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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long Term Male Friend No Longer Wants Contact

26 replies

WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 15:52

Hi guys, I’d welcome your opinions about this issue. I’ve had a lovely relationship online & on the phone with a man for roughly a year & we get on so well in every way. In a nutshell we live around 200 odd miles apart which in itself has been a bit of an issue as we’d like to meet up & spend time together, obviously not on a regular basis as it would be impossible but now & again & we agreed that was fine..herein though just recently seems to lie the problem. Several times over the past year we have been trying to arrange a time & place for us to meet up only to find something usually my end gets in the way & we have to postpone our meeting. My friend has a much freer timetable than me & always says he can meet anytime anywhere mostly but I’m not so readily available. I have made several attempts to meet up but unfortunately life had got in the way with commitments I have to attend to & so I’ve had to cancel. To get to the point he recently sent me quite a nasty message saying he thinks I’m just playing him & wasting his time & doesn’t want any further contact & told me not to contact him on any media. I do fully understand his frustration but I thought our friendship went deeper & I was truly shocked & hurt tbh & I’m very sad & down over this, quite bewildered. I care for him very much & this has come out of the blue in all honesty. I was under the impression we were ok just talking & if we ever met up it would be the icing on the cake but never an issue. There is a sexual element to this & ive no doubt we would sleep together should we get together, maybe he feels I’ve been leading him on & getting nowhere perhaps but it’s certainly not meant if he sees it that way. The curious thing is that yesterday he subbed to my YouTube channel, as he wants no contact I don’t understand this unless he wants to keep tabs on me in a more covert way ?? He has subbed to me privately not publicly so he doesn’t show up on my subs list but he doesn’t know I get notified when anyone new subs to me & that tells me who any new subs are so he probably thinks I don’t know but I do. It’s all very odd..your opinions are most welcome people..thanks.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/12/2018 15:55

Can understand his frustration. If you really cared that much you would make the meeting happen.

BedraggledBlitz · 21/12/2018 15:56

Well I suppose it's understandable that he may feel that you are stringing him along if you have cancelled a lot.

I would send a "final" message saying sorry he has got that idea but that's not your style and you've cancelled for genuine reasons.

He might just be feeling a bit unwanted and has spit the dummy.

Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:00

Sissy, I can go with that but why sub to my YouTube channel afterwards if he wants no contact?

OP posts:
KittenEsque · 21/12/2018 16:00

I think he’s hurt. Understand why to be honest. If you can’t manage to make time within a year, it’s unlikely you’re going to manage later on. He’s subscribed because he did feel,something for you and it;s difficult to say goodbye completely all at once and he thinks you won;t know he’s subscribed.

Unless the reason you didn’t meet up with him was because you got creepy vibes or something, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to call him weird over this. That’s pretty cold and disrespectful.

A year is a long time.

Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:04

Bedraggled..yes I guess I could & I wanted to be my gut feeling was to let it all cool down for a while & leave him be if he wants no contact..I’m as much gutted at not being able to keep these arrangements as he is, it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that the dates I book always seem to be overshadowed by other commitments in my day to day life & I have to cancel..don’t understand the YouTube thing, maybe he still wants contact really..I just don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:22

Kittenesque I never called him weird..my issue now is I don’t know whether to contact him or leave him be as requested & let the dust settle first so to speak

OP posts:
user1487064897 · 21/12/2018 16:24

I've been on the receiving end of what you've described, it made me feel like the person in question didn't really want to see me and was just stringing me along as an ego boost, it was hurtful if I'm honest as I was making all this effort to meet up and there lack of effort was making me feel like a fool. In the end I also had some choice words to say and stopped contact, it was a shame but I'm of the mind that if someone wants to see you they'll make time.

Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:26

User1..I do agree & im beginning to see everyone’s point here..in my defence it was always a genuine reason for cancelling our date, so sad..not sure what to do now..

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 21/12/2018 16:30

Why are you surprised? If you had wanted to meet him you would have. Hes done the right thing. You didnt.

KittenEsque · 21/12/2018 16:33

Sorry, you called it curious not weird.

If you do contact him (which I think he might welcome- the YouTube sign up does indicate residual feelings), you would absolutely have to meet up with him soon and not cancel under any circumstances.

If you cannot absolutely commit to that, you’re just toying with him.

The thing is, the litany of “genuine reasons” to cancel are to him just you saying “here is long list of things that are more important to me than you”. That’s going to grate. He’s prioritizing meeting more than you are. That kind of asymmetry is always a red flag. When people genuinely want things to happen, they happen. People make time.

Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:42

Kittenesque, yes, I understand, maybe it’s best to leave it to him to contact me if he wants perhaps without any pressure from myself. He doesn’t realise I know he’s subbed to my channel after all..perhaps give him some time to reflect & decide if he wants to come back under his own terms

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 21/12/2018 16:48

I agree with everyone else.

If he'd posted here, he'd be advised to forget you I think. You'd be regarded as flaky, a player.

I think that you should message him again reiterating your interest and promising to stick to the plan if he agrees to meet you.

Original poster
WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 16:53

Thanks for all the advice.. I can see clearly now..all your comments have really helped. Sometimes it’s difficult to see things from another’s point of view even if you feel you are putting in the effort yourself..

OP posts:
Reflexella · 21/12/2018 17:02

Ok I don’t mean to be harsh, the following is said with good intentions...

Where is it going even if you do manage to meet up?

Most of the time internet romance is based on projection & fantasy. You’ve built an emotional attachment without the full picture. If by chance you meet and it’s love at first sight - what then? Another year of chat? Or do you genuinely think one of you would move 200miles?

Find someone closer to home, it seems that you are subconsciously choosing the ‘safe’ option, the ultimate commitment phobia choosing someone so far away (I say this as a commitment phobic!!)

As a second thing he doesn’t sound that much of a catch getting shitty with you.

TBH doing internet dating. I never get chatting to anyone over 30miles away as I never be arsed to drive there on a reg basis.
Once I realised that I wouldn’t be able to find room in my life to commit to the drive I’d end chatting as it’s pointless.
I’d look to meet within 2 weeks otherwise you run the risk of emotional attachment based on nothing.
If someone was cancelling even for genuine reasons & didn’t meet within a month, I’d sack them off.

CupsAndPentacles · 21/12/2018 17:05

Have u avoidance issues?
He probably does too tbh.
A year is a long time to spend just messaging.

Sisterlove · 21/12/2018 17:05

I don't blame him. You messed him around by cancelling every time.

Either leave him alone or make one last meet up plan and don't cancel

It basically looks like you got better offers and ditched him.

deepwatersolo · 21/12/2018 17:52

it was always a genuine reason for cancelling our date

Genuine reasons are not necessarily insurmountable obstacles, though. It is healthy he has decided to call it quits on someone who won't go the extra mile for him. And if he decides to be a tad melancholic about it and looking at your youtube channel every now and then, so what.

TatianaLarina · 21/12/2018 17:56

I can’t imagine what all these pressing things could be that was so important you just had to cancel every time.

Are you sure you’re being honest with yourself OP? Do you have anxiety issues? Do you actually want a relationship, or do you just want what him as an online friend.

I’m not sure why you describe him as ‘long term’ friend when you’ve only known him a year.

TatianaLarina · 21/12/2018 17:57

were so important ^^

snoutandab0ut · 21/12/2018 17:58

Unless someone died every time you were due to meet him, why didn’t you decline the other arrangements and stick to the plans you’d made with him? I’m completely on his side here

TatianaLarina · 21/12/2018 18:08

I don’t normally do this but as this OP didn’t add up I looked at previous posts. I found this from 12 December:

I’m in a sexless marriage for several years now, DH just stopped wanting to be intimate one day & his desire never returned. He doesn’t cheat & tells me he loves me but no sex. I have strong desire & want to take a lover but I do still love him & really want to be with him so as yet I haven’t but it’s so hard..what to do? I don’t have the answer but know there are others out there who suffer a sexless marriage..heartbreak.

So either none of this is true, or both are true and you have a good reason for not being able to meet up with this guy.

deepwatersolo · 21/12/2018 18:23

Reminiscing about my own old passions, when I lived in the US I was so into rock climbing that I would go the >200 miles to my climbing destinations and back again three out of four weekends during climbing season. And if my respective climbing partners or I couldn't make it on friday ('cause interminable lab experiments until late friday) we'd go Saturday morning and back again sunday night - still giving us 2 climbing days. Once I drove >200 miles to meet my group, who had gone two days before (long weekend), on the off chance that the weather might be good enough - against all odds. It wasn't. Drove back the same day.

How is it possible not to be able to meet someone who is 200 miles away for a whole year, if one wants to meet them? Unless there is a war zone or an all-swallowing black hole in between. Or you are so committed to your carbon footprint that you rely on your feet and a bicycle only...? Heck even by bike it should be doable to go there and back again, if you take a couple of days plus a weekend off.

deepwatersolo · 21/12/2018 18:28

Well, yeah, if you have a husband who needs to stay in the dark about the whole endeavour, that complicates things, obviously...

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/12/2018 18:31

That husband is going to be a colossal dripfeed...

tixerB · 21/12/2018 19:53

👀