Should I go NC with dad? Grandchild related

[QuicknamechangeXmas]

Long story short as best I can. I last saw my DF about six months ago. He had recently moved back nearish to where I live after living a very long way away. He had at that point only seen my DC once (DC was just under a year at this point). There were discussions about being able to see DC more frequently now he lived nearer.

DC's birthday was a few weeks later and although we discussed a gift in advance which was duly received he didn't proactively contact me to wish them a happy birthday. I had a feeling I might have done something to offend him when I last saw him but couldn't put my finger on anything (and neither could my H who was there).

Roll on to Christmas, so 5/6 months, and we have not heard anything from him proactively until he responded, by email, to say he had received his card (a hand made affair). He also said he would not be doing Christmas gifts but instead new year gifts, with no explanation and no cards either.

There is a back story and I don't want to drip feed (this is long enough) but he has not been a good dad to me. Emotional abuse and his mental health have been an issue. I have found out he has told one of my siblings they will get a new year gift, but another sibling has got a gift for Christmas. I feel very upset he was didn't send my DC anything for Christmas (I don't care about anything for me or what is spent). The impression I have offended him somehow, this would not be the first time and this would not be the first time i have been punished for perceived transgressions. But now he is taking this out on my DC, his only grandchild, and I can't allow this to happen. I have not been the best at establishing a relationship with him and DC but I have tried. It's just difficult for me given the history.

The title is simplistic but do I just cut my losses, or is there anything else I should do?

PS name change as I suspect this scenario could be quite outing. Also merry Christmas everyone :)

Could it be he hasnt enough money so by giving some at Christmas and some new year he can manage it

It sounds like he is gameplaying and trying to set you and siblings at odds with one another.

It might be more drama than it's worth to go completely NC but I'd certainly let him do all the running and expect exactly nothing of him.

@Maryjoyce I considered that but if that's the case he could have said something and also all the siblings are adults and 30+ so surely if he can only afford one present he should be getting it for his GC not an adult child (at the expense of GC and other adult children)

@NotTheFordType yes I suppose that's what I meant, not a dramatic announcement, and I personally don't expect anything from him, but I feel like he's using DC to punish me and I guess I didn't think he'd stoop that low

If you go nc with him he cannot play his games, can he? Do you really want such a person in your children's lives???

Doesn't sound like he will bring much to you or your children's lives.

I believe there's a big grey area between normal relationships and no contact at all. Let the pain settle a bit and think what you would like. I have a very restricted relationship with my dad now but because we both do only what we can cope with, we can feel more affectionate within those nice safe boundaries. We speak weekly for about 30 seconds and see each other perhaps twice a year. We manage Christmas and birthday cards but certainly no presents. It removes a lot of stress.

I know you are all right, I guess I just hoped he would be better with his grandchild than he was with me

When ds was two we had dad for Christmas- well about 36 hours of it. Watching my dad 100 yards ahead of ds and me on a 'walk' because he wouldn't match ds's pace or adjust to him in any way, and hearing him talk to ds in really quite an unpleasant way made me think of my own childhood - I suddenly realised it wasn't my fault as s small child that I 'couldn't keep up'. Also my db and I both believed as children that we were completely useless at all sports and physical activity. We're not; we're as good as anyone else and better than many. But my dad had no idea how to support children to learn anything and no interest in trying - I'm luckier than db who got actual 'coaching' from my dad which would have destroyed anyone's confidence. He loves boasting about our sporting achievements but they exist in spite of him.

People are who they are. If they can't see that they got something wrong, they're not going to change.

He doesn’t add any value or joy to your life. The fact that you are letting him in your child’s life when he left you with bad memories just shows how much of a nice person you are. I don’t think he should be allowed any more chances now.

He sounds a very selfish man and so you really want an emotionally abusive person coming in and out of your child’s life? I don’t think he will add anything positive to any of your lives. Hugs

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and taking the time to comment. I've been reading about narcissistic parents and the FOG and I definitely think I'm stuck in a dear obligation guilt cycle. Someone mentioned on another thread 'stealth NC' so no big announcements just no contact and see what happens. So I think I'll go down that route and see if the new year present even materialises.