WWYU with Annual Passive Aggressive Text from MIL to husband

[SamAntHaHa]

We don't use social media so pretty much the only contact from MIL is a text to DH each year.
It goes like this: "it's that time of year again! Is there anything particular to get for DD for Xmas?"
It is down to DH how he replies in his own words but usually he tells her something generic rather than replying anything nasty or passive aggressive.
Any suggestions as to how others might respond?
I have had enough of worrying about MIL sending passive aggressive texts when she excluded us from the family. MIL is the matriarch and their family behave as if they have to go through her. Not even DH siblings contact us since MIL decided we were excluded. We receive nothing from DH siblings for their niece, our DD.

In a normal context her text is fine but when it's the only contact from MIL and she shows absolutely no interest in her GD. I've been with DH for over 15 years and have known that MIL lavishes gifts and visits on every single extended family member since it's "the done thing". Yet she has not visited us in nearly 5 years. She has not even asked to see DD or asked about DD in that time!

Back story: We had a great relationship with MIL for many years leading up to us having her 1st GC and immediately moved closer to MIL even though DH commute doubled to 2hrs each way, costing us twice as much etc. I thought of MIL as family and made sure we did everything we could to show her she was loved. But a couple of months after I gave birth she turned on us and DH felt like MIL wanted him to choose her over his wife and newborn child. MIL was very nasty about me to DH. Once DH revealed what MIL had been saying I got insomnia for a couple of years. That's how devastating it was for me. When DD was only 2yrs MIL turns up saying we are not allowed to go to MIL house because of her boyfriend (due to DH wanting his stepdad to apologise for shouting at me and coming at me aggressively). From that point we were not allowed to go to MIL's big family Christmas Eve party at her house. Presumably to stop us telling anyone the truth about what MIL and her BF had done.

I would be tempted to ignore the text. She’s excluded you from the family so why is she bothering with a Christmas gift? Unless, of course, it enables her to spin a tale about her being a loving grandmother who wishes she could see her GD but you won’t let her?

'There's nothing material she needs but I'm sure she'd love her Grandmother to come and see her school play/take her ice skating (or whatever is applicable)'

Although that does run the risk of her actually taking your husband up on that!

I don't accept gifts from family members who have no other contact with my children. I have either sent the gifts back or told them beforehand not to bother.

If the gift is a way to act like she is a loving grandmother then I need to find a way of convincing DH what to do about it. But I don't know how to deal with it.
DD doesn't even remember MIL.
DH has not been willing to arrange to see his mother even though we had many happy years until she turned. Or realised she didn't take to being a grandmother.

I would rather DD have a real relationship with MIL. We always just replied to get DD Lego sets which were played with a little bit.

We could tell MIL what DD wrote to Santa: DD wants a Switch, some games for it, a TV, a computer with 2 screens.
I wasn't intending on getting DD those things yet since she's only 7 but MIL spent a lot on DH siblings compared to him so perhaps wouldn't be shocked at a request for a Switch.

Would that make MIL feel like a loving grandmother? DD would think it came from Santa.

Of course the text from MIL came after what would be the last posting dates so it may not arrive for Christmas. MIL has previously just ordered things online from Amazon where they gift wrap things.

I just am sick of feeling like she could be going round making out that myself or DH caused this when MIL was very nasty in her arguments with DH. Which I never witnessed since DH was protecting me from the crap his mother was saying.

I dunno...even if her relationship with you guys is fraught, she still wants to send her GD a present? I think that's OK?

OMG - don't respond at all.
She's cut you out.
Block, ignore and delete.
Send back anything she sends to you.

Given your issue is that she's cutting you out and showing insufficient interest in your DD, spurning her when she does attempt to have a relationship with your DD seems counterproductive.

Plus, you are concerned that she will be making out that you are the cause of the rift, not her. Therefore I'd not do something like this that she could use as an example of you excluding her.

Thanks for the comments.
Yes I agree that ignore the message will send a stronger message than my DH replying as if her text is normal.
It's just heartbreaking that she gets her way in excluding us from the whole of DH's family. But that's his siblings choice too and neither of them have children. One will never be able to have children and the other got married when DD was 2yrs. BIL uninvited me to his wedding because DH told him what their mother and stepdad did to me. BIL clearly thinks his mother can do no wrong. And stepdad had bought BIL a van.
DH did take DD to his brothers wedding but left before the reception. It was the last opportunity for a family gathering with FIL who was terminal. But I was uninvited to presumably pretend to the whole family that I was the problem. I don't know what anyone else really thinks.

Sam

Ignore this text message, infact I would actually consider blocking his mother from being able to contact either of you now. This is no attempt on MILs part to form a relationship of any sort; this is her trying to lord it over the two of you yet again. Its pure passive aggressiveness from her.

Your DD does not know her and that is a good thing given how his mother is disrespecting the two of you as her parents. A real relationship as you so put it and want is never going to happen and you need to accept that fact fully. You grew up within an emotionally healthy family, your DH was clearly not so fortunate.

You cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial relations to such people like his mother because the rule book really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families. Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way and nor did your DH. Your DH is the family scapegoat here in his family of origin with the result being that all his own family unit i.e. you people are scapegoated as well.

Concentrate your energies going forward on your own family unit rather than give his MIL and her associated minions any headspace. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here by her.

BTW do NOT send back anything she sends you. This is because people like his mother want a response, and sending the item back is a response. Radio silence from the two of you needs to be maintained and you need to put on a united front here re his mother.

Why would you want your DD to have a relationship with the woman? She's better off without all that madness in her life.

The fact you are stressing and worrying shows that she’s still winning. Ignore everything from her. Change your numbers. The best revenge is to be happy! Fill your lives with friends and other family and ignore ignore ignore.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat.
It is really helpful to think of her that way. DH does refer to his family as not having any emotions or love for each other. It was hard to realise that how MIL appeared to us at first was fake and really she was twofaced.

Unfortunately I was abused/neglected and do not have contact with my own family due to me choosing to live in the real world and they ignore the truth, blame it on being different times back then etc. I have had therapy to try to help with that. In comparison DH family were good as gold until I gave birth. DH family don't know about how hard things were for me and had seemingly taken my families side and assumed I was the problem for distancing myself from them even though they don't know my family since they live miles apart.

We assumed I was the scapegoat because MIL didn't consider her son would be upset by her comments about his wife. She was shocked that he was so upset and eventually he was angry about what she was saying and doing.

We had similar text from mil years ago.
"Thanks but the dc are already getting everything they need".
We went nc soon after.