I can’t move on from my abusive ex!

[Malibu19880]

I really just need to offload somewhere.

I was with someone for 5 years and during that time he was incredibly emotionally abusive.

Towards the end of our relationship I posted here asking for advice ( www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3014429-Is-my-boyfriend-emotionally-abusive-or-am-I-over-sensitive )
and was overwhelmed by all the incredible advice and support I received.

After we broke up I was okay Initially until the beginning of this year when I suffered a nervous breakdown and developed agoraphobia where I was completely housebound for the first half of this year.
I worked really hard to get better, pushing myself through exposure therapy which if anyone has ever been through it - it’s incredibly challenging, easily the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through.
I managed to get back to work part-time but then unfortunately my physical health took a turn and I am now under investigation for deep endometriosis as the pain is so severe on a daily basis and has been for the past couple of months that I’ve been in tears and fainting with the pain and unable to walk so subsequently had to give up my job. I’m due to have a laparoscopy next year to diagnose and treat.

So as you can imagine, this year has really really been tough for me. I was ready to die in January. I didn’t want to be here anymore and somehow I am typing this now in December. I still don’t know how I’m here and not given up yet.

Anyway the icing on the cake is that my ex met someone in June, immediately moved in with her and her daughter AND I found out last month that she’s heavily pregnant - they got pregnant after a month of being together.

This is the man who told me he never wanted children and that I would have to be with someone else if that’s what I wanted.

As I’m about to embark on my own fertility journey with the endometriosis (I already have PCOS) this has all hit me really hard again and I’m struggling.

Because of the breakdown and the agoraphobia I haven’t been able to “move on” in any sense as I’ve been so unwell and getting back out there etc has been low on the priority list, also having to give up my job hasn’t helped because it was the one thing that I felt kept me connected to the ‘real world’ so I know these things explain why I still feel so angry and broken and hurt.

But I don’t know where to go from here and I’m hopeful for some practical advice about how I can heal.

I’m in long term therapy but not finding it very useful.

I feel like he got the happy ending and I’m here in the gutter where I allowed him to put me. Even now I don’t feel free because of the pain in my heart. I know appearances can be deceptive but it really looks like he’s actually changed for her and naturally I’m sat here like “why wasn’t I enough, what’s so great about her” and try as I might, I can’t help obsessing over comparisons!
He’s doing all the things with her and for her that he never did for me.

It’s especially painful because this man made me feel so fat and ugly all the time, banged on about how he wanted a ‘trophy wife’ and this new girl is not like that AT ALL!

I recognise my own bitterness and jealously and self loathing and self pity but I can’t seem to stop the spiral, I don’t want to feel this way, I want to be able to feel happiness again but it hurts so so much.

Thanks if you got this far, I just needed to let it out!

You should be proud and hold your head up for doing the work on yourself to get mentally stronger this year. Try to avoid hearing about his situation because it is no longer about him.
Your health problems would have come around even if you had stayed with him and that would have been much worse. I hope you can get good treatment in the New Year.
You will heal and in time you will find it easier. Chin up.

Re read your original post you linked. This is who he is. I was with a "man" like this and had my 3rd child with him. I actually thought you were writing about my ex as these are the things he is. He was so callous to me when I was in pain, he made me cry on my birthday, screamed at me, hated me having needs. Lots of other stuff. Having a child with him was horrific. I had spd and he dragged me round pubs when I was crying with pain. When I was shaking with hunger he refused to let me get food. When I was in pain after my section he told me to shut up about you tucking section. He refused to take me to the doctors when I had mastitis. Loads of other stuff. The worst thing is now I have to watch him treating my son like a fashion accessory, denying his emotions, being a selfish arsehole and upsetting my boy. You've had a lucky escape. As to thinking he has had an epiphany and changed I am 99.9999% certain he won't have. When I spoke to the mother of his daughter my ex had done all the Same stuff to her as to me. These men don't change. keep working on yourself and try to leave him in the past. I know it's hard. His new woman will be in a world of pain sooner or later. Having a baby is like throwing a bomb in a relationship and even worse when the father is a selfish abusive fuckwit

Didn't want to read and run, it sounds like you've been through a horrific year. I hope things start to pick up for you soon and you start to feel better.

I know it's hard to say (and I'm
guilty of saying why wasn't I good enough) but try your best not to compare, block them
On social media: what's on there isn't reality. And I can guarantee he's not having the best time, he's walked into a family and he's already got a girl he hardly
Knows pregnant.
A leopard never changes his spots.