Thank you to all of you that responded to my thread back in August. Basically I was in an abusive marriage. I left and am now going through a traumatic divorce. It’s Christmas Eve and I’m fretting so thought I’d reach out and get opinions...
Shortly after leaving my marriage I met a guy. He seemed shy and he spoke to me kindly. I could tell when he looked at me that he was infatuated. I tentatively got involved but now constantly feel rejected and unloved.
He has a council flat (nothing wrong with that) but he had no furniture or carpets. I’d got a little nest egg and I insisted on helping him out. I felt sorry for him and considered us a team so I kitted him out. At this point I noticed he started telling little lies and would make excuses not to see me. It transpired that he smokes marijuana heavily- several times a day and was trying to hide it. Initially that was a dealbreaker but I’ve slowly started to adapt to his lifestyle.
He seems to have mood swings; when he’s happy I feel great but then he gets down and goes quiet. He always seems to be ill and although he works, he’s unreliable. He never has any money and I’ve paid lots of bailiffs off on his behalf.
Problem is I adore this guy. He’ll make me breakfast in bed and is consistent in his communication. He goes to the pub at weekends and even if I’m poorly he won’t change his plans. I’ll go to his place and wait up for him. He is not controlling and he encourages me to go out and enjoy myself with friends- that’s lovely but I’m not into that and would much prefer to just be with him. I actually feel sometimes that he simply doesn’t want me round all the time.
He is very guarded and has been cheated on in the past. He’s 37 and his longest relationship is two years. Whenever I go to his flat I clean up for him because to be honest he lives in squalor. He can be loving and will always ask if I need anything. His friends have all said he’s besotted with me but he only tends to open up with me when he’s drunk. He doesn’t drive and is happy watching sports and getting stoned in his spare time.
So what’s my problem? Well my parents think he’s bad for me. I haven’t got any savings left now. He knows this and has offered to help me out instead.
He has no family and his mum died- she had bipolar. I suspect he struggles with his own issues. He has no one close in his life (he only had a Birthday card from me) but he says it doesn’t bother him. I feel totally confused because he doesn’t show me how he feels. I ask him outright and say I don’t feel very loved and he apologises, blushes and reiterates that he finds it difficult to talk about emotions. Superficially we get on great but I feel there’s a lack of emotional connection. He lets me lead the relationship and has said we can go whatever pace I want. That’s nice but I doubt his authenticity. I seem to be doing the chasing, though if I pull back then he soon starts pursuing me.
I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I’m forever analysing his words because of the abuse I’ve suffered in the past.
Should I end the relationship? Please help!!