Ex is trying really hard to get back together...

[Hidinginthebath]

Some of you might remember my other thread about my tortoise that died. I had to leave him with my ex whilst I moved out and he died and it was a struggle to get him back but I managed.

Ex and I split up two months ago. Basically because he is an addict. He hid how deep he had got into his addiction. Our relationship pretty much was dead for the past 6 months.

I was moving on and even went out for a quick, very casual drink with an ex colleague last Sunday and we agreed to see each other again in a few weeks as he is aware I need to take it very slow.

Ex got in touch last night to say he is now in treatment for his addiction, he is being treated for his underlying childhood trauma (he saw quite severe DV from his dad towards his mum and his dad battered him, to the point he was injured, a lot) and that he sees what an idiot he has been. He has been diagnosed with severe clinical depressive episodic disorder. He asked if there was a possibility, once he has finished treatment and he is well, that we could try again.

I know what you will all say, run for the hills, and my head says 'No way'. I left an extremely physically abusive marriage 4 years ago and I have done the freedom programme, had domestic abuse counselling and have had trauma psychotherapy myself as I was raped when I was 11. I have also done a Masters in Psychology. Cognitively I know I should give up on this man.

However, unfortunately I love him. I feel for him. I feel a massive amount of guilt that I wasn't strong enough to support him in his addiction. I empathise with his childhood trauma. I get him and he got me. I guess it was co dependency because we recognised so much in each other and the first year we were together was the happiest of my life.

I think I am writing here as I know what you are all going to say and I need to hear it. But part of my, deep down, wants to have my happy ending. I want us to have a happy ending. But I'm also not an idiot, I know that unhappy ending is highly unlikely.

Even IF everything he says is true, that's he's doing all these things to change, that he wants you back. It is still a no. Why? Because he's in no fit state to be in a relationship. Maybe after all the treatment and after a period of time he has demonstrated that he's clean up his act and got his mental health rectified, maybe then it might be worth considering. But not now. Definitely not now. Oh hell no. And the Tortoise, I remember your previous thread. Good grief the poor Tortoise. Nope. Just no.

OP, I posted on your other thread under another name.

Wait and see is my advice. You don't need to make any decisions about this now. Let him get the help and treatment and reassess in 6 months or a year when he has come out the other side. Don't promise him you'll wait for him, just leave the door open for him to prove in the future that he has changed. He can't prove it now, it is too soon, and it will be a long process.

In the meantime, keep dating and living your life. You may be sibgle in 6 or 12 months, you may not. If you feel able to, you could be a friend to your ex for the time being, or not if you think you need a clean break from the person he was. But basically, he needs to approach you when he has fixed himself, as anyone would to start a new relationship, not rekindle the old dysfunctional one.

He let your tortoise die. Fuck him.

Yes, tell him it would be at least 6 months before you could even consider it, and that in the meantime he should get on with his treatment and not contact you till then.

Neither of you is in a good place to choose.

You need to make it clear that you won’t be making any decisions at all for at least 6 months. That gives you both a breathing space and time to recover a little.
After six months, look at it again.

Absolutely not. Please block him.

I have said that I am not prepared to make any decisions until he has moved out of his house, allowed his ex to take over care of their dogs and sorted out his money. So it will be at least 6 months. If not longer.

I think I will ask him not to communicate with me until after all that is sorted? It has completely thrown me. I feel really down today.

Talk is cheap. How long would he have to be clean for you to feel safe, and how long do you want to put off moving on yourself in the hope of that day which may never come? Would you ever be able to truly relax and believe all was fixed? Even if he was clean, getting back with you might trigger old habits? Not saying "don't", but there are a lot of uncertainties. Your own mh is your top priority.

So suddenly he's had an epiphany that he behaved like a shite throughout your relationship. And instead of deciding he's fucked up your life enough and leaving you to recover, he contacts you to fuck your head up again! And now you're being sucked back in. Do you really think he'll wait for six months or a year before he tries to suck you back into a codependancy relationship of some kind? Let you get on with your life without contacting you to tell you about his latest progress? When with just one contact you are already feeling guilty all over again and wondering if he could change with YOUR support and love! It could takes years for him to even get to the roots of his issues and probably lifelong counselling to not revert.

