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Relationships

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Original poster

Possibly pregnant, am I obliged to tell the father?

40 replies

pregnantvirgin · 25/12/2018 11:00

As the title suggests.

I'm 32, been single years, perfectly happy having fun. I've had a fling with a guy much younger than me for the past few months. It's ended, amicably, and now my period is 2 days late.

I'm on the pill but I know accidents can happen.

I'm visiting my parents this week and they live rurally and I have no car (live in London, no need) so there's no way I can buy a test.

If I am pregnant, am I obliged to tell the father? There's absolutely no way he will want to keep the baby and I feel it's so unfair to put the pressure on him. He's only 21, starting out in his career etc. I could just abort and not ever tell him. But is that the moral thing to do?

Any help so hugely appreciated as I just can't tell anyone about this in real life.

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 25/12/2018 12:03

Well Dont, it very much depends on how OP feels about it. It might make sense for her to keep it secret, afraid it might make the rounds at work, it might make sense to tell the guy, to ‚share the burden‘, financially or otherwise.
The point is that she has no moral obligation imo.

HopeHopity · 25/12/2018 12:19

I say your choice but as someone suggested this might be important if you ever got together in the future

Musti · 25/12/2018 12:38

If you're undecided about keeping the baby then tell him. If you are absolutely sure you want to terminate then don't.

SandyY2K · 26/12/2018 00:50

You don't have to tell him anything if you terminate.

^^That is what I'd do.

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 00:55

Hmm. If you're definitely going to terminate, I wouldn't tell him.

If you want to keep it without dragging him into it, you could just say no when he inevitably asks if it is his baby?

I don't think you have to tell him anything really. Unless you want to.

Yohooo · 26/12/2018 01:23

I think you should not tell him. I don't see that it would do any good. If you needed his support then you should tell him but to tell him just for the sake of it would be unkind. He is an adult but he is still a young adult.

Hopefully you aren't actually pregnant anyway.

BTW. If it ends up being a false alarm then I think you should tell him what happened. At 21 he should be being more careful with his own fertility. If he has casual relationships with people it would be sensible to wear a condom even if the person he is sleeping with is on the pill.

Hogtini · 26/12/2018 01:47

Just do a test first.

user14869556378 · 26/12/2018 04:48

Can you do the test first and if positive come back here for advice? No point doing all this until you even know

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 26/12/2018 06:12

Yes if you are having an abortion then get it done, do not tell him about it and move on. If you decide to keep the baby, then he deserves to know.

Original poster

pregnantvirgin · 26/12/2018 12:38

Went to the shop this morning and under the guise of needing some toiletries bought a test which is very much positive.

Lots of thinking to do. Thanks for all the advice here.

OP posts:

MrsWooster · 26/12/2018 12:43

Good luck op
Whatever you decide, the ultimate decision is yours.

ElonMask · 26/12/2018 13:07

IMO you're not obliged to tell him if you decide to terminate, you are if you decide to keep it.. in the latter case you can take your time I think. The main issues would be whether he would pressure you not to keep it, or whether he would want to try and play the happy family game.

If you decide to have a termination, I wouldn't say you're obliged to tell him, but as a PP said, I don't see why it should fall on you to hide the reality that sex always carries a risk, I don't mean to sound all matronly, but it's an important lesson. I'm not sure what your relationship with him is like now you're not shagging, but would it be that weird telling him ? He must realise this was possible all be it unlikely.

I wouldn't tell him before you have a termination incase he tries to tell your mind.

Cachailleacha · 26/12/2018 13:20

Many people have children at 21, it is not that young. I would make your own decision. You may end up raising the baby alone, or he may change his mind and be ready to step up and co-parent the baby with you.

In the absence of any DV or abuse, if you keep the baby then you should tell him.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 26/12/2018 13:26

Agree with others

If you decide to keep it you need to tell him
If you decide to terminate then I don't see the point in telling him at all, it'll just be loads of extra emotional stuff on top and it won't do anyone any good

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 13:36

How did you feel when you saw it was positive?

My advice is to leave him out of the equation for now - think about what you want for yourself and what you'd want for the child if you continue with the pregnancy. His involvement can't be a factor in case he doesn't want to be involved or he makes promises he can't or won't keep.

I suggest you contact BPAS or Marie Stopes to ask about counselling to help you talk through your options with someone trained and impartial.

There is a Pregnancy Choices section btw if you want to get the thread moved or start a new thread there.

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