How did you inform him you were leaving?

[Ravenclawclassof84]

Due to emotional abuse (never physical) and nastiness over the last 12 years, I have decided to leave my husband in the New Year. I am trying to do this with minimal pain or damage to our 11yo DS and know I need to tell DH i want to separate at a time when DS isn't around (which is rarely but will have to find a way). May I ask, to those who have done similar, how they did it? Face to face? What did you say and how did they react? I'm trying to decide how best to do it but feel scared when I think about it. 🙁

I arranged a 'play date' for our daughter and told him face to face. He was very upset as I think he thought I'd put up with his shit forever. He moved into the spare room immediately after telling me some home truths.

I honestly can’t remember. I think I’d been trying to say it for years and then at the end of every conversation it had been left unresolved as he’d fought his corner for another chance.

In the end I am pretty sure I presented him with an absolute plan and told him exactly when I was doing it. I handed my divorce papers into the court on January 1st (posted by hand that is) and walked away with a huge smile on my face. Welcome to my new life. Good luck, you’ll wish you’d done it sooner.

I think it depends on where you are with your relationship. Does he know there are problems or will this be out of the blue?

But essentially you just need to say that you want to end the marriage. That you do not want to try any more. Do not blame, even if there is lots of blame. It is important that you assert that it is a firm decision, not a debate. Then give him some space. This might take some time.

But you need to think through practicalities and agree them with him. How are you going to tell your son. It is best to present it as a joint decision from both of you. That you both agree and it a positive decision. That you are both going to be there for him even if living separately. He will need to know that you are both safe and close to him. So you will need to have some idea of living arrangements in the short term.

I planned where I was going to go, told my boss (I work form home) and basically had 5 days to tell him I was going before I got the keys to my new place. He knew I was miserable (also emotionally abusive) and I had said we should separate many times before I actaully did it. i think its why he couldnt process it.

Anyway, kids were at school and I needed to go food shopping, so i told him I would only be buying enough until the weekend, because on the Saturday I was getting keys to a rented house and was leaving with the kids. He seemed to take it on the chin, I went out and for 24 hours he was actually quite nice.

Then the tears started, he was cooking dinner sobbing in the kitchen (wailing actually), the kids heard him, went to go and ask if he was ok (I had told him to go for a walk and calm the fuck down but he decided to sink a bottle or two of white wine while I was in my office working). He then announced to my eldest I was leaving, eldest was hysterical and took me hours to calm him down. It was horrendous and not the calm, mutual way I had thought we would tell them.

My point is you don't know how he will react. Make sure your son is out the house for severall hours, and tell a friend what you are doing just in case he kicks off.

Whats the plan when you tell him, will he leave? Or will you? Will he be able to leave straight away? You need to try come to an agreement on how you tell your son if possible, but that in itself it tricky.

I have never felt something so difficult than to actually get those words out, but I am so glad I did. I have now had 2 years of freedom from him (kind of he is still a grade A idiot and attmepts to abuse me from afar). A friend advised me to says those words into a pillow a few times, so they dont quite stick so much, it helped actually. Saying them outload instead of going over and over them in your head.

Keep it brief, don't engage in lengthy discussions about why. Good luck OP.

I am in the same situation as you and ds2 is the same age.

Going over this in my head a lot as I want to avoid the situation pudding21 describes.

Got to get through Christmas first though.

Am thinking of saying that nothing has changed since our last massive blowout 2 years ago, that our relationship is not working for me anymore and that o want to split up.

I have an escape plan in place (almost!) and preferably would like to tell the DC in mid January so as to avoid doing it over discs birthday.