I've Messed Up

[AnnoyMyself]

Not sure what I expect from this thread but I've been awake half the night worrying which happens a lot.

Basically, 10 years ago I met my DH and was pregnant 5 months later. I was getting on a bit ie 36 (had split up from someone who I thought I would have kids with) and was panicking about not having children.

10 years on and we have 2 beautiful children which I am forever grateful for. However my marriage is not that great. He's a good person but there's no spark. We enjoy watching TV at night together but ultimately I'm ashamed to say I'm bored.

I don't know what to do, I am so grateful for our children and am very lucky to have them. I would hate to break up the family unit. I guess I should just live with it as the alternative could be worse.

Anyone have a similar setup or is it just me ?

I think it's normal for feelings to change the longer you spend with somebody. How about counselling or seeing if you can reignite the spark?

Read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson?

Thanks for your response subspace. The trouble is that I didn't know him enough when we decided to have children. We have different outlooks that has become apparent. For example, we have little money, I've recently got a new job but he's not ambitious which frustrates me.

Lolrolomolo I haven't heard of that book. I will research it if you think it would help. I would have to do this secretly as he seems to accept the way we are

You've not messed up.

People with different outlooks can be very happy together. That book sounds good.

Counselling if you can is highly likely to help

Exactly the same boat here. It's soul destroying but I haven't got the guts:money or inclination to upset kids to leave . I'm just accepting this life for the shitstorm it is while he is blissfully unaware so at least one of us is happy

It's interesting that different outlooks can work Buckeejit I hope I can become more appreciative of his outlook.

Cadoth is it your plan to accept it forever? I really really try to get on with life and make the most of it. Count my blessings etc etc but then wake up for 3 hours in the night and stress myself out cos of how dissatisfied I am

The grass is not always greener OP, what is it you ultimately want?

@AnnoyMyself I can't face it forever no , I'm waiting for kids to leave and then it'll be crunch time , I suppose I love him deep down, and it's not helping that my head has been turned recently (which is another thread altogether) but for now yes this is how it is ... I'm sorry u also feel like this , it's a bit shit isn't it , and I lie awake for hours most nights too

Annoymyself..not quite a similar setup..but I’ve been with my husband ten years.
No kids together but grown up kids and grandkids from previous marriage.

We sit in companionable silence most nights...and it’s lovely..we are mid to late 60s ...eeek
So I get where you are coming from.
What I’m trying to say is don’t chuck the baby out with the bathwater...
If you’ve got a good man there...see how you can rekindle that spark.

I often think 10 years is the stage in relationships where dissatisfaction grows.
It could be solvable however.

Ex was highly ambitious and after a previous relationship with a lower achiever that was very attractive. However after a while the downsides emerge..he would always put work before anything/one else and that made it difficult for me to have an equal career.

Do you feel your dh has your back? Do you laugh together? I recall a friend talking about her "difficult" husband but they also laughed often and I realised that was also missing in my life. Some things we can compromise on others we shouldn't (abuse).

You say you are bored. What do you think could make that different? What do you want to do that's more interesting?

This is why so many people in this age group have affairs.
Paired up in 30s, driven by a strong biological imperative to have children. And by the time kids aren’t as dependent on the parents - you wake up and realise that you and your partner aren’t that well matched. And you aren’t happy.

People deal with it in different ways.
Some just plough on, suppress their unhappiness, get mildly depressed and live their lives that way, until numbness sets in as a permanent state.

Others quietly wait till kids grow up, and then leave.

Few others have affairs. Either to make it easier to wait for kids to grow up. OR they have an exit affair - to give themselves strength to go.

Sorry - no outcome is a happy one.

Did you ever have a spark?

If it was there; you might be able to get it back. It may well take considerable effort...but it would be worth it to try; to be happy. That will be easier now then when you've met someone who has turned your head.

If you didn't, and you settled really to be able to have kids, it's harder. You might not be able to create a spark where there never was one, however much you want one. In that case, you have to consider whether the decision you made was right then and whether it continues to be right now. My instinct is that I'd try and make things the best they could be, but I wouldn't want anyone to be with me just because we had kids if they didn't love me and want to be with me, so it goes both ways. There's no one answer here.

I hope you find a way forward.

Sorry for the delay in responding. I've been out for the afternoon.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond.

Lorddenning1 You're right that grass isn't always greener. I just want to feel fulfilled but I'm not sure how. I think I struggle with the normal day to day life and crave excitement.

Cadoth no sleepless nights are certainly not great. I'm sorry you're struggling too. I'm interested in your head turning situation though.

Dowser I think that's the problem though, I don't find it lovely but then I wonder whether I just need to relax a bit. Glad you're having a lovely time though. There's hope for me

Flowers for you. It is hard. I think lts a long time to be with someone wheb life just gets in the way we end up plodding along and the spark goes.

Can you have date nights?
Get out and have some hobbies?

Just change up from the day to day routine?

@lifebegins50 wise words thanks. My ex was a high achiever and now lives in a massive house down the road with his family. However when we were together it was work, work work and sleep (to recover from all the work) and I was so pissed off with it that I finished it. My DH is very interested in me, definitely has my back. I'm not sure that we laugh much though. Maybe we need to look at that. Maybe there lies the problem.

I've been with my husband 10 years. We got together for pretty much the same reason. We have a very mundane existance both going to work, coming home, not talking, doing the kids stuff, not talking.
But when it comes to the crunch, we rely on each other, we need each other and we do enjoy each others company when we are free of stress.
It is always tempting to find somebody new. To leave and find a spark. But it probably would end up the same in another ten years. It's not just you at all I think that is the duration of an intimate relationship.

Thanks for your responses and apologies that it has taken so long to get back to the thread. Xmas and New Year have been very busy (as a result of me planning loads).

user14869556378 I'm not sure what can make things better. I have a lot to work on tbh. I've realised that I was brought up by my mum with the Cinderella complex thinking my Prince will come and save me. This has done me no favours at all. I think it's time (hopefully not too late) to think about what actually makes ME happy.

AnchorDownDeepBreath I don't think there was a massive spark tbh. More of a right time type situation.

tinselandtrimmings that's exactly my thinking. I'll split up with DH meet someone new (possibly???) then feel as miserable as I do now.