Please help me - can't stop needing/wanting male attention

[stupidmestupidme]

Ladies I need your help please!
I'm in my 40s, divorced, single mum (NC with exh).
Thing is, I've been on my own for 3& a half years & I crave male attention. My self esteem isn't high & I have had problems in that i have attracted abusive males who have totally taken advantage of my low esteem & boundaries.
I have been single for 3.5 yrs, protecting myself (& indirectly my kids) from further heart break.
Recently I've been in contact with an ex from my teens. He's married. We've met. I know he's a player: it went from full on attention for weeks to literally nothing. And it hurts. I know I should just forget him, get him out my head etc. But I loved the attention. It felt nice & i felt happy. Now I just feel angry with myself (& him). I'm sitting here writing this, because if I didn't I would be texting him & feeling my esteem plummet even more.
Please help me build some boundaries & stop wanting this attention. Thanks in advance!

Bump!!!

Good for you for recognising the self sabotaging patterns in your life. Next step is to channel all that energy into yourself and your children.
Get your career on track or take action to improve your prospects. Plan days out/days in where you have fun and make memories. Give yourself a physical, mental and emotional makeover and read up on abusive relationships.
You get one life OP. Make it a good one.

I think often women get this the wrong way round. What I mean is, it often goes: I need to get some self esteem so I can stop behaving in a certain way. When what you actually need to do is stop behaving in a certain way in order to gain some self esteem. Do you see what I mean?

Just cut this man out. Stop doing what you're doing with him. That's some money in your self esteem bank right there. Then focus on other areas of your life. I really believe that self esteem is built by behaving in esteemable ways and doing esteemable things. It isn't some magic, ethereal substance that we just either have or don't. Make some.

Thanks @ChippyPickledEggs - that's an interesting point and certainly not a way i had thought before.

And thanks @pallasathena - I've been in abusive relationships and definitely don't want another.

I enjoy the thrill & rush of attention that the meeting/texting brings. Nothing comes close. But I know it's wrong. I guess it's like trying to kick a drug addiction. I simply thrive on this attention & feel despair when I'm not getting it. It's pathetic, I know.

Telling yourself you're pathetic helps no one. Your behaviour is damaging to yourself and to others. And so it needs addressing.

Telling yourself you're pathetic is disempowering and self pitying. Pathetic people don't have the power to change, right? And so they continue...

But if you actually want to stop what you're doing so that you can feel better, you're going to need to make changes. It is within everyones power to do that, including yours. The first step is to take responsibility for your choices. You're not pathetic or powerless. You can do things differently.

Come on OP.

OP, did you have a parent who was an addict of some sort, or who was emotionally distant?

I ask because some of what you say rings bells for co-dependency.

"Addict" could also cover a workaholic parent - someone who consistently put their desires for a substance or activity at a higher priority than their relationship with you.

Hi @NotTheFordType - no my parents were (& still are) the loveliest people, who would be so disappointed in me if they knew what i was doing. They have supported me through many lows.

It's interesting that you say co-dependency rings a bell, as I've explored this myself following advice from a friend who is a life-coach. I definitely tick all the co-dependent boxes - recognise that this is me, but can't seem to change myself. I have tried (clearly not hard enough!). Any advice?!

Have you tried online dating to meet available men?

CODA do meetings throughout the UK and you might also find this book helpful
amzn.to/2Sgfa4j

I was raised within a very dysfunctional family and honestly a lot of what's helped me has been time and distance from most of them, and support from a sibling who has also gone NC

Meant to also say, you definitely can change this. You are not stuck in your childhood roles.

One of the big things for me and my sister was that our dad frequently put us in "boxes". "Oh older sister [me] is the clever one and younger sister is the pretty one."

It made me think for years that I would only be valued for my intellectual gifts. My sister actually did much better than me academically but she still felt like "the silly pretty one"

This shit sticks for years so please be careful with what you tell your kids

@Musti - too scared to try OLD having read some of the stories on here. I simply wouldn't trust either myself (not to fall for the first man who gave me attention) or the men (who, judging bh stories on here, will ruin my already fragile sense of self worth).

@NotTheFordType - thanks for that insight. I was indeed 'the clever one' out of my younger brother and I. I don't have any recollection of any specific behaviour or incidents that may have caused this Co-dependent behaviour- this is what puzzles me...

If you only see your own value through the prism of male attention then counselling may be a way forward.
If you are addicted to the adrenalin rush of dating/texting and your focus is on getting that adrenalin rush then I would suggest that you are using the dating game as a psychological crutch to prop up a life that's unfulfilling.
By injecting a bit of drama into the day to day you're playing an avoidance game with yourself. Seeking an exciting, addictive fantasy relationship because your reality doesn't make you happy. And you don't understand why you're unhappy.
But because the dating game gives you a buzz, you continue down this never ending path that never arrives anywhere.
And rinse and repeat.
I've known several women like you OP who put their everything into having a relationship. It is very sad to see a woman reduce herself to nothing except the relationship she's in.

Thanks @pallasathena - you are right. It is the adrenaline rush, the thrill that i like/am addicted to. I do have a good life though- a good (but v stressful job) & two amazing beautiful children. I guess i see my life as unfulfilled because everyone else I know is happily coupled up & I'm not.
My ex treated me badly & through counselling I realised i had been in a controlling, abusive relationship. However, i do understand now that codependent personality enables this kind of behaviour towards me.
I just need to break the cycle of WANTING male attention & being thrilled when i get it 😔

You're half way there by recognising the problem.

Another hopeful bump!