Dating again after long marriage...scary? Fun? Hard work?

[QualityStreetTime]

I thought I would stay single forever. Its been 20 years since I dated. I don't want a serious relationship. I'd like my life with DC to remain separate and of course my priority.

But... i recently i had a lovely evening with an old friend, vaguely date like. We did grown up things and i felt so alive. It was fun feeling like "me" and not me at the same time. I felt interesting and maybe even a little attractive. Generally fun!

Is OLD the only way to do this in middle age? NO WAY can I imagine putting myself out there.

Sounds like you're in the right place for it!

Hear lots of begative comments about OLD on MN but my experience has just been good fun tbh! I think it helps if you are totally not looking for a seriously relationship and thus simply shrug your shoulders if someone stops messaging you or turns out to be dull as dishwater.

go for it OP. You have nothing to lose and will have loads of fun along the way. Get out there and LIVE!

I don't meet new people much through work. Long term friends all very settled. OLD feels inevitable.

Does dull as dishwater happen much?

I had a blast OLD! I think as long as you approach it light heartedly and not as a mission, it’s great. And the terrible dates make for brilliant stories! With zero intentions of having a serious relationship, I ended up meeting my DP who is the unicorn of all men (he ticks every box and more! Down to ‘keeps chickens’ ) . Along with the disasters, I had loads of fun and actually made a couple of really good friends. Have fun!

2 of my friends met their second time around partners through OLD and neither of them had horrible experiences I read about on here. You can always give it a try and stop if you don't like the results.

But it sounds as if you are looking for an alternative. The usual go-tos: Take up a hobby, go on singles holidays/events, ask friends to set you up, or just be open to people you meet in every day life. Don't be afraid to ask someone out, easier said than done I know!

In my experience I became better at selecting who to meet up with over time. The first guy I met looked nice but was not over his ex, and really miserable. Regaled me with stories about how Coke is manufactured.

I divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage (married young!) and I've had good experiences of OLD. Mostly it was fun, sometimes funny, and I always took a break from it if I thought it was getting to me. Give it a go, you can always stop if you don't like it.

The first guy I met looked nice but was not over his ex, and really miserable. Regaled me with stories about how Coke is manufactured.
Oh dear ravenmum!

I think I like most people in a general way but only really like a few people in a meaningful way in terms of actually clicking. I'm not great with small talk so thats part of my hesitation.

Sounds like posters have generally had fun. Its a good point as well as being more open to new people in everyday life. I can't think of anyone I've been attracted to but maybe that's because I've been hung on ex.

Go for it. When I started OLD after 25 years of marriage (another who married young ) I just used to see it as cofffee/drink/meal out / trip out with someone new had no hopes of long term anything or hanky panky...I just wanted company. Had 6 months of fun and then met someone via tinder of all places he was local ish and we just clicked. Been together 3 years now..literally from the first messages I knew he was different.

I've beven mulling this over. In younger years I was already attracted to someone before dating. But with OLD you are strangers. The odds seem high for zero interest, not getting on well.
I think the biggest thing is the mental hurdle of just hanging out with someone different after very long marriage, no matter how you meet.
Clearly many of you have found it fun and i guess there's nothing lost in trying.

The first date isn't even a date really, though. It's just meeting them to see if you want to date. You don't have to meet them ever again if you aren't interested.

In fact, though, most people I know have found someone they at least want to date pretty fast. You've seen a picture and read their profile, so you know they have a look you like and whether they have the same level of education/interests/hobbies. It's not a surprise. And tbh the two men I ended up dating were the ones I liked best even from the photo (despite them being balding middle aged men), so either I'm an amazing judge of character or human beings are irrational creatures that fancy someone initially for what they imagine them to be, rather than for what they actually are.

The one I'm with now is someone I would never have met in a million years in real life; we move in totally different circles. I agreed to date as he seemed fun, creative and probably a confident lover (tick, tick, tick) and it was only after a couple of months that I started to think it might last more than a summer. I still have no idea how long it will last but it's taken me places I'd never have been otherwise.

Read some of the dating threads on here, or the posts about OLD. I myself have posted.
I’ve used OLD and in my experience it’s pretty grim. Those who do meet partners are actually in the minority.
I’m not trying to put you off, just please be aware of what to expect. In my experience 95% of the men I’ve encountered have been 1 of 2 things: have no intention of meeting and just in it for the ‘banter’ or ‘ego boost’; or are just pervs looking for sexting and/or hook ups.
I know there are some genuine but they are very hard to find.

Thanks for further responses. I think I might need to get out there even if unsure and it does come to nothing. In terms of "moving on" it feels like it would jump start me a bit into the next stage of life.
Your current relationship sounds exciting ravenmum. Hope it goes well.