MY decision to end things but I feel so sad

[Jumperoowith]

I separated from my husband 3 months ago. The main problems were that he earned nothing for nearly 10 years (self employed) but refused to give up his business and get a job.
And he had little or no interest in sex. This really affected my self esteem.
I know the decision was the right one but I still feel so sad about it. Is it just early days? Will the sad feelings ever really go away? I loved him so so much. He was in many ways a lovely person; caring, thoughtful, pulled his weight around the house and with the kids........but such a terrible husband for the reasons outlined above. I couldn't take any more. But now I just keep thinking about how things turned out and crying. I feel sorry for him (not enough to change my mind but still, I am finding it hard to just switch off my feelings of compassion/ caring for him). He hasn't really got any friends and isn't close to his family.

I think if you have broken up with someone you love, it is normal to feel sad and grieve. Your reasons for doing so are long-standing and valid and time will help.

Ps I was in a similar situation once albeit without kids - years later I can see that it was the for right reasons however hard it was to extricate myself at the time. No regrets.

I've been there. I ended my marriage for different reasons, mostly that I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't attracted to him. It was a chat with a friend that made me really start questioning things. We'd been together for almost 13 years, but I moved out and have been living by myself for the last few weeks and I feel much happier. I did feel bad about it, because he hadn't done anything wrong and in many ways things were fine. I do still care about him and even just before I moved out I was still doing things like making sure he had all the stuff he needed for work, cooking meals for us both etc.

Are you still living together? If so, I'd recommend getting things in place to live separately. It'll help make things final and help you start to move on. I love the freedom that I have living by myself. I promise the sadness will fade in time.

Thank you so much for replying.

Actually I have in many ways felt happier at times......I don't stress over getting him to change any more. But perhaps coming up to Christmas is making me emotional (although he wasn't a Christmas person). Because yes, in a nutshell, I still loved him. Angry with him, disillusioned, stressed, frustrated, feeling unattractive, hopeless and ground down, but still in love.

Do you mean he didn't earn enough money to warrant doing it? Can't believe anyone would earn nada in 10 years and still carry on doing it.
Seems it could be related to how he is as a person, when you look at a bigger picture of no friends and not close to family too. Some people are just major introverts, through negative past experience or just comfortable being that way.
If you are not like this, then it is always going to be hard to be in a relationship with someone who is, and it can drag you down trying to live around it and also hold you back socially.
It's ok to still feel for him, you were together a long time, you can still be there for him as long as it does not hold you back in life, or prevent him from any self-growth opportunities.
Sometimes people reach more potential in themselves by being apart than together.

We are not living together, no.
I sometimes feel I would just love him to meet someone else so he gets something out of the split too iykwim. I mean I split with him because I decided NOT to put myself last any more, but I'm still struggling with that concept on some level too.
I could have lived with the lack of sex but the money thing was really shit. I just couldn't get through to him. Such a SHAME.

Oh honey I’m so sorry. I’m going through the exact same. I broke it off last week with my partner and even thought it’s the right thing to do the sadness is overwhelming. I’m right behind you 🌸

Thanks, Open. I mean he literally earned next to nothing and my wages paid for everything in the end.
I think I am spending time now trying to understand the bigger picture. He doesn't do talking about the past (or plan for the future, frustratingly) but I do suspect there's something strange, maybe something that happened in his childhood that he could have benefited from counselling. But I suddenly one day snapped and gave up trying to get him to do things he didn't want to (counselling would have been me pushing him to go) and decided to get out.
He got the shock of his life, in fact he still hasn't accepted it at all.

Thank you babygoose and good luck. The decision isn't easy just because it's right.

I'm no psychoanalyst, but your last line makes me wonder if, to him, you were something of a mother figure - looking after him, providing for him, obviously no sexual feelings on his part - he tuned out all your imploring to change as it didn't fit his inner world, and has now had a shock because 'mama' has left. For what it's worth, hard as it will be, you're doing the right thing - the very fact that he didn't see this coming, speaks volumes about his self-absorption .

Walkacross you are on the money, very insightful. I definitely feel that the dynamic was often as you describe. Thank you. You're right - it's the correct decision. It's just hitting me in waves, having a bad few days I think. I think I don't feel lonely but I then I realise that yes, I really DO feel lonely. He brought so little to the table in practical terms but he was my partner, my person.

For years I didn't see the mother- son thing because I didn't mother him in any of the classic ways you might think of. He certainly didn't let me dictate his behaviour or clothes nor did I set a curfew or tell him what to do (he wouldn't have listened anyway). I certainly did not wear the trousers.
But still, maybe it was a mother- son dynamic, just in the sense where the mother was the provider and the son was a rebellious teenager.