How can I stop her making this contact

[ContactDilemma]

We have been nc with my mum for 8 years. I'm not getting into specifics but her actions/decisions elicited police involvement; a safeguarding alert; an Initial Assessment and an agreement that the case would be closed as long as there was no further contact. Any further contact would, rightly, have resulted in a S47 enquiry (Child Protection Core Assessment). So we're not talking about a spat that got out of hand.

She still sends my children Christmas and birthday cards every year she isn't supposed to (no direct or indirect contact) and has been asked not to. My children know they are sent; have no interest in them; the cheques they contain don't get banked and the cards don't get displayed. They are of an age now where this is their personal choice as much as anything.

She generally posts them but this, and occasionally previous, Christmases (and birthdays), she has hand delivered them.

My issue is that, not only is this unwelcome contact she is not supposed to be making but I do not want her at my house. I don't want her at my door. I don't want myself, or anyone else, to risk opening the front door and see her arriving or leaving. I don't want to feel like we need to keep the curtains closed in early evening when it's darker in case she walks up the driveway and can see inside. It disturbs our mental/emotional peace and feels very intrusive. It's a blatant control/disregard of boundaries etc (which is essentially why we are no contact in the first place).

Is there anything I can do?

Could you seek a restraining order? I don’t know the legal ins and outs, but if she’s flouting SS instructions and you’re feeling intimidated there must be something they can do.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

A bit extreme but move house.

You can go to the police and ask for the case to be reopened! She’s obviously hoping to find a crack that she can wiggle through and insinuate herself back in your lives.

I don't know, mimi.

I could ask them to have a word, maybe. It's all 'done and dusted' now so no further police involvement - it's hard to say without giving details! But it might be worth going down there and asking for advice. I hadn't really thought of that.

The thing is, only one of my children is young enough now to be covered by Child Protection but no one wants the contact and would prefer her to leave us alone. As the eldest says, "if she's the sort of person I needed to be protected from as a child, she's not the sort of person I want in my life now".

I'm not sure it would meet the criteria for a restraining order. I don't know anything about them.

Moving house - believe me, I would if it were anything like an option! .

Just thinking, if I spoke to the police would they be able to 'have a word' with her?

I've had a quick look online and don't really want to go to court over this and advice I've read is for breaches of the Equality Act or injuctions etc relating to DV.

I just think the level of unwelcome contact is so low but it's predictable and regular - if not frequent.

If this is a continuous threat the police are able to issue an harassment warning ( if they consider it to be harassment)
This in itself can be enough to frighten a person into not making further contact as it can, if breached, lead to a court ordered harassment order
If I was you I'd speak with the police and ask if this is a possibility

Most forces don't issue harassment warnings now or PINS as they are known in some forces, they go straight for arrest now, plus it needs to be a continued course of conduct over a relatively short period of time, so 2 or 3 contacts a year probably wouldn't qualify, and although the behaviour described is distressing i would say the Police will tell you it doesn't fit the offence. Seek legal advice from a solicitor.

Definitely get police advice. If she's not supposed to be doing it, there ought to be something that can be done.

Thanks, Sforsh that's useful to know and I agree that it probably wouldn't meet the criteria.

I'll go and have a chat...

When I had an ex that came round uninvited I was reluctant to call the police after he left. But I did, and they did visit and told him to stay away.

Nothing formal, no emergency.

It worked.

Does she put a return address on the cards?
If so I would just send them back with not at this address on them, so maybe she things you've moved.

She's been told not to make contact. She has been hand delivering mail to you. Surely that's breaching the order?

I'm guessing you feel guilty if you were to get the police involved? I have a similar mother, who just keeps popping up her unwanted head, harassing friends and family on Facebook etc.

Everything about my logical brain says take it further, because it is harassment. However saying and doing are two very different things.

I hope you find the strength to have a chat with the police because honestly this is where it's at right now.

100% sympathise and hope you get it sorted OP

I'm sure if you spoke to your local community support officer, they would be able to advise you on this. She's intruding on your life, and breaching a no contact order. A word from the police might be enough to stop her.