Mourning my future

[sunsetheaven]

Given up on dream of finding the right partner, settling down and having a family. Its hurting but better I come to accept it now.

I’ve never been in love with a man who was good for me. And I had plenty of choice especially in my younger years.

I’m never going to go on online dating again and I hardly meet any men in real life.

I’m really letting go of that dream but I think I’m being realistic. Most relationships don’t work out anyway and most men aren’t exactly good partners.

Anyone else made this decision later in life and things turn out ok? It’s a bit scary. Just wanted some hand holding.

How old are you? Can you do some work on yourself eg with therapy, self help books, reading online? If as you say you’ve never gone out with anyone decent there must be patterns you are repeating. How was your childhood/early relationship experience? My useless father was in and out of my life which made me prone to picking similarly cold/emotionally avoidant men but I had therapy to work through this and now have found the perfect match for me (quite late in life!) I feel like this is in part down to me being in a good place so the relationship has developed happily and well and he is committed and open to it all.

What's happened to make you feel like this? It's never too late to give up hopes and dreams for the future. Has someone you met online turned out to be a complete flake?

Btw I’m not saying don’t be single! Being single is good and better if you feel happier! Just that I definitely felt some of the way you felt (esp when I was 39 and had just called things off with another online idiot).

Mid 30s. Very happy and stable upbringing. Loving father who has given me everything. Loads and loads of guys into me in 20s. Fell in love once, he hurt me so I moved on. Had quite a few long term relationships but didn’t fancy or really love the men. All were healthy though. So gave up. Met a guy last year and felt insane fireworks for him but he abused me. Saw a therapist - she said there isn’t anything wrong with me. Read every book under the sun. I just don’t think there is someone for me. Most men are just appalling. Most relationships die anyway. What’s the point?

Your father is the key here.
Finding someone who can replicate having a wonderful father in your life is almost impossible.
If he's your template on how a man should be and you end up constantly disappointed as a consequence, then just maybe, you need to work through your expectations

I have although I am only 30 and a single mum. I know I will never have the family life everyone has and my ds will never live in a two parent household. Accepting it has made it a bit easier live with it. I have been in love once and that was ds'dad who cheated and left but now has a happy family life . Hopefully other areas of my life work out

Goodness, I’ve let my standards drop over the years and just can’t be bothered anymore. Would rather be alone than with the wrong man and in the wrong relationship!

Sorry to hear yearofreckoning this is why I don’t want a partner and family - you never know if the fucker will run and leave you on your own. Not a risk I want to take. Best wishes to you.

I definitely felt how you feel and many men are awful, I also found online dating not great (met my partner in real life) though I know lots do meet decent people on there. Mix of idiot men and then nice guys that lacked spark/I couldn’t really see myself with long term. What are your chances of meeting someone IRL OP? Could you work on that and also just doing your own thing, focusing on eg career, hobby, new challenge, travelling etc?

You’ve decided to give up on men. That’s fair enough. The part that bothered me more was that being your ‘dream’. Really? I’ve given up on relationships with women. But not women. And they’re certainly not my dream.

I’d suggest to you that there’s nothing wrong with being single. That you can have a fun and meaningful life without a man. There are so many options open to you. So many opportunities. None of which is having a guy on call. You can even have kids if that’s what you really want. Forget dating. Forget the Disney fairytale. Do the things you enjoy. Travel. Eat good food. Go out with friends.