More of those 4 am worries........

[Elliebellybum]

So, after leaving because of DV and EA (DV was in front of three young children this time) on top of my considerable worries over housing, money, losing the children to ex, being alone for the rest of my life, having done the wrong thing etc etc I now find myself worrying that I am upsetting ex.

When we were together (over 10 years) life has developed into a routine of DH having his own way, I (and the children to a certain extent) walked on eggshells round him to avoid upsetting him (he would often stonewall me for weeks at a time, laced with making extra mess, not helping at all with anything, disappearing for hours on end leaving me with the children etc) for the last few years this went on more often than it didn’t.

So although I am in no way a doormat it just became easier to bite back anything that was likely to set him off.

We had a break with the kids booked after Xmas, he’s obsessed with us going “for the children” I have said no in every way imaginable, but ex is attempting to badger and browbeat me into saying yes.

I’m finding it hard to stay resolute because I’m actually feeling bad I’m upsetting him! By this I mean I’m worried he’s going to stop speaking to me or really hate me.
I still seem to crave him being happy with me.

I find it odd because considering the circumstances I have been more than fair I think while he’s made life....difficult or at least more than it needed to be.

Is this unusual, am I just really weak or is it the by product of years of succumbing to someone else will and trying not to upset them?

I feel such a weird range of emotions around him, like I don’t want to be with him (I don’t think) but I want him to like me almost? Or not be angry with me?

I don’t know quite what’s going on in my head

Please don't go on holiday with this horrible man. Protect yourself and your children as they don't deserve this. Stop pandering to his every whim, get some counselling or other help to improve your self esteem, and start building a life away from that fucker.

He is gaslighting you , he knows what he has done and the consequences and he is trying to find a way to come back .... please don't go you have made this huge decision for your and your kids sake stay strong !
He has upset your family , he has caused this split, he chose to perpetrate the abuse so do not feel sorry for upsetting him !
Well done for making the decision that you and your kids don't deserve this , he will not change

I am sorry to keep posting about this whole thing.

I feel really weak, like I should have left in a blaze of fury and carried on that way, but as the month has gone on and everything has continued to not work out for me and the kids and life has continued to punch me in the face daily I have really started to flag under the weight of the responsibility.

I question a lot if I did the right thing when I look at where we are at now.

You did do the right thing ! No one should have to live as you did and if he truly loves you he wouldn't ask you too.
The holiday is just another way for him to manipulate you and the children
You did not cause all the upset he did

It’s like he’s obsessed with this break.
He seems to think that is the thing that will turn this all around.
He says I’m thinking only of me and not the children, which is not true at all

Was he thinking of the children when he was hitting you in front of them? Please dont expose them to this bastard anymore. He doesn't give a shit about your children.

He's trying to use your guilt about the children missing this 'holiday' to force you back into his clasp.

Your children will remember having a happy home and mum then will this 'holiday'.

He is at his most dangerous now because you have escaped him and he has lost control of you and your children. His only goal is to get you back where you belong and that is under his control, and his punchbag.

Please, please don't put yourself back in this situation.

This sounds exactly like my ex. But I didn’t have the physical abuse as well.
And I felt exactly like you when we finally got out. I felt so bad for hurting him, I felt sorry for him, and I desperately wanted him to still like me. I was terrified to do anything that would upset him. He used the children as an excise too as he knew that was the best way to get to me.

However - I got counselling for my self esteem and I stayed strong, and 3 years on we are going great. Do not give in to him.
If he was any man he would tell you to go on the break with the kids so they didn’t miss out.
You need to keep moving forward not backwards, and that’s for the children too. It would totally confuse them to go away altogether.
You have done the hard bit, please try and stay strong, it’s harder at this time of year for sure.
You are amazing

It's no wonder you're flagging.

Why are you in so much contact with him? You need to stop engaging with him like this. He beat you in front of the dc. He's now trying to guilt you back. And yes, the way you're feeling wanting to keep him sweet is the psychological effect of the abuse cycle and trauma-bonding. Contact needs to be limited or via third parties.

Are you getting any support from domestic abuse services /women's aid?