You're already on a very slippery slope after ONE contact. ONE! Already you are placing HIS recovery before your own. Worrying about HIM and what you can do to help HIM. And who gets to say when he's cured and ready to date?? Him??

Don't be that woman. The best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to say no and block. If you say yes, you'll be putting your life on hold for YEARS. And giving him a goal to aim for that is not realistic. What happens if in a year you fall for someone else? If his only aim is to get well for you, he'll just say fuck it and stop counselling. He needs to want to do it for himself, not some possible relationship with you in the distant future.

The dynamic you both had will always be there. Even if he's 'cured' that dynamic will still be there threatening to rear it's ugly head. It's better for him to start a fresh clean relationship with someone else once he has worked on himself.

In short: are you fucking nuts? !

I think you need to take a step back because that's not trying really hard, more like trying his luck.

Block him so he can't mess with your head.

You know what you need to do OP. I know it's hard to end something for good with someone who you love, but love on its own isn't enough.

As for feeling guilty that you couldn't save him - does all your self-knowledge gained through the education you've undertaken not help you to work this one out? You can't save a person who is wilfully self-destructing. You can't turn the clock back for anyone. He is an adult who made his own, selfish, destructive choices. And he let your tortoise die . Whatever his issues past or present it's not your job to save him and nor was it ever. Live your life. Ask him not to contact you and block him so that he can't pester you. In six months' time I hope you'll feel stronger and able to walk away, which is what you know you need to do.

He would have to be completely clean. No weed or anything else. He would need to be able to live with me and contribute and function in my family. He would need to be completely present. I think this might be a bit too much to ask of him.

I needed people to tell me this. I need to hear other people's opinions on this because, fundamentally, I do not trust myself or my decisions. I never have.

My ex made huge mistakes stemming from childhood trauma and treated me very badly. He did actually tell me he realised how awful he had been and got help and he is sensible enough to know that this may help him in future relationships but that he had to do it for himself.
And he didn’t tell me till 2 years later. And we have remained somewhat friends. Basically it’s great to learn from your mistakes and work on yourself, but you do it for yourself

This seems like an EPIC amount of emotional manipulation on his part.
It stops you moving on. It stops him really examining himself
It stops him taking full responsibility

Everyone on here apart from you can see that he is fucking with your mind.

You have done really well to get out. Stay out.

I get him and he got me

Maybe he got you, but he used that information to exploit your kind nature and actively make your life unpleasant, while you were doing the exact opposite for him.

Is that really what you want for your future? Doesn't sound like a very happy prospect. He should have ruined any future chance of a relationship with you. Don't reward or excuse his bad behaviour. He chose to ruin things.

Take care of yourself. Block him.

HE KILLED YOUR PET THROUGH NEGLECT?
did I hear that right???

Your child doesn’t need this man in her life. Let him go

But part of my, deep down, wants to have my happy ending
Bless you OP.
This must be very hard.
But you know, that happy ending will NEVER happen with this man.
He's an addict.
You will forever be on eggshells, looking for signs of a relapse.
And how long does he need to be clean for?
Because it should be a year minimum.
Do you want to put your life on hold for another 18 months for this man who may never be clean.
He was vile to you.
He killed a living animal.
This man will never be what you want or what you need.
You will forever live a co-dependent life and you know it.
You decision making is hugely floored here.

When did you do the freedom programme?
If it's been a couple of years or more then it would be good to revisit that!

You are punishing yourself all over again here.
Stop sabotaging your own life and your own happiness.
And he is not respecting you at all.
It's still all about him.
Otherwise he would have left you well alone until he was clean.
But nope - he wants to hoover you back in.

Please do your best to block him and move on with your life.
No matter what he does, the relationship will not be one you want to model to your DD.
Please think of her in all of this.
What will she think if you suddenly take back the person that killed her beloved pet?
She will lose all respect for you.

Stop letting him fuck with your head.
Block, ignore, delete.

You know what to do. Close the door on this relationship. Don't leave the door ajar to maybe in six months etc. It sound like you weren't married or have children together. Good. You feel down today because he is trying to enveigle his way back in. Don't let him.

You can have your happy ending, sweetie. It's the one where you meet somebody who gets you but who isn't an addict and doesn't kill your pets. Or maybe it's the one where you're happily single with loads of lovely friends and interesting hobbies and occasional flings with fit blokes. You can have those!