Have I scared him off, I want a women's opinion

[Lorddenning1]

I have a friend and we had a FWB type arrangement, all going well as I had got out of a 9 year relationship 4 months ago and wasn't looking for anything serious, and he said he didn't want a girlfriend.
Anyways we get on really well and the lines had started to blur a little, so after 2 months I decided to have a where are we convo, my take on it was I like where we are now, but if we continue to act like this I may want something in the future, again I stressed now right now but I needed to hear it could do way in the future, as he had said he doesn't want a girlfriend, my fear was I was going to continue this and say down the line I was going to fall in love, with him turning round saying u know I don't want a girlfriend so.... and then bin me off.

Asking advice from another friend who is a guy, and went for a drink with my old FWB and he said Iv scared him off, I have come on too strong with the mention of a relationship, but I tried to explain to don't want one now, maybe down the line though, and what was wrong with asking where his head was, I was told I should of just left it and let it naturally develop and now I'm questioning myself, I thought I was being sensible, but now I'm wondering have I messed this up?

My girlfriends are saying that I was right to ask as we needed to be on the same page and there is no point continuing and my guy mate says I should of left it, what should I have done?

My FWB has now ended, my request, but I was just curious about how I should of handled it?

You did the right thing. He told you he didn't want a girlfriend. If he did, you wouldn't have had to ask him about it.

Thank you :) my point entirely, if he never brought that up I would of left it to naturally developed, like you do in these circumstances.
He took an unpaid day off work to take me somewhere that I really wanted to go and then asked if I would like a Christmas present, and then said it would be ok if I dated over people, not sleep with them but he would be fine with me dating,
Talk about all over the place

100% you did the right thing!

I wouldn't have had that conversation as the cards were laid out on the table by him. And in all honesty if someone I was actually dating said that to me after a couple of months I'd probably run for the hills.

You were right to end it.

Thanks everyone, I just went with my gut to be honest.
Trust me to end a relationship of 9 years and the first guy I meet after doesn't want anything serious :(
At least I know now I can't do FWB anymore,,, I'm still a little sad though 😢

So sad to hear that you feel like this, BUT , if you feel like this after 4 months, obviously, your feelings have changed. Perhaps you are ready to move on, and whilst waiting for your FWB to enlighten you how HE feels, perhaps you should think forward, while you are waiting for him , you could be out there, finding someone, who might actually, be what you are looking for, you know the old saying , you always find love , when your not looking for it, when you least expect it. Best of luck 2019.

@Mothergooseflying thank you so much and your right. Happy new year xxx

OP - it’s not him who is all over. I think it’s you.
You first say - ‘only 4 years out of relationship and not looking for anything serious’
And then lament that ‘first guy you meet isn’t looking for a relationship’....

I think - given your situation and that you are fresh out of a long relationship - and met him saying that you aren’t looking for more than FWB - it was way too early to have this conversation.
Well - in my book - even in a regular relationship - at 2 mo - it’s way way early for that.

No matter how much you try to qualify - not now, but sometime later - it doesn’t matter. It’s like you are asking for a commitment, just tying to soften it by adding a time delay to it.

You need to takw a breath and decide what you actually want. And not give off mixed signals.
Commitment, but not quite now, but a commitment still - is your message now. It’s neither here, not there.

You are only just out of a relationship. Take your time.

You won’t need to be coy or second guess yourself with the right man for you. The right man won’t be put off, so don’t torment yourself over him.

I was adamant I only wanted casual relationships after I split from my ex. That was until I met my boyfriend who is amazing.