I could have written something very similar except the abuse was everything except physical. My stbxh was very obsessive, constantly moving from one obsession to another. You have made the hardest dision possible but its very very hard to keep to it and not go back esp when life is still so tricky. We are led to believe that it all gets easier once you have left, this is not true. If you are trying to leave a controlling man it will continue and get a lot worse after leaving as they are loosing control. Do not go on holiday, he will see this as a weakness and a chance to get back with you. Tbh i would just phone the holiday company and cancel the holiday, then the dision is made.

Have you received much help? have you got a domestic abuse worker? how old are you children? if you have one under 5 you could contact the health visitor and discuss receiving extra help.
The feeling guilty about his feelings is also him trying to manipulate;ate you , you are still and probably will be for quite some time, emotionally connected. This doesn't suddenly go. Also in a situation where their has been abuse and an imbalance of power your probably co dependent on him, as i was with my stbxh. ITs been 2 years for me and its still a mental struggle tbh, i still think of him constantly and obsess about things but it is so so much better than what it was. Your get there it just takes a lot of time, but do not feel sorry for him and do not go on holiday with him.

I originally refused contact with the kids, but my solicitor said to take them on contact but stay in the vicinity (I’m very worried he will take them) so we are around each other.
She said I wasn’t making myself look good to a judge if I refused contact full stop.
The IDVA said refuse contact and make him take me to court.
Solicitor said that was OTT and not necessary.
So I was stuck between totally conflicting advice.
I don’t really have a third party who can regularly provide contact and the kids don’t want to go without me (they’ve become very clingy to me in all this, they sleep in the bed with me)
I try not to talk to him but he is fairly sure I am being stubborn (has said so) and that I will be back.

I have an IDVA, but she’s hard to get hold of, the health visitor phoned a couple of times then disappeared, Family services are coming to see me in the new year but I think because it’s Christmas we are sort of just left in limbo.
They also view it as “at the moment” we are in a place to stay, the fact that it’s expensive and we can’t stay forever is irrespective to them.

The Families first worker was very keen to tell me how they can help me get back into work (I was a SAHM) but can’t seem to grasp that for me a permanent place to live is my main concern. Work can wait, my youngest is 3 and not even in school, at this precise second a job isn’t what I’m concerned about. I’m going to claim IS and tax credits and then try to piece life back together again.

I’ve been very pro active, I’ve tried to rent loads of places, I’ve got a deposit, I’ve got a guarantor, I have bank accounts that show I have some savings, I’ve offered rent up front, to meet the landlord, to pay landlord insurance, for the children to meet the landlord, you name it and no fucker will rent to me.

There is also quite a difference in what HB will pay and what rent here costs, and that applies to the whole county, so I need to work out what I can afford on top.

I don’t want to move far away, my entire support network of friends (and they are really supportive) is here along with the kids schools (eldest due to start senior school in September so will wreck all that if we move) I don’t want to leave what I’ve built up here.

I don’t know if we are falling through the net, but I feel like they ring and make sympathetic noises but that’s it.

Families first are very keen to get us into counselling so we can talk our issues through and appear to tell my ex the total opposite of what they tell me!

You're doing amazingly, op.

Is a contact centre an option? Is your solicitor well-versed in domestic abuse cases? If the dc are reluctant to see him on their own, then the IDVA sounds more in the right of it.

I don’t even know how to arrange that, and as I’m now letting him see them with me in the vicinity I can’t see how I can argue for a contact centre.
My solicitor is meant to be really god, but I don’t think she gives a shit that it’s DV tbh.
She wasn’t interested, just said she felt the DV advice is often OTT

The problem is tbh the domestic abuse has to be bad! If he's on the birth certificate then he has PR as much as you have. I was also terrified he would take the children and not return them, mine were very little. Iv had huge problems with him not returning them on time, not the right day etc etc etc. But no one's that interested as we both have PR and that's even with a court order and i have a residency order. R u keeping a diary of everything that's happening?
Have you done a parenting plan with him? Look it up on line. Can you get a Rota if your friends to supervise contact? Or privately a range a contact centre. This will cost you but is do able