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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have to end the friendship don't I?

24 replies

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 15:14

I hired someone for a service over a period of months which required us to spend large amounts of time together alone. We clicked and have become good friends. We have so much fun together, laugh and joke, debate, he is caring and considerate and I genuinely think the world of him. I would consider him my best friend.

We started extending the sessions and having a coffee together and then we went to dinner one night. He had spoken throughout about his wife and grown up step child so I was sure it was platonic until he kissed me. Call me naive but I didn't think he was like that. He had never previously behaved inappropriately or anything.

Anyway I told him I didn't want to be the other woman, I wouldn't have an affair and we should cut all ties. We did for awhile and then he apologised, said he was happy to remain friends and didn't want to lose me in a profession capacity either at a critical point of the journey.

Since then everything has been firmly back on a friendship basis. I no longer require his services but we chat over text and meet up from time to time for coffee.

He mentioned he has bought me a Christmas gift which is fair enough so I bought him one too, a recipe book.

He brought my gift today and it is genuinely the most thoughtful gift I have ever received, it was a few smaller gifts inside a bigger gift and each one is something I genuinely love l. The thought and effort is amazing but he must have spent about £200.

Now obviously I love the gift and I am genuinely flattered that he was so thoughtful but now I just feel uneasy. I am sure his wife would be very hurt if she knew about it. I also feel that he still sees me as more than a friend.

I don't want to lose his friendship buy I also don't want to somehow be dragged into an affair albeit there is never going to be anything physical. I have to end the friendship don't I?

OP posts:

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 15:17

Yes. Think he's already there at affair in his head.

Is he someone you'd want to go out with if he was single?

SoleBizzz · 23/12/2018 15:23

Yes. Dump him. Why would you want a man with nothung to offer you and another Woman be hurt in the process?
If that was my Husband I would devestated even at thus stage.. £200 of family money on a "friend"?
Yeah right.. friend

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 15:24

I had one of these. I did stay friends because I was absolutely totally positive I wouldn't do anything and DH was informed and fine with it.

We are still friends ten years later.

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 15:32

@Whaddaup12 I have never thought of him in a romantic way, he is married and 17 years older than me, he has always just been a friend.

I don't want him @Solebizz I am not trying to steal this womans husband.

Did he ever behave inappropriately @MrsTerryPrachett?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 15:40

Once. Under fairly extreme circumstances. Ten years ago so I think I'm safe. DH was OK about it and I didn't see him for a year afterwards. But we got back in touch and are good friends now.

I was 100%, totally, completely sure I would never reciprocate which is very important.

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 15:53

Yeah but the problem is that he's thinking of you in that way, regardless of what you think...

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 15:58

It's not your fault. Friendliness sometimes get confused with more than that...

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 15:59

Is £200 a lot of money to him? Hopefully it isn't and it was ill judged.

If you are sure there are 0 feelings from you then you could thank him for the gift but you felt it was inappropriate under the circumstances.

I would further distance yourself and give him time to sort his crush on you out.

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 16:01

@Randomness I am not sure of his finances other than his hourly rate but he is the sole earner in their relationship so I imagine it is a considerable sum? It is a lot of money to me.

OP posts:

Gina2012 · 23/12/2018 16:01

His poor wife

RandomMess · 23/12/2018 16:08

If he is not clearly wealthy and cash rich then yes it's a lot!!

I did wonder if it's by way of an apology...

Perhaps you need to ask "Does your wife know you've bought be £200 of gifts?"

Robin2323 · 23/12/2018 16:30

How would you feel if your dp/dh was buying Christmas presents for a female friend for £200 ?
Have you met her ?
Would he be happy for the two of you to meet ?
I guess that's a no then .....?

KingBobra · 23/12/2018 16:33

...didn't want to lose me in a profession capacity either at a critical point of the journey

He's not your therapist, is he?

AndSheWas85 · 23/12/2018 17:09

Yeah, I think it's time to bail on this friendship. The problem is, how he sees you is different from how you see him.

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 18:22

@KingBora no he's not my therapist, that would be a whole other thread.

I can only imagine she doesn't know. I for one would be hugely unimpressed if it were my husband...... which is why I am questioning the whole thing and thinking I need to act.

OP posts:

Turquoisetamborine · 23/12/2018 18:24

Is he your bodyguard?

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 18:57

no he's not a body guard. He was teaching me something. A tutor/teacher/instructor.

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 23/12/2018 19:46

Yep. End it - it may be a friendship on your side, but on his it's an extended seduction. He has already kissed you, persuaded you to keep seeing him when you wanted to cool it off and now he has used an expensive present as a way to leverage more feelings and headspace out of you.

It's a shame when you feel like you're losing a friend, but I don't think he is actually your friend. I think that if he really 100% believed that there was no chance of anything else, he would rapidly lose interest in you. (I'm not saying there is a chance of anything more from your side, but I am pretty convinced he thinks there is, even if its just that this is a flirty, crush-charged interaction which gives him a boost and flatters his ego).

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 19:55

And tbh, you might get a bit worn down by the attention. Regardless of intention not to.

I would be be loudly telling my DH. However, he's good about stuff like this as I get myself in situations occasionally.

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 20:42

I am single so No one to tell on my side, I just feel it's inappropriate towards his wife and I would hate to ruin someone's marriage.

@FineWordForAPorcupine you could be right about him cooling off quickly. I hate that a thoughtful gift has signalled the end of a friendship but I know that's what needs to happen.

OP posts:

Waddsup12 · 23/12/2018 20:52

Ah, sorry, I'd read it as you had a DH.

Yes, sad as it is, I think you'll only continue to have issues.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 21:04

A tutor/teacher/instructor.

That makes it dodgier TBH. He's in a position that he shouldn't be exploiting.

Original poster

Dextrodependant · 23/12/2018 21:24

I am a grown adult, not a young teen or anything, don't want to put that across the wrong way, I am mid thirties.

OP posts:

Shallowshallow · 23/12/2018 21:33

Come on, he is still trying to get in your knickers. Does his wife know of your coffee dates? Or that he spent 200 on special and thoughtful gifts for you. I'd say no to both. He's deceptive and still trying it on.

If you do actually care about his wife, tell this guy to bog off.

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