Advice needed - conflicting feelings about my manager

[itsabee]

Hi,
I have found myself in a situation with my manager and I'm not sure if I'm imaging it or not. I have a three year old, I'm single, in my thirties and my flirting radar is way out of date! My closest friends are also work colleagues and I can't talk to them about this.

My manager and I started working together just over a year ago and hit it off immediately, we work really well together and have a laugh too. He's married with three kids ranging from 3 to 7 years old. He's ten years older than me but constantly jokes about him being old and me being very young. He praises my work and my abilities all the time and tells others that I am great. He openly says he would be lost without me and treats me more like an equal, discussing everything with me.

He used to text me after work about random stuff and phone when he was out of the office, even when he didn't have much to say just to "check in". We have a lot of meetings, just the two of us and work late a lot. I say work, but a lot of the time we just get caught up talking about stuff - work related, after 5pm and the time just flies. We have lunch together and take turns paying. Others used to joke about him having a crush on me and I always laughed it off. I recognised that we were friendlier than most others were with their managers but it still felt entirely platonic.

A month ago I met his wife. I had spoken to her on the phone once or twice before, she knew my name on the phone so he had clearly mentioned me to her. When we met I tried to be friendly but she was quite stiff. He wasn't there at the time but it was him who had asked her to drop something off with me. The following day we were in the same place again and he had an opportunity to introduce us but didn't. I'm not quite sure what to make of that.

Since then I have noticed a change in his behaviour. He doesn't text out of hours anymore or stop me to talk after 5pm. She doesn't call the office anymore.

I'm confused by his behaviour and more confused by how its made me feel. I miss how things were. Things suddenly feel strange, I don't understand why he wouldn't introduce me to his wife or why things have changed. Can anyone offer any advice on why his behaviour has changed?

"My manager and I started working together just over a year ago and hit it off immediately, we work really well together and have a laugh too. He's married with three kids ranging from 3 to 7 years old. He's ten years older than me but constantly jokes about him being old and me being very young. He praises my work and my abilities all the time and tells others that I am great. He openly says he would be lost without me and treats me more like an equal, discussing everything with me."

That bit I don't see a problem with, I am similar with my manager who is also male.

"He used to text me after work about random stuff and phone when he was out of the office, even when he didn't have much to say just to "check in". We have a lot of meetings, just the two of us and work late a lot. I say work, but a lot of the time we just get caught up talking about stuff - work related, after 5pm and the time just flies."*
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This is the issue, no need to text about 'random stuff' no need to phone to 'check in.' No need to have lots of working late together where time flies, when from his wife's perspective she's being left to put 3 kids to bed by herself. Doesn't matter if he was or wasn't flirting I'd be pissed off if my husband was staying later than he needed to at work because 'time just flies' talking about random crap with someone. Doesn't matter if they were male or female.

Since then I have noticed a change in his behaviour. He doesn't text out of hours anymore or stop me to talk after 5pm. She doesn't call the office anymore.
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Sounds likes she's told him to stop being a selfish twat and he's listened. Maybe she doesn't need to call the office anymore because previously it was to check what time he would be home that night?*

I'm confused by his behaviour and more confused by how its made me feel. I miss how things were.
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So you liked how much he was contacting you/staying late spending time with you etc and now you don't have that you miss it. Sorry but he's clearly made the choice to behave more professionally and put his family first. You should respect that. You can miss it as a friend or as something more but you have to accept that things are different now.
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I don't understand why he wouldn't introduce me to his wife
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Maybe she did feel like things crossed a line and is pissed off with you - I would be to be honest. Maybe he used you as an excuse, as in so and so is keeping me at work late, and he doesn't want you to tell her it was a 50:50 thing.

At the end of the day you may have seen this as a purely professional relationship. I don't think you did otherwise you wouldn't 'miss it' and you wouldn't be so worried about his wife's attitude and opinions. I feel like you want her to be upset because it confirms he has feeling for you and you'd like that to be the case. Maybe he does or maybe he doesn't but at the end of the day he's clearly made his choice and now you just need to get on with it.*
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Bold fail 🤦‍♀️

I think its sexism, but i think ultimately his wife got fed up of hearing your name and sensing how much her husband likes you has put the brakes on it. Annoying and yeah, its much safer working for women because theres so much less bullshit and working out whats a boundary etc.
I dont think youve done anything wrong, but as the woman, youll sure get the blame for it all

He presumably manages everyone else without needing after hours chats and checking in, so it shouldn't be any different with you. You need to accept that the current status quo isn't going to change and think about how to address the bit that affects your work. If the problem is that he's not communicating information to you that you need, think about timetabling, say, a quick briefing meeting every morning with him and anyone else who might be affected; or a similar telephone conference call; or arranging something online where he and anyone else can note down information that other people need; or an email system - basically, whatever works for you that is not long chats after work.

