Hello
I'd welcome any advice. Earlier this year I went on a short holiday with my husband, kids, parents, brother, SIL and nephew. I'd arranged everything, found the house, done the cooking etc. We wanted to spend a few days together before my brother and his family went home (they live abroad).
My dad has a tendency to drink a bit too much at family dinners and to try to start what he would call a "debate" but is really more of a row. The subject is always either "feminism has gone too far" or "muslims all want to blow you up" so it's pretty awful. In the past I have argued against him but it's never very satisfying (drunken rows never are) and noone ever changes their minds or comes away better informed.
Anyway, as could have been predicted, this happened again. My dad started to try and begin a row about feminism. I had been worried about this and promised myself I wouldn't get drawn in, so I just explained that I didn't want to have a drunken row about it and thought that was it. However he then got very angry and started shouting that, if I wouldn't contribute, I was part of the problem (?!) So at that point I started to say what I thought but before I had got even a sentence out, he started shouting over me again. So I left the table and went to bed (my husband was already up there).
So far, so bad. Anyway, about an hour dad came upstairs, half-apologised and then started ranting about how I hadn't done the washing up before leaving. I was really upset by this point but went back to bed, only for my mum to come bursting in (to the bedroom where my DH and I were in bed with no clothes on), now also drunk, to say how horrible I was to have upset my dad. My husband asked her to leave. The whole thing was awful.
Anyway, next morning we woke up to find that my mum and dad had left and gone home (with most of the holiday yet to run). They weren't embarrassed but furious and left a nasty note. My brother was extremely upset, all the kids were upset, it was dreadful. I felt horrible that I had tried, just once, to maintain my boundaries and not be drawn into a stupid row and my parents had reacted like this.
I am basically the peace-maker in our family and so that evening I called my parents and persuaded them to come back. They did, but then my mum in particular carried on behaving terribly, ranting that I was a snowflake if I wasn't willing to join in their arguments, that I had infringed my dad's freedom of speech by refusing to listen to him etc etc (wtf?). I think this is all bonkers and a complete misunderstanding of freedom of speech on her part, but there you go. I spent the rest of the holiday basically in tears.
God. Anyway, after we had all left I received a bunch of flowers from my dad with a note saying sorry. I have no idea whether they recognise how terribly they behaved- I suspect that they still think they were in the right to be angry that I wouldn't join in their stupid row. I cannot get my head around any of it, frankly. I cannot understand why they reacted so terribly to my not wanting to join in an argument. I have seen them a few times since and things have been relatively normal but I have not forgiven them and I'm not in any sense over it.
Anyway, if you have got this far, well done. My issue is that they are coming to stay for Christmas and I am dreading it. I am so scared that they will do the same thing again. I also just wish that I didn't have to see them- I will feel so full of anger and resentment. (It's not helped by my mum's relentless low-level nastiness about everything she disapproves of, but that I can at least ignore.) I keep reading articles about "how to get on with your family at Christmas" which say "don't engage in rows, change the subject" but obviously I've tried that and it was like the whole world had fallen apart. Aaargh. I am dreading it. I don't think they could ever understand why I am so upset and I feel like my only options are to suck it up (unappealing) or cut contact (which I don't want to do).
Sorry this was so long.