How much should you be prepared to listen to someone in MH crisis if it does you own head in?

[candycane222]

NC's for this
DM (in her 80s) has had a bad year with her MH this year, bad crisis in the summer, went to A&E, got put in community MH support and has been improving but suddenly (possibly due to sudden change in medication) worse again, another trip to A&E, neighbours coming round concerned because she was screaming and shouting. (she says this is because she just 'can't bear' how she feels) Mix of anxiety and depression has been diagnosed and she has been on mirtazepine since summer, which did seem to help to begin with.

Me & my dSis live 21/2 hrs and 3/4 hour away respectively. Dsis is v attentive, rings DM at least every day (and she does get 'support' from Mum in a low key sense of someone to moan to, when DM is well). And visits often.

But we are getting near the ends of our tethers with her telling us how awful she feels, saying that "I thought, I don't want to be here any more but then I thought, I can't do that to you" "I'm sorry I have just been screaming again" "someone just has to deal with this I can't bear it" etc.

I think anyone would find this difficult but I think Dsis and I both find this especially hard as when we were teenagers she went though a lot of similar, and it was very frightening and distressing to us. DM then went on to drink very heavily for many years and Dsis in particular took a lot of the strain with that.

So now when she gets into this state, we are both triggered - not kidding, my pulse rate shoots up, and I need the loo in a hurry. It has occurred to me that if this is going to keep happening I should probably seek counselling to help me deal with it...

Dsis and I both struggle with our MH ourselves off and on, though we have never really told DM about it because she would quite possibly blame herself - and though I don't blame her for the hard time she had with DF all those years ago, it might well have contributed. And I really don't want to discuss my MH with her. When I am struggliing I try v hard to fake it till I make it, and I do try not to show my dcs how I am feeling, because I was so distressed when I was their age by my DM's failure to conceal it from us. And I suppose I still don't think it's on, even now I'm a grown woman!

I really don't want to diminish her distress, of course it is real. Nevertheless to be honest we are both also feeling angry at her, and feel there is an element of unconscious manipulation and kind of allowing things to get to crisis so "someone has to do something".

She has a 24 hour help line but doesn't use if when she is in crisis, only saying it happens suddenly and/or they "wouldn't help". When she has calmed down she says yes she'll ring them if it happens again, but no - another screaming attack this morning which she then tells us about.

We have both tried to be supportive, accompanied her to appointments, talked to her MH professionals and talked through her problems (and treatment) with her, but I am finding just don't want to be involved to this extent, and I'm not sure it's either appropriate, useful to her, or fair of her to expect it.

I have just told her I don't want to 'get involved' when she just suggested I could talk to her MH workers again. (This is something she regularly sets up, by phoning me when they are with her) They refer to 'mum' in the third person and infantilise her - I'm not responsible for her, dammit!

So my question is, am I (& dsis) being a heartless cow or am I within my rights to not want to get so involved with her MH care. Last time she had a crisis I did ask her not to talk to me about her symptoms in detail, especially the "wishing she wasn't here" stuff, and that that she really must ring the professionals when she feels like that but she is still doing it, and I am starting to feel really on edge. I s hould stress she doesn't ring up when she is feeling "like that", she just reports it afterwards. but still, it feels like she shouldn't be laying it on us every time.

Sorry, that was very incoherent and absurdly long. I would really appreciate some views from outside though.

Absolutely essential that you look after yourself. The analogy of being on a plane and putting on your own oxygen mask first is helpful in situations like this. You’re allowed to hold a boundary of not being involved with her Mh care.

Could you ring her MH, at a time of your choice so you're ready and in control, and tell them this is now impacting on your own mental health so much you need to step back, so they will need to monitor her more closely as you won't be involved in future?

Has she been assessed for dementia?

You absolutely have to put yourself first here, especially as you have your own DC to take care of. To be blunt, she didn't put you first growing up did she? I have MH issues myself and take great care to shield it from DC. I would NEVER do as your mum does to you.

So in that respect, I think she's being highly manipulative.

She has 24hr support yet chooses not to use it. Not your problem. If you're less available then maybe she will.

I've had to ask my family not to go into the finer detail of a similar issue with my DF. I shut them down if they try and test that boundary.

Wow, thanks so much everyone.

I was prepared to be told I was being unsympathetic - but the replies have been incredibly helpful. You're right NationalShite, she did not shield us, and indeed deliberately shared stuff with us that - well I'm not going there, but it wasn't appropriate!

And I will share this thread with dsis as well. We're trying v hard to stay on the same page so we support each other. I just thank God I do have a dsis. In fact it was having her there that made me so determined to have more than 1 dc myself - so there was at least the possibility they'd have someone to moan to about me if God forbid.....

Re dementia - I think she's been pretty thoroughly assessed - and also, her behaviour was v similar in her 30s. But she is slowly getting vaguer, it's true. It is something I am keeping at the back of my mind, for sure.

I already feel a load better, you are all truly great. Thank you again.

I feel for you. No advice, just didn't want to read and run.

Thanks sub

Could you and your Dsis get "mum phones" which you can turn off sometimes. Or alternatively only one if you have one on, and agree when to switch. Sort of like you're on shifts? Of course whilst your mum and her MH team have those numbers, your dsis and you have your respective personal numbers so can still communicate in a true emergency re mum.

I completely understand how you feel. I’m having the same issue with one of my neighbours (I think she might have dementia) I live alone, heavily pregnant, and have severe social anxiety. Every time I bump into her she starts talking about her mental health issues and will go on for half hour or so, I end up going home and crying for ages after.

Oh gosh Espanio that sounds worse than my situation - how awful! Can you say your feet are aching like mad or you need a pee or something and rush off? She really isn't your responsibility in any way!

Badger I think the problem is the amount of responsibility she is trying to load on us, rather than the frequency of calling. I think we both need to start enforcing "id rather you didn't tell me about that' boundaries.

I should say that when she's well she is lovely, and not manipulative at all - though occasionally prone to 'disgusted of tonbridge wells' type generalised outrage. When she is unwell though (tends to be triggered by health anxiety and her physical health is not great' the 'outrage' escalates to fever pitch

Yanbu. My dm had periods of mh issues when we were teens, used to tell us all about it, crying "you'd be better if I wasn't here' etc. When she does it now I'm transported straight back to the feelings I had then. I think some counselling would be useful, and I agree that it is manipulative behaviour; she should have put you first, you are allowed to put yourself first now. 💐

Your mother is responsible for herself. You are not responsible for her. Please put yourself and you family first and look after your own health. Elderly relatives can be very draining mentally and physically and living a distance away can be a blessing but also an added problem. My advice is keep your distance and let her MH team sort things ot. They are the professionals but they will be more than willing to let you take the strain if you show willing. Step back and protect yourself first. Don't feel guilty and if you need to vent I suggest moving over to the elderly relatives thread for lots of support from lovely sympathetic, knowledgeable peopleof
Good luck op

*people!

Does she have counselling? Is there a day in the week where she speaks to someone else about these things? It sounds as though she needs talking therapy.

Persona she has contact with some kind of support worker but it isn't counselling. She had one session of cbt which may have contributed to the latest crisis (she "had to talk about all that stuff") which in between bouts she disowns as 'im notl ike that' but actually mum, yeah, you are! I was thinking she needs someone kind but experienced - ive got an 'occsional' counsellor like that and i now want another few sessions with her.

But with dm, she needs to accept its an ongoing problem. I think this is something dsis and i can both broach.

And yes, i should probably find my way over to elderly parent s!