Worried about DS 13

[WeAreSailing]

Need some serious advice on how to navigate the teenage years with DS.

Since he turned 13 (June) he has transformed from a happy, easy going, active boy to someone I don't even recognise anymore.

We have: numerous misdemeanours at school, aggressive, rude behaviour to us, zero interest in sport or anything in general if there's nothing in it for him.
Lying about taking/doing things and most worrying we discovered he's been taking secret slugs of wine or beer that's in the house.

It's just awful; feel like I can't trust him at all. He's had most of his tech confiscated as punishment so now just says he's bored all the time.

Pretty sure school is ok as has plenty of friends but am at a loss as he just refuses to talk anymore.

Can someone's please help - feel
Totally out of my depth and don't want to lose my boy.

I'd return all the tech for a start. Don't get into a cycle of punishments as that way, he really will have nothing to lose. So try not to punish him, try and work out what the problem is here and then work with him to improve behaviour.

Think rewards and not punishments. How's the routine at home? Do you have one?

Did anything happen in his or your life around the age of 12/13?

12/13 referring to his age, of course!

We did move house, but still local and no further away from his friends.

Can you work on something (or things) that are constructive? It depends on finances but getting them involved in a healthy hobby that takes a lot of time and they enjoy can be great. It takes up their time, is healthy and they are so knackered they stop the bad behaviour. Options: swimming, rugby/football/ SUP, kayak, anything really - if you find it boring and he doesn't then pretend it's best thing you have ever come across!

If he is doing all right at school and has friends, then you can relax to some extent. He might be awful at home, but outside he is doing OK.

What he is doing at home seems pretty normal to me. My DD is the same age and she does most of these things.

Stop removing all his tech as a punishment. A kid with his tech removed is isolated and vulnerable.

Start with some sport for him - what does he like doing ? In 13 years you must have known what he liked - either restart something he liked before, or start something new. You say that he won't do these things unless there is something in it for him - well in your case I'd ensure that there IS something in it for him. A little bribery goes a long way at this age - a new bike if he completes a term at his selected sport might just keep him going !

He has just joined the local gym so hopefully that's a start.

Maybe I am looking at the tech from the wrong angle. I just didn't think he should be rewarded for bad behaviour.

Should I be worried about the booze? Sure I drank bits of alcohol at that age but it was always with my friends, not at home alone

Yes slightly the wrong angle. Put limits on tech use of course but by removing it, you run a high risk of him being isolated from his pals. And this is how they socialise together

When he misbehaves, don't jump to punish immediately. Talk about it. What are your expectations? Could you have headed the behaviour off a little earlier l?

Re the drinking. I'd remove all the alcohol. Hide it, limit how much you have in at any one time or don't buy it - whatever is easiest. It just cuts off that avenue to him at the moment

If he gets his tech back I really need to work out how to programme time limits otherwise he'll be on it 24/7 This was possibly the start of this downward spiral, def an increase in aggression when he started playing Fortnite.

We asked school to tell us when he misbehaves (following a run of incidents) and I am now regularly emailed about 'bad behaviour 'points'. My thinking behind this was that we could tackle this head on but maybe this isn't productive? Maybe i should only be told about major incidents? Really don't want to be on his case all the time but feels like the trust has gone.

Am just so worried...he's now year 9 and not long before GCSEs

Hiding alcohol might be slightly challenging at the moment!

Bumping for any more advice

If you can’t punish by removing games, what can you do?
You could still give him say an hour a day and he earns more time with good behaviour. Is there a friend you could invite round and take them swimming or something more active? When I am arguing with my ds a lot I try to take him out alone - to “help” me shop or something and go for a meal. Just to try to reconnect. It’s not easy though.

Regarding his tech, I am not at all sure giving it back is a good idea, particularly as you say this may have started downward spiral. It is hard enough for adults to use it responsibly, and not to get sucked in. And if you don‘t have super electronic locks on it he may stumble across stuff that may be toxic or outright traumatic. Some crap might have happened (unrequited love, online bullying... whatever) or it could just be puberty. I‘d try to have together time (or is there anything like a young responsible uncle?) and to listen.

That's a good strategy, letting him have the Xbox back and extending time as reward for decent behaviour

Still being vile and grumpy, can't wait for him to get back to school

Had he been referred to csmhs? Is there a teacher or pastoral worker who he respects and that you could work with?

My son was referred to csmhs age 15 and they were fucking brilliant. He had weekly sessions with his case worker and I caught up with her about once a month. With my sons agreement she would bring me up to date on how he was feeling and make suggestions on how to move forward. A couple of times she called me at work because DS was feeling suicidal urges RIGHT THEN

She was very very helpful if I called her and said "DS has said this, what do I do"

Please don't be afraid of csmhs.

Sorry my phone keeps writing csmhs
CAMHS