Recently been through traumatic divorce and the trauma persists to an extent as ex is not settled and I feel guilt - even though I shouldn’t as his behaviour is what caused the divorce.
I am lonely in a way it has to be said. Busy with three teenage dc and work, but other than that not much.
But ex was my one and only relationship (we were together for 21 years, 22 if you count the awful 9 months spent living in the same house while going through the divorce) and I feel that I have now reverted to that shy always single person. With the added complication that I am not young.
My friend tells me that I should do online dating and that people just meet that way now. I had a look at one site and the rows and rows of faces made me feel 
. What’s that about - like a man supermarket. Not only that, no one looked attractive (not saying that people would be beating a path to my door either). And how can you tell what people are like from a photo. It’s making me wonder about me - am I now asexual - maybe it’s what happens in your late 40s - you just lose interest?
But I am lonely for sure - it would be nice to have a much better relationship than my relationship with my ex. To feel love and affection and be able to talk.
I don’t realise how starved of adult affection I am until someone is very kind to me and I feel like crying.
Then there’s sex - ex is my only ever partner which in itself is probably strange - and I am kind of nun like now. In addition, things with him were difficult for a good few years, so I haven’t been “desired” by anyone for a long long time. So I inhabit this weird asexual plodding along realm. Definitely couldn’t do casual sex.
(Ex obviously has no difficulty in moving on as he got together with someone while we were still living in the same house - and made it really obvious bastard. I don’t know if they are still together.)
Then I look at dating sites and want to run a mile.
Is it over for me ??