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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal behaviour

10 replies

JaneG83 · 24/12/2018 14:19

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable ... I have 2 DDs, 2.5 and 1 year old. It's been a difficult time as they were so close in age, we have no family nearby, I left a job that I absolutely loved and struggled with the isolation of mat leave. We recently decided to move closer to family for support, which I do think was the right decision. However, I am still not feeling like I get the support from my partner that I need ... he is not in any way proactive with DDs. Sure, I can leave them with him and take a break when he is given clear instruction, but he shows no initiative.

Never once has he instigated a day out, even a suggested to take them to the park, only feeds them when I ask him to, in the morning he doesn't dress them unless I lay out the clothes and remind him to do it. If I ask why he didn't dress them, he says 'why didn't you ask me to', 'well you didn't remind me' .. if he forgets to give them in a drink in the day he never apologises, just says 'no, i forgot. It's not a big deal'. It is a big deal to give them a drink if he has them with him all day!? Surely that's a basic requirement of parenting?

I always feel like I'm the person in charge of everything and it is becoming draining. We haven't been on holiday because I have to plan every detail of it - I can't even leave one element up to my partner .. if he is in charge of packing the car he forgets important things (on trips to visit family he has forgotten to pack travel cots and changing bags etc.) We struggle to get along on a personal level because I just don't feel like he pulls his weight and it's made me see him in a different light. I'm sure other fathers are proactive and seem to enjoy time spent with their children - he behaves as if it is all chore.

I feel like I would be much happier without him, but we aren't married and I'm very worried how I would keep a roof over our head - do unmarried partners have any rights in the event of a split, are fathers required to pay something towards accommodation for their children? So sorry for the ramble ... I feel very trapped in a miserable situation. Maybe this is normal and I am just expecting too much.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 24/12/2018 14:55

OP - you are in a very vulnerable place. Why did you give up your job and sacrificed your career while now having financial protection of marriage????
Unmarried, not working mothers have no claim on anything, other than child support. And this is the reason many women get stuck in unhappy situations.
Don’t prolong it anymore.

If I were you - I’d not be moving. Would be going back to work and splitting childcare equally.

Lorddenning1 · 24/12/2018 15:02

Sounds like you have a 3rd child there OP, are you happy?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 15:10

So you are who my ex has ended up with then! (I know it’s not him btw but scarily similar)

He would be responsible for paying child support for his children if you separate. You, in all likelihood, will be responsible for every single other aspect of their up bringing. But you already are it seems. At least with him gone you wouldn’t have a manchild to constantly piss you off and get in your way.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/12/2018 15:10

And no, it’s not normal behaviour.

JaneG83 · 24/12/2018 15:17

MMmomDD, my job was tied to London where we had no family support at all. I wanted to relocate back to be close to family so I have an option to leave him if it comes to it - there was no way I could manage financially as a single parent in London.
I do have a reasonably well paid job now, but with two children of nursery age, so X2 nursery fees, plus the cost of a mortgage I'm not sure I can manage and was just wondering if there was any legal responsibility for the father to support the children in terms of housing. Otherwise I'm looking to just remain in an unhappy relationship for financial reasons - I know that's the way it turns out for some people...

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 24/12/2018 17:00

Hi Op I'm a single mum to 2 and work full time and pay over £900 a month in childcare, I get help with universal credits, otherwise I would not be able to work

Missingstreetlife · 24/12/2018 17:05

How is he going to cope if he has them for visiting contact? will he just fade away if you split? Rather worrying to leave your child with him, some people learn by making mistakes. Seems like he can can't be arsed, did he want these kids?

Missingstreetlife · 24/12/2018 17:07

If you rent and are on low income in U.K. You may get housing benefit

subspace · 24/12/2018 17:12

Not giving your children a drink all day is ridiculously neglectful. He had outsourced all home and life admin to you and is playing the role of poor bemused male. F that. Defo get looking for work and put yield in a better position to kick his ass out.

subspace · 24/12/2018 17:13

If it were me I'd start forgetting to wash him any underwear, forgetting to make him any dinner, forgetting to iron his shirts...

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