At first I honestly didn't want anything other than just casual sex but I started to fall for the guy, which is fine and these things develop and the only reason I asked him if he could see this going any further because he was adamant he didn't want a girlfriend at the beginning, I was kind of hoping he would of changed his mind about it, guess not.
I'm not the type of girl to go full on normally, it was the comment about not wanting a girlfriend that made me ask. I know he has some stuff going on at the minute, so maybe it's just not the right time for him.
I'm not going to beat myself up over it, and like someone said when I meet the right person, hopefully I won't have any issues. Still gutted tho :(

I think it was right you ask. If you were already in ‚could turn serious somewhen in the future‘ territory, it is not FWB anymore. Continuing would have hurt you down the line. Equally, if he wants nothing but FWB, it was right for him to end it, as he also understood that you were beyond FWB in your mind, already.

You both did the right thing, imo.

You've posted before. Title was something about FWB ever working out or meant to be or something.

He said from the beginning he didn't want a relationship, you've read into it despite that and now you are where you are at.

People are giving you the exact same advice as last time.

Last thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3452920-do-friends-with-benefits-ever-work-out

I started this thread today as I had spoken to my guy friend who gave me a bit of a hard time and said I had scared him off, I have not started things back up since the other thread your referring to, if you look at the end of the thread, u can see I had called it off and that's still the same.
So are we allowed to only start 1 thread on something we are going through,

You say you want women's opinions when you have already spoken to your female friends, I suspect adnauseum so now you are back on here.

What do you want, OP? Someone to say he probably loved you too or maybe there really was a chance of a relationship??

There was never a chance and you need to stay away from these kind of relationships.

I just wanted opinions to tell me iv done the right thing, because I feel like shit and it's not a nice feeling

The first wrong thing you did was think that someone who said he didn't want a relationship did want one. The second wrong thing you did was think that sex equals love.

For sure if you keep asking questions someone on here will validate you so you can move onto the next stage of flogging this to death.

Move on, OP. You deserve it.

I meant done the right thing in ending it, maybe this guy is a rebound from my 9 year break up, I've no idea, in such a short space of time Iv gone from rock bottom and signed off work to back onto my feet into another mans bed :( guess I'm not fully over things yet, you don't need to stick the boot in, I'm already doing that myself and realise how fucking stupid Iv been and still being :( might bring it up to my councillor next time

If I was FwB with anyone and then they sat me down for a ‘where are we’ conversation then I’d run a mile, very fast.
I’d be scared to see them again in case they stabbed me in my sleep for refusing them.

I don't think you're in the right place for a FWB set up. You are very new out of a long-term relationship and yet 2 months after you were wanting a 'what are we' conversation after he'd told you he didn't want a GF.

I do think you did the right thing by telling him but like Fission, if someone did that to me in a FWB set up I'd be outta there and leave tyre marks.

You've done the right thing OP. I don't really understand what your FWB said when you had the chat though? Only that it has now ended.

I'm sure he was fond of you and enjoyed seeing you. For some reason though he didn't want a relationship. He was quite clear about this from the start but I can understand your feelings changing, were all human and allowed to have feelings evolve.

I've had fwb too and it can be confusing - you like them enough for regular sex but then you don't want to like them for more than that. Unfortunately though the trust and intimacy can grow and you get really bonded with them. You've done the right thing and if he has any desire for a relationship he will contact you in time, let him go now though and date others on bumble or whatever.

Thank you @Snowballs4ever
I will let him go now and get on with things, thank you for your kind words

I didnt know there was an option to click on threads iv started, so i gave some a quick re read and thought i would update on this situation.

Me and the guy put things back on but I cooled off a lot, i started to go out more with friends and missed seeing him some weekends, just to prove I wasn't always available to him. I know i was silly to call it back on after everything he sad etc, anyways..

after a few weeks I told him that I was ready to date other people and to wish me luck etc, he then laid his cards out on the table and told me he would like to see how things go between us and that we are already acting like a couple and everything is going ok. I was introduced to his best friends as his girlfriend, we are now on my terms not his :)

We are still taking it slow don't get me wrong but at least we are now on the same page, which was basically my issue to start with, now I can relax and enjoy the relationship without questioning everything and what will be will be :)