Is anybody here no contact with parent(s)?

[Teeandee]

I've made the decision to cut all contact with my DM for the sake of my DC and my sanity. I was wondering if anybody else here has had to do the same with a parent or both parents? Did you find it easy, or regret it? Is your life better now?

She's pretty much the only family I have other than my partner and our DC so the prospect of 'having nobody' Is quite daunting but my mind is made up.

I was very LC with my mum for 18 months after a 'final straw' moment that taken by itself could have been brushed off but I picked that moment to decide NO MORE.

She eventually agreed to come to counselling with me to try and patch things up, we've been back in touch about 18 months.

But her old habits are rising to the surface again, I'm sick of her enabling my db and dsil, sick of her negativity and competitive 'who has it tougher' games.

I suspect Christmas will be a make or break time. My mental health is teetering on the edge of an abyss again and I will not tolerate any crap from anyone.

If going NC will preserve your sanity, mh etc then you HAVE to do the right thing OP.

I've gone very LC in recent months, aiming for NC. My parents won't accept my DC's extra needs (they have autism) and also won't accept my partner (same sex relationship) so I can't really see what kind of relationship I can have with them under those circumstances.

I'm sorry to hear there's so many others who've had to go no contact, but can see from reading that in the situations mentiond it's more than likely for the best. I admire your strengths because it's quite possibly the hardest decision I've had to make.

Christmas is an emotive time for families so I hope that anyone struggling will try and enjoy the festivities regardless of absent parents / siblings.

I've been yearning for a 'normal' mother and daughter relationship since I was old enough to realise I don't have what a lot of children have in a mum. I'm 24 now with a family of my own (I believe my lack of a happy family was at the root of wanting to start my own as early as possible) and I can't imagine ever treating my DS or unborn with the distain I've received from my own mother or read about from others on here about theirs.

No contact with my mother or the rest of my family for over 10 years now. I still grieve but not for my mother but for the mother I wish I’d had - if that makes sense. I think I am going to join the Stately Homes thread.

I've not spoken to mine since 2001 and I dont foresee a time where I would again.
My Mother was toxic, totally narcissistic and a bully. My Dad was a wimp who turned a blind eye and bought me CDs and magazines in an attempt to apologise for doing precisely fuck all, you know, like leaving the bitch and taking me with him.
I hear on the grapevine my sister is now the same. Divorced by 23, 2 kids by two dad's, utterly self absorbed. At least her husband had the sense to do one but she and my mother have effectively made it impossible for him to have regular contact with his child.
I thoroughly recommend therapy. Even if you cry, and it hurts, talk to someone, get it out. I went under duress, and at the end of one session said I was clearly terrible if my own parents acted the way they did. She said, no, it's not you, its entirely them. She pointed out I was a child, and as adults they should have known better. I've never felt such a weight off my shoulders.
DCs have never met them or shown any interest as their paternal DGPs are both sadly passed before I met DH. They do however have 3 aunts and two uncles and their partners, plus huge numbers of cousins so they're not missing out on anything but toxicity.

It’s sad there are so many of us that have had our hands forced to go NC.

Thankfully my upbringing and lack of affection and hatred from my mother hasn’t affected my relationship with my own child, in fact I am totally the opposite and I could not imagine treat him the way my parents treated me.

I often wonder how I will feel when my mother passes away? Grief for my mother or grief for a mother and life that never was and never changed?

I've been NC with both my biological parents for two decades now. I can honestly say that it is absolutely necessary and the best thing for me, my children and my life. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean that they're worthy of the trust of being truly family!
I was fortunate that I was removed from their 'care' by the court and placed with people who became my family - and still are to this day, perhaps not in blood but in word, deed and caring.
Good luck OP.

My dad passed away, but I've been NC with my mum for 2 years and I don't regret it one bit.

She is a selfish alcoholic that will never change, I went through that as a child, but I won't let my children do they same

@PaleRider1 it's something DH always asks, what happens when they pass away.
I did hear at one point (they still live in the town I grew up in, and still see the parents of people I went to school with so stuff filters back to me) that she had Breast cancer.
I feel awful for saying it but I felt nothing. Not nothing, more how you would feel if you heard so and so in a friends office had it, sorry for them.
I know full well that when they do go, my sister will make my life miserable in the very unlikely chance they leave me anything, it's likely my Dad may as a continuation of his guilt gifting. My DGran passed away and they didn't tell me for months (on Boxing Day, my sister sent a Facebook message which went into others but I saw it. What a wonderful Christmas gift that was. She had passed away in October). They waited to check if I was left anything. I had seen it coming ten years before and had told my DGran not to leave me anything, but to give whatever she had for me to her chap, and she did just that.
If I am left anything, I will refuse it outright. I would never feel right having anything from either of them, it would be tainted and scrutinized and probably bring me nothing but grief (they are still arguing 5 years on over my DGrans will with my Dads brother. They're a disgrace the lot of them).

"Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean that they're worthy of the trust of being truly family".........this is so true... I have been NC for 4 years now, I have 4 siblings and both parents. I dont speak to any of them and indeed, some are seriously toxic and manipulating including my mother. My adult relationship with my DM was very good, but for me there was always the elephant in the room. The "elephant", being an inward feeling of such anger and resentment at the emotional and physical abuse at their hands. One day I had a serious breakdown and since then, I have been alone. It was very painful, as I was close to most of them. Time has helped, and actually, with hindsight, I now feel that they don't deserve my love and friendship. They deserve one another instead, and I am ok.

My dad died more than 10 years ago, I went NC with my mum earlier this year. I had wanted to for ages and hadn't seen her for a few years (we live in different countries) and then one day after some particularly annoying phone calls I just texted her to say don't call me anymore. I didn't actually expect it to work and she's tried to contact me a couple of times but I've not responded.

I do feel bad because I'm an only child and I know she finds this hard - but on the other hand it can't be my responsibility to be around for her just because she has an empty life and wants to live through me. I feel so relieved not getting her phone calls every week.

My godmother (DM's good friend) just sent me a Christmas card basically complaining I hadn't been in touch and how unfair I was being to my DM. FFS... Not going to respond to her either.

Decent piece about family estrangement:

Our research shows people initially experience a sense of relief when they walk away, but then comes a feeling of isolation and that they’re doing something that goes against the grain of society.’ Dr Blake agrees: ‘We’re raised to love and respect our parents or siblings, so ending a relationship with them – for whatever reason – goes against that. I’ve found estranged people feel judged by others. They’re told that life is too short, or “But it’s your mum!”, or that they’re overreacting.’

Dr Blake and Becca also say that the TV version of families, especially at this time of year, makes people feel worse about their estrangement. ‘Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,’ says Blake. ‘There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives. The reality doesn’t always look like this, but people don’t talk about that. Family estrangement is a silent epidemic.’ So is it on the rise?

The experts we spoke to said the exact figures are hard to pinpoint, but a 2015 study by US universities Purdue and Cornell found that one in 10 families with adult children is estranged from one of those children.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/estrangement-from-family-at-christmas-how-we-cope/

Over 10 years NC with my mother now. Don’t miss her at all but miss having a normal mother/daughter relationship.

Not me, but my Dad went totally non contact with his mother after the death of his maternal grandmother, and with the rest of that side of the family. They were abusive fuckers and it was definitely the best decision he ever made. That was 16 years ago now and my grandmother died this year. My Dad didn’t attend the funeral. He occasionally has a call or email from his uncle, but refuses to communicate with him. He says that it’s been better for his mental health this way and I believe him.

Been NC with my dad for 13 years. He cheated on my mum and basically fucked off with OW and left me to pick up the pieces. Dick