I have been in a relationship for about 8 years with a man I now believe to be a narcissist.
When I met him he was married but he made it clear he was interested. I knew a lot of his family and had been best friends with 2 of his nieces (1 was daughter of his brother and the other daughter of his sister).
He is a builder and I employed him to do some work on my house at the time. He was very charming, funny and we got on well.
I had heard from my friends that his marriage was not good and I thought that it was his choice if he wanted to leave his marriage. I told him that if we were to have a relationship he would need to be honest with his wife and leave.
His wife found out that something was going on when someone saw us being close in public. When he found out he seemed to totally blame the person who saw us rather than taking responsibility for his actions. I felt this was strange but let it go as he was being so nice and loving.
From then things became more difficult as he had left his wife and was staying with me. He would repeat the cycle of going back to try and make things work and then when they didn't, after a few days or weeks, he would return to me telling me how he couldn't make his marriage work as he loved me and wanted to be with me. I felt guilty for destroying his marriage and felt that I loved him so I accepted him back. From the beginning he was very interested in property and money and told me that he couldn't live in my house which was a small 2 bed terrace (not in the best area). He had built his own bungalow and also had a rental property.
Once he was with me on a more permanent basis I felt that he should contribute to the running costs of the home however he would say things like ' its your house and you'd have to pay them anyway' or I am still paying the council tax on the bungalow. His two properties were paid off according to him so he had minimal bills and a rental income. He would also tell me that people believed I was after him for money. This made me feel reluctant to take anything from him. He would also say that he felt that he was taking money from his children. They were 18 and 14 when we met and are now 26 and 22.
If i insisted on him paying something then he would say I can't afford it and would say 'ill go then' and would go around to family members and turn them against me by telling them I had chucked him out. He even used to go back to the marital home and stay there which he now denies despite the fact that I know 100% thats what he did.
When he had had enough of where he was he would come back to me telling me he loved me and how difficult this all was for him and how its ok for me as Im not losing my kids, home, wife. He did not seem to understand how upsetting it was for me each time he would go or how I would take him back as felt responsible for his predicament.
He would say things like 'I have issues with money from childhood as we ere poor' and other excuses. He was always working however (self employed builder) would deny that he had learnt much money. He was happy for me as a single mother to pay for all the bills and even the food.
When I bought a new house he did do some building work. I bought the materials and we both worked together to do the work. He would use this against me if I asked for a contribution to the monthly bills. This confused me as he had worked hard but so had I and he was benefiting from living in a nicer home.
When i inherited 70k he encouraged me to move to a better house in a better area saying he would help renovate it which he did. Again we both worked on the property which took about 6 months to do. I again continued to pay for all the moving costs, materials and housing bills however the house met his needs more than mine as it had a large garage for his tools and a driveway for his van. I did not have a car so could have stayed in my previous home quite happily and paid off the mortgage. He convinced me to get a better house as it suited him.
In addition to money issues he would also seem uncaring about my feelings. At times I felt depressed and lonely as my relationships with others were suffering. I would tell him I would like friends and he would say ' its normal to just have each other'. W
When my best friend, his niece, returned from working abroad and we rekindled our friendship and wanted to do stuff we had always enjoyed such as swimming, yoga, meditation or even walking he would make comments such as 'why do you want to go swimming, is it to look at men'. He was even unhappy when I got a dog and took it for walks. He told me that I could meet someone whilst walking the dog as I am a chatty person.
My friend and I invited him out with us however he always seemed moody and told me he thought our relationship was suffering since the return of my friend. He also said that because she is single she will be looking for a man when we are out. He was very adamant about this and even went around making up stories like we had booked a weekend away without telling him. This was totally untrue and he later denied saying it.
Things got worse and we had a few arguments. Each time he would pack up and leave. It always upset me that he wouldn't divorce and sort out his finances however if I pushed him into it I was labelled the money grabbing bitch. If he went then I had 'chucked him out'.
Anyway about ten days ago he said he would go andI asked if he would be back like usual. He said no so I asked for the key. I have blocked him after telling him it is totally over. I have ignored him when he knocks on the door and feel I am at a point where I have realised what he is. A narcissist who cannot change.
He is now telling everyone I chucked him out and have made him homeless and how I should let him back in. I have heard that he thinks he should be paid for the work he did on the house (despite living without paying anything for 9 years and saving at least 70k in wages during that time).
I don't feel that I owe him anything despite initially saying that I would give him some money should I sell the property. Since waking up to his narcissism I feel that he should just go and sort his own life out. Between him and his wife they have enough money for them both to live comfortably. I still have a mortgage and a 16 year old to bring up whilst working in a low paid job.
Does anyone have any experience of this type of thing?
Hope this all makes sense
x