AIBU about job/ex interaction?

[falaff]

Hi everyone,

I really don't know where I stand with this and whether I am being unreasonable or whether I should just do what I want. I've had advice from family and friends but they're obviously biased. I pride myself in thinking about others and their feelings and as such tend to put myself bottom of the pecking order, and whilst I don't want to change how I treat other people, I have started to recognise that sometimes I should put myself higher up for my own mental health.

Anyway... long story short is that I met my ex at work. I was working there for a year before he started, but left about 6 months ago due to my fixed contract ending. He is still working there and we have since broken up. I am in the field specific to the organisation, let's say cake making. There are very few local jobs available in this field. He's in a position non-specific to this job, let's say HR. He has expressed that he doesn't see a future at this organisation and is reducing his hours and wants to leave.

I am currently unemployed. A position has come up at my old work and I really want to go for it.

Without wanting to drip feed, it was a short (9 months) but very intense relationship and I left because it was so exhausting, he put me down and was controlling, although the latter improved towards the end. Some would say emotionally abusive. He has remained controlling to some degree since the split, e.g. wanting me to leave the city as he has been here longer than me and I was 'only there because I was staying with him', not wanting me to go to the same gym even though I was there first, etc. We don't talk and I am still very upset and raw about the breakup (3 months) although it was my decision. I am slowly rebuilding my life - I've got my own place, reconnecting with friends, trying to be happy.

Am I being a complete twat by applying for it and putting myself back in his life? I really want to go back. I loved working there and most of the people there form my friend group. But it will be hard for both of us if we see each other and we won't be able to avoid one another. But then I think why should I let this continue to control my life? Why should I let my emotions control me? Why should he get to continue his life the way he wants when he caused the breakup?

I really don't want to be a horrible person. He is hurting too. But I also want to live my life. I really don't know what the answer is. I also worry that if I go back, he will leave as planned and people will think that I caused that. Can someone please just tell it to me straight?

If you can be professional, whether he stays or goes has nothing to do with you surely?! I wouldn't hold out for whatever he said his plan is, he may well have changed his mind about staying put in that role. I really hope its not HR ....

I think you're worrying about the wrong thing. What if he doesn't leave? If it's anything like HR, would he be able to make things difficult for you there? In feeling sorry for him, don't forget he was emotionally abusive and if this would put you back in his firing line, it would be a huge mistake.

Take the job if you think you can do the job with him around

If you think he's likely to make things difficult for you or if you think you'll struggle to do the job with him close by, don't take the job

I think that if you start working there, he'll stay there deliberately, to make things difficult for you (just a feeling I have)

I had a similar thing - left the job then went back. Going back was fine. It's wasn't a total walk in the park, but I didn't want the twat to ruin my career. Plus the time out meant that boundaries could be reset a little. I had to be very mindful of that though and ever vigilant until he eventually left

Thanks. Glad to hear others have done the same and managed. Yes that's exactly how I feel - I don't want him to ruin my career. I find it very hard calling him emotionally abusive as it was down to insecurities and he was clearly unhappy too. He's been very civil since we split up. I don't think he would make it hard dor me and it will mostly encourage him to move on from this job which is what he wants anyway. I don't know if it will be too difficult for me. I just don't want him and others thinking I'm a ruthless discourteous are who doesn't care about other peoples' feelings. Because I do very much. But I have needs too. This morning I got an email from someone saying they kissed having me around at work and that makes it even more tempting.

MISSED having me around! Damn this phone, I miss my old one which actually helped me write correct sentences instead of sabotaged them!