How do you turn off that bit of your head that thinks you should be in a relationship

[unexpectednewstart]

I'm approaching my first Christmas as a single mum with two very small kids. I know deep down that it will be a long time till I can be in a relationship again, I need to recover from my marriage breakdown, my kids take all my energy and a potential partner would have to be f**king amazing to be worth time away from my kids/be introduced into their lives at some point. BUT I keep dwelling on being alone. How do I turn that bit of my head off and just enjoy my kids? I feel so socially conditioned that I need a partner and it's depressing to think that it's several years till I could even consider dating.

Hi @unexpectednewstart
I know exactly how you feel. Ive been on my own for 6 yrs now (2 kids, nc with exh). I go through phases of wanting desperately to be with someone, then really enjoying it just being the 3 of us. I'd love to have a 'fwb' arrangement that actually worked, however having tried it once it was a disaster.
I don't know what the answer is... but my kids are happy, rounded & secure. And nothing could be better than that!

I think it's just acceptance that you are going to feel you want someone at times. Ride the wave of it, and you'll get through the other end. Whenever you feel like that, focus on all the positives in your life right now and how happy you are with the way things are.

When I feel like that, I just remind myself there is no rush. Then I remind myself of all the things I am grateful for and how nice it is not to be under the thumb of an abusive man child.

Thank you for your words ladies, I think you're all very right.

@stupidmestupidme
I feel like I'll be in your position in six years time. To meet someone before then would be too much of a sacrifice of energy and time away from my kids. I'm mid 30s and starting to look forward to my 40s and beyond. I need to stop wishing my life away.

@thisusernameisrubbish
You're probably right. The urge for a partner isn't likely to go away completely. I just find it particularly hard this time of year because I'm seeing so many good (at least superficially) dads and husbands about and I feel so sad that he's not here/isn't the person I thought he was.

@pissedonatrain
Yes definitely with you on the no rush. I have my kids so no biological clock to worry about.

Hope you all have lovely Christmases with your kids.

I've been on my own as a single parent for 11 years. I know I'm happier single and enjoy it just being the two of us without someone else to please.

When people tell me or hint at the fact that I should find someone else I just think they've been brainwashed or haven't thought too much about how everyone is different. Some people prefer being on their own. I'm asexual so it would be nearly impossible for me to find someone compatible. You wouldn't tell a lesbian she needs a man, it would be rude. Some people just don't think before they speak. I ignore those people. I'm not brainwashed enough to think I need a partner.

I would like to meet someone but with4 children its impossible. Realistically i am
not ready for a
relationship so just keep telling
myself that.

Meh. Date if you want. It's allowed. I've dated with small kids, but then I'm widowed not divorced so don't have those same relationship scars. Just have strong boundaries

Be menopausal, you don't give a shit about men after the menopause its great.
But I feel your pain, I was in that position once and went through a period of being lonely. Just choose well, don't go out with anyone just to not be lonely, you deserve someone nice.

I don’t know if it’s possible to turn that part of the brain off. You can distract yourself and live your best life, but at the end of the day if you really want a partner then that’s very hard to deny. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things by recognising that you’re not ready to date again yet.