Angry middle aged men

[BG2015]

I've been with my DP for just over 4 years and we've lived together for 3.

He's a lovely, kind, caring man. We enjoy the same things and love going to gigs, walking, keeping fit, films and travel. He makes me laugh. He's a good cook and supports me in all I do. He tellls me I'm the love of his life.

We do come from very different backgrounds and upbringings and life hasn't always been easy for him as he's been on his own since his mum died whe he was 18. He's now 53.

My issue is his anger. He gets so angry about stuff. He's angry at life. He gets angry with other drivers, the people who get in his way at the supermarket, the government, Brexit, the news. He's never violent or aggressive but verbally gets so frustrated and angry.

He's just got the spare table out of the garage and I could hear him swearing and cursing because he had to move stuff around and it fell plus there's a bike in there of my sons friend and he got all worked up about that.

He could tell I wasnt Impressed. I think he needs to talk to someone about this but I know he wouldn't go for counselling.

It's horrible listening to someone rant and rave out loud. I get annoyed and angry about stuff but internalise a lot of it as much of it isn't out of my control.

I don't want this to split us up!

I really struggle to deal with "angry" people. They stress me out and make me feel tense. I dated someone like that but, while it wasn't the whole reason we split, it didn't help. I'm quite a chilled person so I always struggle to see how getting so wound up is actually helpful to anyone. Least of all the person getting wound up! Have you tried talking to him about this? I'd say that has to be the first step. You have many positive things to say about him so lead in with that.

Has he been this way since you met him or has it got worse? I think people's characteristics become more exaggerated with age, so he was probably easily frustrated and angry as a younger man as well. Perhaps it's partly his nature and partly unresolved issues.

My DH is 54 and laid-back to a fault. On the other hand, I work with a man of 50 who constantly rants about everything, and if he's not ranting he's muttering. The slightest thing will set him off. You'd swear that Microsoft's mission statement was to annoy him. It's got to the point where I'm going to ask my manager if I can move. My dad is much the same: he always was prone to temper tantrums and in old age has become a bitter miserable old man. So be aware that your partner is likely to get worse not better.

We appear to be married to the same man OP. I once taped my husband whilst I was out and he does it to himself too, not just when I am there. It’s venting in general but it does feel as if it’s ‘at me’. It is very very wearing!!

Thanks for your replies.

He has got worse. I'm quite even tempered and lots of stuff goes over my head. The things that annoy him just don't bother me at all.

It's as though he thinks the world is against him personally. I have tried to talk to him about it before, he knows he has an issue.

The problem is.....what does he do about it?

DH does this but it causes stress in me eg drops something whilst putting things away, cue noisy swearing session , I can't stand it, we are getting on a bit and the number of people of our acquaintance who are seriously ill, dead, have debilitating illness etc and he can't be thankful for what he has but instead is angry because he isn't as fit and able as 20 years ago..... they really need an attitude change.
Upshot is I avoid his company.

Therapy, probably for quite a long stint, could help

I have been known to lose my rag with inanimate objects if they misbehave - this morning I opened a cupboard and an open bag of pasta rained down on me and I had a proper temper tantrum at the pasta, the cupboard, the floor. I would have been swearing and cursing moving a table from the garage too. But I'm not aggressive and I'm relatively inoffensive outside the house - I'm the person who apologises to your shopping trolley when I bump into it.

Unless your DH is shouting and yelling at strangers and picking fights with people, then he just needs to internalise his ranting. If he is getting ridiculously enraged about minor stuff, then maybe some anger management might be worth considering.

My ex is like this, he'd have the same reaction to dropping a tea spoon on the floor as having a flat tyre. It was so incredibly stressful, the whole mood would shift.

My DH is like this. We’ve spoken at length about it as it makes me unease and I don’t think either the kids or me should listen to him huffing when another driver does something when we’re driving somewhere. He’s working really hard to try and improve it.

Wow! This could be me writing this! It's so frustrating, I feel like my DH sucks the joy out of everything!

Watching with interest

No he doesn't shout at strangers. I'm the person that hears the moaning mostly. I ignore a lot of it but sometimes it really gets on my nerves.

I second therapy. (I seem to advocate a lot of therapy - but then there are a lot of untreated people on MN Talk.)

I find it very stressful being around people like this - perhaps because of my father's behaviour and how it affected me as a child. I suffer from anxiety generally, and can't be dealing with other people's anger issues. It does seem to become more prevalent in middle-aged men. Is it because they're not as physically fit as they use to be, less able to do things, careers have levelled out and they're never likely to achieve what they had once hoped?

Whatever the cause, it's bloody selfish to vent without consideration for those you live with. I have times, as do we all, when I'm extremely irritable (thanks menopause!) but I've learned coping mechanisms. Deep breathing, stepping away from stressful situations etc

If your partner won't go to a therapist perhaps he might consider meditation or CBT (you can get online courses) to bring the anger levels down.

