OLD - can I have wise words please

[ceecee32]

Hi everyone. I am in need of some input.
I am 60, lived alone for over 20 years, happily I thought. Had some long distance relationships in that time but nothing to think of long term.

Had a relationship with a man for about 9 months which ended in August. During our time together I never felt as if we were 'going out' and I thought of ending things often. He ended it saying that I was too negative and that I never let him close.

Oh no - tried to do a paragraph and it posted

Anyway, at first I was fine for a couple of months, we tried hard to stay friends as we were in the same social circle. People who know us say that he flirted with me all the time and I did think that we would get back together.

Finished up in counselling as I was so upset about the thought of being on my own again. Strange as i was happy before

I have since met a man OLD, met him twice and he seems nice, but I cant imaging getting closer to him. We have had a bit of a hug but he clearly wants a relationship.
He is only just out of a long marriage and setting up his own home. I have always said that I wanted someone who has the same things that I have, ie, bit of savings, own home etc and he has none of those.

I dont know whether I am wasting his time, being unfair and letting him think that things might progress. Or am I bailing out before I get hurt again.

I dont really know what the question is, its probably how long do you keep someone hanging on before you decide that they are not for you. Or do you keep seeing them in case they grow on you
My first impressions are that he is a nice man

If you like him, go on a few more dates? Why not?

Do you actually want a relationship? It’s absolutely fine not to. If you do want a relationship, do you really want a conventional and traditional “escalator” one where you date for a bit and spend increasing time together and the expectation is that you will eventually become a cohabiting couple? Because again, it’s fine not to. You can explore more casual situations where you essentially date on an ongoing basis but maintain your separate lives.

Although this is all separate from how you feel about this man. It sounds like you aren’t really into him, particularly if you can’t imagine wanting physical contact, and it’s probably best to gently let him down than string him along when it’s clear he really likes you and is hoping for more.

Also. Just because somebody is nice and sweet and interested in you doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. You don’t have to feel as though you “should” want to pursue something just because you think he’s nicer than some other people you might meet. That’s not how this rodeo works. Wait for somebody who is nice and sweet and interested and who you can’t wait to see again each time and want to touch when you do.

@comptess
Yes I do want a relationship, but with the right person. to be honest I think you are saying what I have been thinking.

I could wait forever for the right person though. Never had much success so I am wondering if I am just trying to make this right.
I had visions of inviting him round for a meal, for new years eve but that is just what I would like.

We have provisionally arranged to go out for the day between christmas and new year. I might just see how that goes.

I do think I am trying to make it right because I want someone.

Its a shame

I wouldn't read too much into it OP. Your intuition is giving you the vibe that....your not feeling it at the moment with this person.

It's like going to see a house that's perfect on paper...you walk in and as much as you want to live it...your not getting that spark.

Maybe go on another date but if you get the same vibe....tell him as much as you want there to be a spark...your not getting it.

Regards the other guy....again don't read too much into it. My humble two pennies worth is that...the ending of that relationship / friendship bruised your ego. As it would anyone. Who wants to be told, that their hard to get close to...no one. Especially from someone that didn't seem to take it serious in the first place.

If you weren't getting close....there is likely a reason. Not fully compatible. It sucks, it's kak but nether less it happens.

You've been on your own for 20 years and happy...your now going through a process of potentially opening up your life to someone. That person is likely to be a needle in a haystack. Find someone you have that good vibe with. Who you open your life upto naturally but most importantly...they reciprocate that momentum back.

HTH's. Don't loose heart...keep going

Do you think this a subconscious fear of being with someone after you’ve been on your own for so long or that you’re genuinely not that interested in him.
Is there a way you can try and work through the separate feelings?
I would give it a bit of a chance. First.

It's great to see that in a few short posts that people seem to understand me .... more than I do

There is also the worry that he’s used to being with someone and may want to replicate that and you’re the opposit. I think everyone needs someone who balances them.
But we all have fear of the unknown and his might be being alone!
If he’s an aware kind of chap he will understand that about himself

Well I think that there might have been a decision making moment.
He rang this morning to say that he had told his sister all about me and that I have been invited to go and stay anytime.
This is after less than 7 days and 2 meetings.

Too much for me - need to have a conversation I think