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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've made a rod for my own back with DSIS

17 replies

Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 16:16

So from being 2 she's had him overnight once a week, when DD got to 8 months she had her overnight at the same time. She loves having them, it's them that asks to have them over night, I've never ever asked her or her wife to have them.

Ds is now 5 and DD is 2, their dad now has them all of the saturday, and my sis has them either saturday over night or all day sunday. I've tried to subtley change the amount that they have them, but subtley doesnt work and they get upset, which in turn gets the rest of the family upset.

How can I change the situation without upsetting my sister or her wife?

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 16:16

*Had DS over night

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 23/12/2018 16:21

Have you told your sister how much it upsets you missing your children for a day each week?

HollowTalk · 23/12/2018 16:23

She has no right to have your children unless that's what you want. So just start to say, "Not this week, thanks. I want them here at home with me."

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 16:24

I've only just realised how much I'm actually missing out, their dad didnt usually have them all day, it was just 2/3 hours but last week he had them longer so I'm just going to end up loosing more time with my own damn kids if I don't sort this out properly now Sad

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 23/12/2018 16:30

If she kicks off then let her. You do your own thing. It’s unfair for you to get zero wekend time with your own kids!!

babysharkah · 23/12/2018 16:32

So now you don't see your kids at the weekend at all anymore? That's ridiculous. You just need to tell her straight and let her kick off if she wants to.

SexNotJenga · 23/12/2018 16:33

You'll need to be straight with them. Give them the 'shit sandwich':
They are fantastic aunties. You are bowled over by how much they have done for you and your dc. It's been such an amazing help and you will always know how lucky you and your dc are to have them.
Unfortunately, now their dad has them a full day on the weekend. It's the dc's right to have a relationship with their dad and it isn't going to change. This means that continuing with the routine with their aunties will mean they never see their mum on a weekend - not fair on them or on you. So from now on, you will keep them for the night on a weekend [however often], so that you and dc have a chance to do fun things together sometimes, especially now ds is in school.
Like you said before, they are fabulous aunties and you are profoundly grateful that they have been so involved, and of course you and your dc want to carry on seeing them and spending time together because you/they all mean a lot to each other, so maybe 1 weekend night a month/a day on the weekend but still coming home in the evening /a night midweek sometimes /whatever is acceptable to you. Thanks again for being such amazing aunties.

NationalShiteDay · 23/12/2018 16:34

FGS just tell her "thanks but that doesn't work for us anymore".

You're their parent!!! It's not for anyone else to demand contact Hmm

NationalShiteDay · 23/12/2018 16:36

Aldi why should you care about upsetting them when they clearly don't care about upsetting you?

blueskiesandforests · 23/12/2018 16:42

Does she realise that their dad has them all day Saturday and that you don't want "a break" from your own children for of most of every single weekend?

Perhaps she just hasn't stopped to think that she's demanding something that you don't want and is one of the people who assume parents are constantly desperate for "breaks" so is labouring under the mistaken belief that whilst she wants the kids she is also doing you a big favour. Talking to her about missing your kids and being miserable without them should sort it. Maybe suggest that if she wants to she could still have them from tea time to sleep over and til lunch time the next day one weekend per month, but if she doesn't want to you're happy either way.

If she doesn't understand and still insists then just lay down the law, they're not her children and she has no claims on them. Give her the benefit of the doubt for just not having thought through the fact their dad has them too and you probably miss them rather than wanting to palm them off, first though.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 18:02

I think it is as poster have said just a not realising their dad is having them for a full day now, it's took two years to get to this point so I can see why, feeling much better about it now, just had surgery on thursday so a bit grotty and emotional at the minute still! Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 18:08

I know some of is missing the kids, some of it is thinking shes doing me a favour so I can be 'young' and some of it is wanting to ease the pressure whilst I was going through testing for cancer & the recent surgery, so she's not coming from a bad place if I've given that impression, I just finally feel somewhat pain free and starting to get a smidgen of energy back from the past year so starting to think on things a bit more which probably isnt a good idea whilst I'm in pain and emotional

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 23/12/2018 18:11

I starting making a few plans to change habits.

A Saturday somewhere doing child oriented stuff followed by an over night stay, then another Saturday book panto tickets, then a day out but we’ll be getting back late - so why don’t we all go for Sunday lunch to the pub

Break the habit for a few weeks

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 18:19

Offer her Friday nights instead do it is their Dad picking them up from her not you?

Yes to breaking the habit and yes to not letting their upset being more important than yours!

FlyingMonkeys · 23/12/2018 18:34

Id say - Kids are getting older need a set routine coming after the Christmas holidays. Obviously during school hols you'd be thrilled for them to spend the odd night there. Or maybe you could compromise on 1 night a month (last Saturday of it)? If the kids enjoy/expect if then it'll still give them the treat to look forward to plus a break for yourself. Depends on what works for you OP they're your kids at the end of the day.

Original poster
Queenofthestress · 23/12/2018 19:02

Thank you for all of the responses, you've all been a big help, been feeling a bit sorry for myself today

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 25/12/2018 17:38

If she was only doing this to help you out then she wouldn't be upset when you end it.
The fact that they get upset and kick off and the rest of the family get involved shows that having them overnight is to benefit some unmet need in her and her wife - not to help you when you need it.

You need to make it clear whether verbally or not that YOU are the mother and they are YOUR kids....you are grateful for all the help and support she's given you but this is asking for too much.
The dc are getting older, their needs are changing and therefore your family routine/dynamic has to change too.

She can't use your dc to satisfy her broodiness.
Tell the rest of the family to butt out and mind their own business.
Then stick to your decision and boundaries...and ignore all tantrums, demands and shitty behaviour from anyone who doesn't like it.

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