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Nowhere to turn

7 replies

hedgehog67 · 21/12/2018 16:17

I'm writing this as I'm asking for women's opinions on my situation. 2nd marriage. Amazing first couple of years. Then wife hit menopause. I was very supportive to her symptoms such as hot flushes, brain fog, aching joints, loss of libido. She went for HRT and it made little or no difference. But our intimacy has completely diminished in the last 4 years. In that time I've had Sex just 10 times and in 2018 absolutely nothing. There are no kisses, cuddles or hugs and all we do is peck each other on the lips when we leave for work and when we go to bed. I've tried initiating spontaneous date nights but she's lost interest. She's subsequently put on weight (as I have) and I think that she is very conscious of her self image. I've complimented her over and over again but it's like she's given up. Added to this is that she had become a grandma this year and her focus is all about her grand daughter. I accept this, but feel not jealous but resentful that she can easily show love and affection for a baby and yet gives me zero attention in our relationship. I've talked to her about it and she knows I'm not happy but is burying her head in the sand. It's at the point now where I've closed off from her as she has to me and do we are ships drifting along. I don't want to go on holiday with her as the last two have been like going with a friend. She's waiting for me to press the nuclear button but I keep telling her I love her and want the marriage to work. I've suggested marriage guidance and she says yes but doesn't want to help me organise it. I'm not leading a horse to water if it doesn't want to drink!. I just feel that she's accepted that she's middle aged, a grandma and overweight and that's her lot. It's like she's lost herself as a woman. I'm desperately unhappy and find it tremendously disloyal to put a post on like this. But am I expecting too much?. Should I just leave and go our own way?. What do you think she's thinking?, does she want out or just doesn't know what to do? Help!

OP posts:
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:38

You poor dear man..I feel your frustration & longing..going through this myself & feel my marriage is just a friendship as there’s no sex or intimacy for several years now. My husband has lost all interest in sex in general, not just with me & would prefer to bury his head in his hobbies or work rather than address the issue as he doesn’t see it as a problem & doesn’t understand why I keep on about it. You like me are stuck between a rock & a hard place, do you leave? take a FWB? Or bury your sexuality & continue along in this lonely desolate existence for the sake of your marriage, I do not have the answer, I wish I did. We are both in our late 50’s, not exactly ancient & im going through menopause but it’s worked the other way for me & I have a great sex drive unfortunately my husband has lost his as mine has ramped up. We’ve always had a great sex life up until a few years ago & I miss it dearly..the perfunctuary kiss on the cheek, like you get leaves me angry & frustrated tbh..it’s almost like petting a dog & I find it insulting..

hedgehog671 · 21/12/2018 16:55

Thank you wishful thinking

hedgehog671 · 21/12/2018 17:00

Wishful thinking. It's a reply like yours that makes me feel normal as I am made to feel that I'm the bad guy. I never thought I'd be in this situation in a 2nd marriage that I so wanted to be perfect. Im not chasing something that's impossible. A hug, a show of interest, a cuddle without fear of being pushed away. My heart is breaking and I cannot get off of the hamster wheel as it's a vicious circle. She's happy with the situation as she's got financial security, a nice house, kids, grandkids and a rewarding job. I just feel like I'm her income stream

NotTheFordType · 21/12/2018 17:03

I just feel that she's accepted that she's middle aged, a grandma and overweight and that's her lot. It's like she's lost herself as a woman.

Have you said this to her?

Unfortunately it's very common for post-menopausal women to completely lose their sex drive.

(It's my theory that this is partly fuelled by mass media messages that women over 50 shouldn't be wanting sex because it's gross, and nobody could possibly find them attractive.)

I think I'd probably have an honest conversation with her that you can't bear the physical coldness and that if she's okay with it, you can stay with her and seek NSA sex elsewhere from time to time. If she knows you've got an "outlet" she may feel more confident to resume cuddling up on the sofa or in bed.

Littleraindrop15 · 21/12/2018 17:08

You've tried however if she actively doesn't take interest in making your marriage work then there isn't much you can do. The next decision would be whether you can be in this relationship as 'friends' or part ways and find happiness elsewhere. Maybe even try to go for a short break up period to see if a trial seperation might help you decide.

Am sorry you are going through this x

WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 17:28

Hedgehog671 I’ve explored every avenue with my husband & had very detailed & intimate discussions with him about how I feel, firstly being very careful not to pressurise but as time goes by you feel as if you are not being heard & completely stonewalled which in turn makes you feel ignored, insecure, angry, helpless & hopeless, demoralised & deaminging..the list goes on. I’ve tried every strategy to no avail, I’m exhausted & tbh giving up. I think I have to make up my mind for myself how my future will go as I’m not getting any interaction from my other half over this issue. The rest of our marriage is just fine so of course, like you it’s an almost impossible situation to get your head around & one I never thought I’d find myself in or wish on my worst enemy, it’s a living hell & it doesn’t seem much of an issue to anyone who hasn’t been there, only the ones like you & me truly understand. Soon you will begin to feel bitterness & disgust, loathing & resentfulness for your partner, these emotions may well help you to make your ultimate decision as they will help me to make mine.

hedgehog671 · 25/12/2018 08:08

Merry Christmas Smile

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