DH taken DS to in laws behind my back

[nymthinyellow]

Long story which I don't have time to write cos I'm at work. History of toxic relationship with in laws, particularly FIL who hates me and is controlling and a bit of bully. DH went NC with them for over a year while DC we're young. Re-instated contact back in the summer but said it was only going to be low contact but has started seeing them more and more. Whilst I'm at work and he has DS he said he was meeting them for a coffee in town, but instead he's gone to their house. Obviously a pre-planned thing so he's lied to me. They've hurt us so much and I'm just finding this really hard. I just don't know how to handle this or walk the balance for DC sake. Very different families, my family couldn't do enough for us and love DH, complete opposite with his family. DS doesn't really know them but DH is encouraging him to call his mum Nanny even though that's what he calls my mum which is really confusing him cos he's been looked after by my mum a lot. (I asked many times if ILs would like to babysit but by said no, so they were given the chance.) rambling now, but this is just hurting a bit and I'm waiting for the niceness to stop and them to stick the knife in again. Seeing my family over Christmas who are lovely but DH can be grumpy towards them when he's been around his family cod he listens to them and they hate my family cos they they think we're 'posh.' Anyway not bashing my DH whose brilliant but obviously under FOG and don't know how to handle, especially keeping my DS safe. Any advice?

OP - the IL are still his parents and he clearly still wants to have a relationship with them.
He is a grown man and can make that decision.
He isn’t forcing you to be nice to them or see them.
Can’t you just leave him to it?

As you are both parents, you should both trust each other to keep your child safe.
If, while in his care, your H took him to his parents house - this isn’t something you need to ‘handle’.

I think you are transferring your issues with FIL onto your child.
They are his grand parents too.
If the two sets of GP don’t get along - they don’t ever have to interact.
And the child can still have a relationship with both.

I wasn't going g to write a long reply but mmmomdd pretty much said it. Just detach.

The secrecy would be my issue. Is ds old enough that he might tell you where he's been? I would be cross if DH is encouraging ds to keep secrets from you.

Your DH is a grown man. He's allowed to visit and take his child to vist with his patents if he wishes. You've written nothing here that indicates that they are a danger to your son. You disliking somebody does not make them dangerous. Your husband and son are entitled to have a relationship with them if they wish. Your son is allowed to call her nanny because, like it or not, she is his nanny. The vast majority of children in the world have at least two nanny's, he will be fine. If you don't want to you don't have to have a relationship with them but you have no right to stop them from doing so. And unless they live in a crackhouse I don't understand what difference it makes if that relationship is in their house or in a cafe either.

MMmomDD nails it.

The secrecy is minor, the DH is open about seeing his parents with their DS. Whether that is in coffee shop or their home is a minor detail.

You need to trust your DH and accept his parenting decisions. You should also accept his attitude towards your parents because he accepts your attitude to his. One persons meat is another persons poison and all that.

Fighting over someone’s attention, loyalty and affection, will appear controlling from all sides if you make ultimatums and unreasonable demands. Withdraw and refocus your attention onto things that matter.

The "Nanny" thing is annoying, and confusing for your DS. Can he call her Nana?
Other than that I think you have to distance yourself a bit from this emotionally. Be polite but ready for it all to go pear-shaped.

I don't agree with PP. Presumably they went NC for a reason. Presumably they made a decision as a couple that ILs behaviour was unacceptable to them. Now DH has changed his mind. He has not only changed his mind but is being dishonest on their behalf- lying about contact.

DS is OPs child - he knows OP is not comfortable with ILs (we don't know the reason but it could be a very good one), and without her permission, exposed DS to these people, who for all we know are toxic or abusive.

Silver

So if Op's husband says that THEIR, not hers, child isn't allowed to see her parents she has to accept that?

@knittedjest that would be a decision they make together. Not unilaterally and dishonestly as DH has done here.

I think you need to talk to each other. If he tells you that he feels he needs to see his parents then that's what he needs to do. But you should encourage him to be open with you, while maintaining your own boundaries. You don't have to see them, or have them in your house, but if you try to stop him from seeing them it will backfire on you.

The only exception would be if your child was unsafe with them, but that doesn't sound like the case here. You can't stop them from being awful, but you can make sure they aren't awful near you!

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I agree. But what does 'unsafe' consist of? Physically unsafe? Or does emotionally unsafe count? I personally wouldn't want my child around a grandparent who felt they had the right to say hateful things about me in front of my child. I would think that would be confusing and upsetting for my child, so for me that would be enough to want my child to be NC, regardless of what DH felt he had to do in terms of his own contact.

@nymthinyellow you don't need to see them. It isn't fair to tell him he can't see them.

You do need to come to some agreement about DS. What are you concerned about in terms of exposing DS to ILS?