I have been known to lose my rag with inanimate objects if they misbehave - this morning I opened a cupboard and an open bag of pasta rained down on me and I had a proper temper tantrum at the pasta, the cupboard, the floor. I would have been swearing and cursing moving a table from the garage too. But I'm not aggressive and I'm relatively inoffensive outside the house - I'm the person who apologises to your shopping trolley when I bump into it.

I grew up in a household where my father was like this. It was awful. Absolutely horrible. I was on tenterhooks all the time. Never knew when he’d kick off.

I wouldn’t be able to live with someone like this, or like your DP OP. Someone near to you getting aggressive and kicking off raises your own stress levels too. It can ruin your mood, set you on edge, upset you, frighten you. Over time you’ll find you’re walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next thing that they’ll explode over. I mean, everyone gets a bit huffy at some things. But having a rage over pasta falling out of a cupboard and going everywhere, swearing, tantrumming at whatever is nearby, that’s not normal behaviour, and unless you live alone it’s not fair on those around you who have to witness a grown adult losing their shit over minor annoyances we all have to cope with.

OP, he obviously doesn’t want to change, or he would be doing what he can to try and change. I suspect you either have to accept that this is part of his package, or walk away. If you presume he won’t change, do you imagine still wanting to and being able to be with him?

It’s emotionally abusive to regularly be this way around kids too, letting it go unchecked. It does a real number on the mental health and emotional safety of children to be in a household where one of the members can’t be trusted not to explode into a rage or be aggressive or kick off at the drop of a hat. Those of us who’ve lived it can attest to that.

Totally agree with VietnameseCrispyFish Being around people like this on a regular basis messes with your head.

Are you with my DP? He is the same, driving is the worst though as he actually rants the whole damn drive about something or another!

I suspect that it's not that he's got worse, it's that you're now finally getting to know the real him. I'm sure he's well aware that his temper isn't an attractive trait and so he toned it down in the early part of your relationship, but now he's getting comfortable and ta dah! This is the real him. He's 53, so I doubt this is a new thing - chances are he's always been like this.

What can you/he do? I think you have to make it clear that you can't live with someone who is constantly seething and insist that he attends an anger management course. If he refuses then you have a choice to make - either you can live with him like this, or you can't. But if you can't that means you need to walk away from this relationship. I'd make that clear when you talk to him - that it's his nasty temper or it's you - and let him decide which it's to be.

It's definitely a conversation we need to have in the New Year. We both have older teens so no young children about. Both my children really like him.

I love him to bits and he's great company but just occasionally I just wonder whether I can live with him and his anger for things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

My mother is like this; my father was too, to some extent. Growing up, this set a real expectation in me that it was totally ok to show temper and frustration and be miserable in this way. An expectation that was swiftly knocked out of me when I started flat-sharing and drove people nuts! I might swear a little under my breath, but I generally just let things pass me by these days. I even dropped an omelette on the kitchen floor last week with nothing but an 'oh no!'

My mother is on the cusp of old age now. I speak to her every day and it's just a long list of moans and frustration, like she believes the world is against her. It seems to bother her just as much if she puts her finger through a bin bag liner as if her arthritic joints are playing her up. I asked her gently to tone it down as it leaves me incredibly stressed after talking to her.

His anger may damage his health. That much rage and frustration isn't good for you. Something like mindfulness might help him to re-frame how he feels about life.

My husband can be like this. He certainly was worse for a few years (I think male menopause) but is better now a few years on. i just grin and bear it. We all have idiosyncrasies. I'll admit it does bring you down but otherwise he's great. And he has got better as the testosterone has abated I think.

My Dh can be like this. He’s had a lot of therapy and it has really helped.
He had a horrible childhood and he managed to make himself believe it hadn’t affected him, but once Dds left home and he had more time to reflect, he got a lot worse. I gave him an ultimatum, therapy or seperation He went for therapy without hesitation.
He can still be like it if he is stressed but I can quietly say something along the lines of “you’re being a knob, stop it”. If I’d said that before the therapy he’d have got more annoyed, so it’s definetly worked for him.

I would find this difficult.
I don't like being around people who are highly stung or become angry easily. It puts me on edge. And affects my own mood.
Couldn't live my life with someone like that. Therapy might help?

I'm not sure I could put up with that. My dad was similar and it really made me on edge a lot. Maybe ask why he is angry and see if he'd get counselling or something.

It’s completely unacceptable.

You can say to him that although you acknowldedgr that not everyone can stay cool under fire, he needs to demonstrate some resilience against the small things in life. He will need to grow up and use any means necessary to deal with this poor behaviour. He is not a toddler and is old enough to get perspective. Yoga, counselling, active management and self-awareness. Whatever, but change or continue to embarrass himself and live a weaker life.