Free of abusive ex and feeling lost ...

[jellybean85]

So I posted some months ago about leaving my ex and you ladies were a wonderful support and gave me the strength. I'm happy to report I have successfully stayed away and started and new life for me and dc (he wasn't father and they have a great relationship with lovely exh)

So today ex partner phoned and announced that the loan he bullied me into co signing with him was gone and he had paid it off. He was civil and polite and it totally threw me!

I had resigned myself to being on the hook for nearly two more years. I assume he has got new gf to co sign as his credit is poor.

I should feel happy, I'm free and my life is great but I'm suddenly lost and feel all uneasy. I wasn't ready for this and him being so normal and nice has weirdly unsettled me.

Has anyone had this post abusive relationship?? I can't relax even now it's all over, does it go away eventually?

I am in a similar position but not entirely like you. My ex was an abusive alcoholic in which it all ended with him being arrested and found guilty of assaulting me. I now have a restraining order.

But I completely get the strange feeling that it's finally all over now, I too felt lost. Just know that it'll get easier, and even though he's been nice to you remember all the awful times he put you through. My ex is also now with someone knew, it won't be long until he shows his true colours!

Thanks @Apparentlyacatch it's an odd sensation to be calm after 3 years of ups and downs. I feel like I'm learning to be relaxed again and it's taking longer than I thought!!

Yes. The way it works is as follows. You get addicted to drama. The rollercoaster of good and bad on a constant repeat releases cortisol in stress and endorphins in relief in those rare moments where they behave themselves. Don't know the details of your relationship but you'd have been in this cycle for a while.

Abuse, love bombing, abuse, love bombing.

When the abuser go you cannot just be for a while - you're not stressed but you're not getting endorphins either. Which is why some people are coming back over and over to the same person or seek out another relationship with the same pattern.

As a priority get yourself into Freedom Programme ASAP. This will help you process what happened and future-proof your life so that you don't get into the same cycle again.

Well done for leaving. It couldn't have been easy. All you're feeling is normal life with all its ups and downs and feeling lost but that doesn't have anything to do with your ex.

Don't know your ex but that sort of phone all from a controlling abuser is basically trying to get foot in the door. "Look! I've changed!" Don't fall for that either.

When the abuser goes
Fat fingers

Thanks @mrsbunk that makes a lot of sense, it's almost embarrassing to admit that I was addicted to it and that I got good feelings from the good times/love bombing. Freedom isn't available in my area atm but I'm seeing a lovely lady from women's aid weekly atm and she says we're doing very similar work but not on the exact same format which is helpful although emotionally draining!!

I think the hardest thing when you leave an abuser is having space , it makes you take a long hard look at yourself and why you were a sitting duck for that vile person.

It'll take a long time to unravel it all op , but please look at the freedom programme (I wish I had) and do not get into another relationship until you are emotionally well again.

It took me 5 years to be ready and willing to try and trust another man.

If he's anything like my abusive ex niceness/normal conversation means he's angling for something usually a favour or reconciliation attempt.

Keep your wits about you and always remember who he is.

Try and celebrate your freedom and read up on trauma bonding if possible to help you understand your feelings.

Sending hugs x

Thanks @Closetbeanmuncher it did cross my mind that he was after something!!