I'm sorry but in your original post, you state how you were very friendly, he'd text you out of hours to chit chat even if he didn't have something to say and you were so friendly with each other than others in the office commented on the possibility of him having feelings.
In all subsequent posts, you're backtracking and saying that it was only talk about work things and you're not really that close.

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. It sounds like you are fully aware of how inappropriate it is so are trying to minimise it.

You knew exactly what was going on...you actively encouraged it and you have been now quite rightly been put in your subordinate place. Best accept it, and oh....maybe grow up just a bit.

You are a piece of work OP!
I stopped trying to explain things to people like you and to try and make them understand as they prefer to be self-deluded.
And I bet you would be annoyed if you were in his wife's shoes.

She's his wife. You're merely a subordinate. Get over yourself and get on with your job.

It sounds like you both fancied each other and now he's had to dial it back you miss all the flirting.

There was no flirting, from my side at least and as far as I noticed not from him either but I will admit to be a little out of touch with stuff like that.

I thought I could get some unbiased advice here but you've all jumped to the same conclusions as people at work. There is nothing sexual about our relationship. I don't want him, I don't want any man - I'm attracted to women. I don't broadcast this and my work friends don't know.

Of course people jump to those conclusions - you knew that was the impression you were creating already, from the remarks you were getting at work. It's a closer relationship than normal and it got noticed. And it's obviously made the wife feel threatened.

If you're not out, then people assume heterosexuality. It may not be right, but that's the reality.

Seriously OP...are you serious? You surely must realise that that statement could be construed as disingenuous and made to suit the situation. And actually, irrespective of your sexuality.....you still played along etc etc....again....know your place in the office. You aint that special...the company won't fold if you manage to hold meetings and phone calls within the 9-5 perameters. Accept that you are just a very irrelevant cog in a bigger machine. Gay or other wise. You're dumped.

But if it's leading to me appearing to be less efficient than I was and our boss has already commented then I am afraid that it's going to affect my job longterm. I have been doing really well and I don't want my progression to be affected because of a misconception - either his or anyone elses!

This is a wind up? Right? No one on the planet could be as stupid as you.

Scam? Daily Mail?

You're feeling picked on Op. Let's look at it from the other angle. You had a difficult manager who you still managed to work under, you can manage this new dynamic after a period of adjustment. If he is good at his job he won't fail to let you know what you need to.

As your first post says this has been a close relationship, obviously close to work colleagues, and it appears to have affected his home life. How much worse would it be if he had kept up the unnecessary checking in texts and the staying late stuff when it was causing a problem. By him putting in more boundaries and taking a step back he has probably saved your job enjoyment and working relationship longer term. If he didn't how long before someone disgruntled at work called favouritism or his wife demanded he change job?

You may well of over stepped the boundaries because of the enjoyment of finally having a manager you liked. You may not have had a crush but people obviously think there is some deeper feelings going on. That impression is not good in a work place, this new working regime will stop that and be ultimately better for all.

So in this day and age why not just tell your manager you are gay . Then he can tell his wife . Problem solved?

I think you are in la la land. It's so easy these days to confuse praising and encouraging with flirting. I would be stiff with you if you had been messaging my dh after work, regardless of whether he started it or not.
You can't expect to flirt and be over friendly then expect be pally with his wife.
I think you are digging yourself into a hole and you need to stay on professional terms from now on.

I actually can't believe you're being blamed for this, when in reality you have done nothing wrong. Even if he did fancy you, how is that your fault? Youre not the one who's married or made vows, if anything he's the one who has over stepped the boundaries not you. Why is it always the single woman that's to blame? Like you can't help yourself with a married man. If a man is married and as a wife you cant trust him to be friends with a single woman it says more about their marriage then it does about you.

I think at the point people started joking about the manager having a crush on the OP, alarm bells should have rung with her and she should have drawn some professional boundaries. Because you wouldn't want it to get to the stage where you need to rebuff advances or where colleagues are gossiping about you.

People are saying that no one is blaming the man. However, it takes two to tango.
This thread is confusing and misleading because the OP keeps coming back with different excuses. And not sticking with the original story. Which makes me wonder if it's someone genuine writing it.