I don't have a problem with him taking them to their house, I originally suggested it and DH said it was too soon. It's the secrecy which I'm guessing is on their side as they tried to break us up before. It's not a simple case of 'disliking' them, it's everything they've done, they're very manipulative which is what concerns me. As DS gets old I wouldnt put it past them to try and turn him against my family, as they've tried that with DH even though they've done nothing wrong (just not their sort of people.) FIL likes playing games and looks done in everyone, especially women who he sees as second class. Yes I would never stop them having a relationship and I trust DH, but surely it's obvious they have a bit of a hold over him as their son, whereas I'm more neutral so would like to be aware of contact etc? Or is that wrong? Genuinely looking for advice I come from a very straightforward family and don't have any experience.

With the best will in the world you are not neutral. You are involved like everybody else. There is no way you can see things objectively or even know the part your playing. That is impossible for any human being because we don’t have total insight into our own behaviour. People are secretive or withholding because they worry about reactions. So you are not appearing neutral to him.

The things you are citing are not significant and not worth fighting over. Stop engaging in the battle of influence and control. Trust your husband. Ask him about his visit and listen to what he has to say. Don’t comment unless he asks for your opinion. Be truthful about your concerns but not angry or anxious. If they have been feeding him nonsense, saying it out loud will give him the opportunity to reflect.

Are you sure the going to their house wasn't a last minute decision of your DH? If this is a real issue I don't think you can just absolve your DH of any responsibility by saying he is under FOG - if you think your DS is unsafe around your in-laws, your DH needs to stop them having contact with them. Although there is nothing in you OP that suggests that your DS in in danger. Lots of people have obnoxious in-laws unfortunately.
If you were planning to meet your family in a coffee shop and it got changed to going to their house at the last minute would you expect to have to run it by your DH first?

You need to seperate their issues with you from their relationship with your son. You aren’t related to them, they don’t have to like you, but your son is their blood. If your DH takes your DC to see them let him.

You're not neutral. You couldn't possibly be.

Leave them alone. Let DH sort them; wash your hands of it. There's nothing to suggest any wrongdoing yet this time; but if they do, trust that DH will put a stop to it. You've said he's a good man. If he doesn't, you'll have a husband problem, not an in-laws one.

Let it go, and be kind to DH. Spending time with your loving, inclusive family may well magnify how different his own is.

My children had three "Grandma's" and never got confused. They just called them Grandma S or J or whatever. Nothing to worry about, he won't get confused.

You don't like these people but they can't be that bad since you offered for them to look after DC at one stage.

OP - you are not at all neutral here. You are fighting over control.
You talk about ‘the hold’ your H’s family has on him.
You also earlier mentioned that your H seems to be short with your family after he visits his.
Your H comes off as not his own person, but more like a marionette, pulled by strings.
And maybe this is how you see him and why you are afraid of losing that battle.

But it isn’t like that. Your husband, and how he is with your family is HIS own choice. He is an adult.
And in-laws can’t turn your child against you. This is an irrational fear on your side.

It’s clear that you’d prefer your H to cut ties with his family because they are not like yours. But it’s a huge ask, even if you don’t like them.

For me the thing that stands out most is that her DH LIED to OP.
That l would feel very difficult to deal with- its a breech of trust, what will his next lie be??

Inleftorecumbit

Op’s H told Op he+child are meeting his parents at a coffee shop.
They ended up in parents house.
OP immediately jumped to conclusion that it was always planned this way.
(She has no basis for that conclusion. Plans might have easily changed on the fly)

And, on top of that. I feel sorry for her H. If my partner gave me grief over going to my parents place - even if they didn’t like my parents - I would not be happy.
Would you?

Josuk

Obviously a pre-planned thing so he's lied to me

Seriously?
You never changed plans?
Clearly - he is guilty till proven innocent.

I don't get why it is "obviously" preplanned. A text to ask them to come to the house instead of the cafe takes seconds. The OP was at work and why would her DH consult her or update her. It's so inconsequential and easily found out (the DS would out them immediately).

The OP is anxious about this contact. I can understand that but if she reacts to that anxiety by accusing her DH of being disloyal then she is playing the role she wants to avoid. That of a controlling wife who stops her DH and DS seeing their other family at home.

It's up to her, if the perceived lie matters that much, to challenge him as a liar. My take is that she will look unreasonable and add fuel to fire. I would just ask why they changed the venue or ignore it.

Hi OP. I've got a similar situation. I've been NC with my parents for similar reasons and I would be fuming if DH went behind my back and took DD to meet them. However... They're my parents not his so I guess it's slightly different and as you point out he's still in the FOG.

You're right to be pissed off but I would sit down and try and talk this through with your DH rather than being angry with him...

We were NC with MIL for 5-6 years. When DH decided to let bygones be bygones, that was the end of that. MIL was extremely cruel to me in the past, but I had to just let it go. I wouldn’t stop DS going to her house though (even though it is very dirty). It’s only for a short time and although I won’t visit often, I’m civil if not friendly when I see her.
As for the secrecy, perhaps he changed his mind last minute or maybe he couldn’t face the awkwardness and stress of trying to rebuild his relationship with his parents in public.
Sorry op, I don’t think there is a reason to be upset here, but I do wish you all the best and a merry Christmas.