Mixed emotions and guilt at Christmas

[louisejanep]

Hi Ladies,
I have wrote on here quite a lot lately but just need a hand hold. Been in an emotionally abusive/financial/psychologically abusive relationship. Left once before. But left 2 weeks ago after living a few months of hell. I haven’t left lightly it’s taken years to pluck up the courage.

We have 3 yr old DD who was starting to notice a few things in relation to his behaviour so had to remove us from family home, heartbreaking but couldn’t tolerate anymore.

I can’t get over how much guilt I feel because it’s xmas I feel sick Constantly with guilt because we always use to enjoy Xmas together. I feel so guilty that our DD will be with me most of the day but will be with him some of the day too. I don’t know why I feel so much guilt for him he’s sending me text after text saying please spend Xmas with him. My little girl not really asked for him
Much whilst we’ve been gone (I do want her to still have a really good relationship with him) then yday she stayed with him for one night and she’s come back upset and asking for him and saying mummy should be at home, been rough but managed to hold back tears in front of her.

He started crying in front of her when I picked her up saying don’t let me be on my own for Christmas and then she started screaming for him.
I just want out of this situation I could go back xmas day but think it would be a big mistake as it would be for my little girl and him not for myself.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3446449-Upset-mixed-feelings-unsure-what-to-do?pg=2&order=

Original post

Don't be guilt tripped into changing your plans. He's seeing her for part of Christmas. Stick to that arrangement. Remind yourself why you left. Stay strong. You can do this!

he is blatantly manipulating the emotions of a 3 year old to his own ends. That is despicable, unforgivable and just an extension of the very abuse you are escaping. Please don't allow yourself to be drawn in for the 'good' of your daughter, in the long run it is exactly the opposite.
Well done on splitting, please stay that way.

Wow he's really ramping up the emtional manipulation isn't he! !! Crying at handover in front of dc. Is that what a good father would do? You're managing to hold back the tears so she doesn't get upset, but he obviously doesn't give a crap. Telling her mummy should be at home. Do you really think they're the words of a 3 year old who hasn't been asking for him?

Alone at Christmas be dammed. That's a bed he made for himself so don't even think of crawling back into it with him.

Tell him the only contact will be about dc. And if he continues his self pitying guiltfest texts then communication will be by email only. And mean it!

The only guilt that should be around is his. And he's not feeling guilty cos he's too busy playing the victim.

He's had years to not be an abusive wanker!! He's not stopped now, he's just changed tactics. Stay strong. If you weaken and share Xmas day he knows he's using the right tactics to get you back as his emotional punchbag!

right, i have just read the previous thread. He is really worryingly jealous and unstable. It just strengthens my initial view. Take no notice of him. You, and your daughter, are best with as little contact as you can manage.

Just tell him it is not working for you anymore... That this is for the best.

Why are abusive people like this. His behaviour should you return will always be the same. Think of yourself and dd not what he wants.

He should have thought of his behaviour before driving you away.

Keep strong OP.

Your previous thread is scary - he is worryingly kealous and unstable as pog100 said. He is trying to control you again. He doesn't care as much for your dd as he does for making you do what he wants. If you get together with him at xmas he will know that he can use your dd to manipulate you into doing what he wants - he will never stop.

Ignore. Tell him that you will not be spending xmas with him. Remove your dd if he starts crying and tell her "daddy is a little emotional but that is ok, he will be just fine".

Is there any way someone else can do handovers for you?

Hi guys thanks for your messages. My mum said she can do handovers to prevent all of this.

The part I feel atblame for is saying I want time on my own and I want space on my own which he has not respected. I haven’t actually said it’s over, I’m not sure why, I think it’s because it’s christmas I don’t want to do that to him. But after being away for 2 weeks although I am wracked with guilt my life has been so much more calmer and that little time has made a difference. I’ve obviously missed him at times but I just keep thinking Im missing the routine of my life not missing his behaviour.

I know he won’t be alone at Christmas now as he’s mentioned spending it wit his family so once last thing to worry about. I don’t know why I feel so responsible for him. Last time this happened he threatened to kill himself and then after it being ‘good’ for a while he started to tell me how much I embarrassed him making me beg him for a second chance (I never did I wanted out last time) he said he’s seeing councillor and on. Anti-depressants and saying sorry he will change. But I’ve heard it a million and one times before. He will admit he’s in the wrong for maybe 6 weeks,6 months but I know it will go back and I dread the future with him.

He wants to meet to discuss xmas day tomorrow I don’t know how to approach things, sorry for the long posts I hate this whole situation.

Don't meet him. Text and say "really nothing to discuss about xmas day. My mum will drop dd off to you at your mum's at x time. I'm sure she'll have a lovely time with you. Best wishes"

He is an arch manipulator and it doesn't surprise me in the least that you were so young when you met and got involved with him. Don't give up now. He knows he can manipulate you and control you if he gets to see you - don't let him.

How many previous Christmases has he ruined? Birthdays? Weekends? Weekdays? Don't let him ruin this too!

He doesn't want to meet to discuss Christmas day. What's to discuss? Dd will arrive at x and be picked up at y! He wants to meet because he knows it's easier to manipulate you face to face! Grey rock!!!

He has ruined 1 Christmas ruined a couple of birthdays and lots of weekends. Which is good to be reminded as I forget all these. I’m just reading up on Greg rock now

Has anybody else had experiences of this?

Just use the example texts above. Do not engage in any way. There is no reason to other than to allow him to emotionally manipulate you. You know you want shot of him, stick to it, please.

Thank you it’s so tough this time of year :(