haven’t had that ‘perfect’ Christmas with traditions

Upyerbum70 · 25/12/2018 23:30

Glad you’re getting some space now chacha

Awful to read that so may other people had a shitty childhood involving neglect, poverty and abuse.

I usually can’t wait for the whole thing to be over so I can just plough on.

I have invented a few traditions and nice stuff to do with my DDs. But it’s bloody stressful .

My mum has been staying with us for most of the time to ‘help’ with childcare while I work in my new job - I work shifts. She was supposed to be going to one of my brothers over Xmas and another brother for new year. I was SO looking forward to it just being me and the dds. But the night before she wAs meant to get the train she came down with a nasty sickness bug and has been in bed ever since! So I spent Saturday working and early shift then came home to
Clean up sick. She managed to come downstairs today to sit and watch us eat the dinner is prepared. It wasn’t the Xmas I planned and I’m aching for her to leave as I find her presence oppressive- but that’s due to childhood issues. I’m In counselling too.

Apologies for the essay.

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