Hi all,
This would be the first time in many years I have written on a forum.
My beautiful fiancée recently told me she would like a break. We have a 2yo son together - he is such a lovely and charming young man. I couldn’t be prouder of the boy he is becoming.
Since finding out this news, I have gone through a few stages of grief - denial, anger, frustration and finally realisation - that for 2 years I have been immensely selfish. This struck me about 3 days ago when I was driving and had the first thought I have ever had about harming myself. I shook my head instantly and realised that this very thought was the embodiment of who I had a become - a selfish, neglectful and irresponsible father and partner.
For a number of reasons I seemed to subscribe to the idea that more = happiness/peace, and as a result I set an impossibly high bar for satisfaction. At no point did I stop to consider how lucky I was - an amazing gf, an incredible son, fantastic family. What was I thinking? What more could I possibly need when I have them? At no point did I stop to consider the amazing things my fiancée wanted to do with me - have another child, see more of the world as a family, I could go part time to help with childcare costs. Of course all of this has now sunk in after the event, and I am completely heartbroken. My fiancée tells me that she no longer loves me, and that a break is needed so she can figure out what she needs. I desperately want to respect this - and I am trying to give her the space she requires (and quite frankly deserves).
She is truly the most extraordinarily beautiful person I have ever met - I remember just being in awe of her each time I saw her (and even now - at our worst moment together - that feeling continues).
I have battled for ~10years with varying degrees of depression and anxiety (mostly the latter) - which can be linked to my aggressive and overbearing father - who also subscribed to the more = happiness/peace model. It isn’t his fault that I am the way I am though...I’m an adult and accept that I could have done more sooner to prevent us getting here, and making excuses for my behaviour certainly won’t help. The warning signs were all there. My fiancée had even suggested at points across the year that we go see a counsellor. I said no as I was in denial - I pretended everything was ok. I also have a mother who was on the receiving end of my father’s behaviour - I never spoke to her about how things really were, and instead always leant on my father (who as of about 2 months ago I no longer speak to - I finally stood up to him - which in itself has transformed my outlook on life).
We have also struggled with the financial challenges of having a house/young family/etc - and we have found ourselves in some debt. I struggled to find joy in a lot of things as I was always thinking about the finances first - again, I seemed to think that the answer to my peace was to have more money, which simply wasn’t the case. The real answer was - as long as we are a family, we can do anything.
Now here we are...
I am in and out of the family home so I can see my son, and my fiancée has taken off her ring and is figuring out her next steps.
I accept that I should have spent far less time talking, and far more time listening to my fiancée’s needs.
My fiancée has been in contact with another man - which has devastated me. This started before she asked to take a break. She assures me nothing has happened, which I believe, but I think about it every second of every day.
Our relationship wasn’t working as it was. We yelled at each other, we disagreed, we had our stormings off, and as mentioned, I didn’t listen to her enough - but I always truly believed, somewhat naively, that love would keep us together.
Part of my denial has been that I was happy too - I wasn’t. But it was the situation I was unhappy with (see again: my constant desire to have more) not my fiancée - I love her so, so much.
Our son remains a happy young man, and I am glad I have seen the error of my ways while he is still young - I am embarrassed to think that I would have continued down this path any further, and become to my son what my father is to me.
I am determined to make a change (and already am) - no more anger, I am more than content with what I have, I will be a better man.
My partner has agreed to go to counselling with me - which I am incredibly grateful for.
I am terrified of my son growing up in a broken household - I know it can be done - but I still believe there is so much love there. There isn’t a single part of me that loves my fiancée any less than the first time I told her I loved her - it has just grown and grown.
I just want a chance to prove I can be better and that I can listen - but perhaps it is too late. The depression, the anxiety, the worry, the fear - it’s all behind me now and I will be a stronger person. I have to do it for my son, for my fiancée (even if she doesn’t want me anymore), and selfishly - for myself.
Regardless of outcome - I will love her until my dying breath. I pray everyday that one day she might feel the same again.
I know many others have been through similar situations, and I just want to hear people’s thoughts - from both sides. I have been a master of bottling up my emotions and feelings for years - but no more.
This is not a request for pity - I accept that I am responsible for where we are now, and will ultimately have to live with the consequences and be the best father I can be.
Many thanks for your time.